I’ve thought about this a lot and I have come to the conclusion that I do not need any advice. I need no thought management and no coping strategies. This is not a job for my therapist (though she will get this link sent to her). I may take drugs but they will only be the fun kind because this is not something I can talk down.

Instead, I’m going to yell. Holler. Scream. Screech. Shout. Yodel. Other synonyms.

I am going to make the loudest noise physically possible for the longest amount of time my body can commit to… and then go over that limit. I am going to yell into a pillow. I am going to scream in an empty car. I am going to heave hot, bitter breaths in a public area. I am going to throw a full tantrum in the grocery store cereal aisle. I am going to seethe audibly while I wait in line for my first water slide ride of the season. I am going to have a fit. A proper, adult fit.

When you’re an adult throwing a fit, it’s more embarrassing than it is endearing. It shows a lack of control over one’s emotions. It says, “Hey! I’m a big baby and I can’t keep my feelings bottled up any longer!” You know what? Absolutely. It’s baby time bitch. I am so upset. I am blindingly angry and concussion-level confused. Would this even be described as rage? Frustration maybe? Is there even a word for the feeling of wanting to take every dumb email you’ve received, every toe you've stubbed, every passive-aggressive note you've gotten, every plant you've killed, every weird outfit you put on when you were eleven, every gross meal you made and ate because you have nothing else to eat, and pile them all into one conglomerate of human experience, and then expel them all out of your body with one huge, all-encompassing:

AHHHHHSHEHHSHEUWHEH FUUUCCKKKKTHISFUCKINGFUCKAHHHHhhhh whew.

I just feel like it would solve problems! Maybe not like war, but I could see something happening for parking violations. We could see a decrease in influencer drama. Down the line maybe we work this into corporate culture. Would it be too far of a stretch to say a political figure might quit their job and become a farmer? Isn't it worth it to try?

I’m just saying it’s worth a shot. We grow up and old and suddenly we have to pretend like everything is fine all the time. For some reason, once you reach shoe-tying age, yells are only acceptable when the going gets really tough. Deaths and breakups and bullies are kind of all you have to bank on. What else would justify really intense emotional outbursts? Why can’t I cry and be annoying because my wifi isn’t working, but it was working like TWO MINUTES AGO, and YES I will hold, YES I already rebooted the router, YES this is a new modem. Do not put me on hold again! AGH!!!!!

I know my problems aren't huge. My life is fine. I can pay rent and most of my body parts do what they're supposed to do. Still, my upstairs neighbor is too loud. The farmers' market is too far. The cost of peanut butter is too high. I got a candle because it was pretty and it kind of smells like ass. I just think life is hard for lots of small reasons as well as big ones.

Being alive is so frustrating. Every time I see the news I want to go AH, and then I hear what someone SAID about the news and I wanna say ACK, and then I open my texts to see a group chat blowing up while I’m busy and it’s just GAH, and then I crack my back so bad I think I gave myself scoliosis and JESUS CHRIST, and then my mom somehow knows I took the Lord's name in vain a thousand miles away so she says “Really?!” and it's like, CAN I CATCH A BREAK?

How is everyone going around and not yelling? Every time I see a toddler having a breakdown I think “this kid knows something.” And that something is freedom. All I want to do is be terrible to be around for five to ten minutes and then get a snack after. I feel like doing this once a day would change everything.

It’s a lot. It is so much. I just want to yell.


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