Greetings, madam, please forgive the wait. It’s been quite a day here at the multiplex. You see, we had a small fire. How small? Oh, I would say the size of a fist. But of course, it’s been dealt with.

How? Let’s just say I’m not afraid to fight fire with fire.

But what can I get you? A medium soda? Ooh, I wonder if I could possibly talk you out of that. Confidentially, you would be doing me the greatest of kindnesses if you would switch to either a small or a large. You see, while we have plenty of smalls and larges out here, for a medium I would have to go into storage. And the storage area is, I’m sorry to say, haunted. You may recall the Blumhouse film inspired by it, in which the heroic husband and wife team actually succeeds in thwarting the ghost, instead of dying like here.

So, I mean, you wouldn’t ask me to go in there and risk an encounter with ghosts, would you? After all, I could just give you a free upgrade to large. It’s not like you’re some kind of jerk who’s gonna tell me that would weigh too heavily on your conscience, because I’m telling you it’s ok.

And even if you were specifically ordering a medium because that’s what your diet allows, we’d both know that you could just fill it to the medium level.

And that way, not only would I not have to face the ghost in the storage room to get the medium cup, but I would also not have to face the bear we sent in after it after the exorcists failed! Please. Don’t force me into this. I mean, look: the ghost made the overnight crew kill each other and try to kill us. Just think of what it might have done to a weak-minded grizzly bear! Best case, the bear resists the ghost and I have to fight him, worst case he succumbs to the ghost and I have to spiritually fight him!

So why go there when—as if we both didn’t know this—you can just get a diet soda anyway if the calories are such a huge issue to you! Or a small! Or two smalls, which is pretty much the same as the medium! Or forget the soda and go into your movie, which is about to start anyway!

Ok, there’s something else that I really did not want to mention. Because I didn’t want to make this into a whole thing after the bear and the ghost and all that. But the truth is, there’s more than just natural and supernatural threats in storage. I… spilled a Powerade in there. That I brought from home. So it’s all sticky in there. And there're ants.

Oh, right, and I forgot that the ghost opened up a bottomless portal to hell after we sent in the bear? I guess that’s bigger than the Powerade and ants. My bad.

Fine, fine, you want your medium soda so bad? You can go in there. Here’s the key. Just remember to step over the bodies, the Powerade spill, the bear dung, the hell portal, and just try and be real quiet when you open up the cabinet the cups are in. And while you’re in there maybe grab some receipt paper?

And enjoy your movie!