January 20, 2021

12:01 PM — President Williamson is sworn in on a copy of The Tibetan Book of the Dead once owned by Deepak Chopra.

2:33 PM — President Williamson takes a break from inauguration festivities to fulfill the promise she made in the first Democratic debate and calls New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern. President Williamson can’t remember what she was going to talk to Prime Minister Ardern about, so she just asks for her opinion on Chico’s winter catalog. Prime Minister Ardern blows into the phone, mimicking static, and disconnects.

7:45 PM — To the melancholy sounds of Gregorian chanting, President Williamson whirls around the first inaugural ball, tapping staffers and volunteers on the nose while shouting, “boooop!”

January 21, 2021

7:36 AM — President Williamson welcomes her spiritual cleanser to the White House, who evacuates the premises for a ritualistic sage burning.

1:22 PM — With the White House now free from hate and bad spirits, President Williamson announces the signing of her first Executive Order to great fanfare, enforcing a mandatory 15 minutes of daily mindfulness for every American, regardless of sex, race, orientation, immigration status, or age.

3:46 PM — Blasting Enya on a Bluetooth speaker, President Williamson twirls around in her office chair for twenty minutes

January 22, 2021

9:36 AM — President Williamson decrees the founding of the Department of Peace by another Executive Order. Deciding this does not go far enough, she also establishes the Department of Good Vibes and the Department of Cuddles. Alanis Morissette and her dog Boogs are appointed Secretary of Good Vibes and Secretary of Cuddles, respectively.

11:46 AM — In an attempt to de-escalate tensions with Iran, President Williamson shrewdly offers Iranian president Hassan Rouhani a 50% discount on her online course “Aging Miraculously” in exchange for the cessation of Iran’s nuclear weapons program.

2:37 PM — Secretary of State Oprah Winfrey brings President Williamson an intelligence briefing informing her that tensions with Iran have in fact worsened after President Rouhani viewed a sneak preview of the “Aging Miraculously” course.

January 23, 2021

8:45 AM — Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell arrives at the White House for his first one-on-one meeting with President Williamson.

10:45 AM — Senator McConnell and President Williamson hold a joint press conference where McConnell cries cathartically for twenty solid minutes while announcing that President Williamson helped him realize that his soul was critically misaligned and he does not know how to forgive himself for the horrible, horrible things he has done. He departs for a monastery deep in the mountains of Nepal.

4:50 PM — President Williamson ups the ante with Iran by offering to throw in a signed copy of her book, A Course in Weight Loss: Spiritual Lessons for Surrendering Your Weight. President Williamson then makes a call to former Secretary of State John Kerry and tells him to “suck it, girlfriend,” to which John Kerry sighs deeply, then hangs up.

January 24, 2021

9:17 AM — Executive decorators Chip and Joanna Gaines begin the conversion of the negative-energy White House Situation Room into a combination pottery studio and candle-making workshop.

10:00 AM — President Williamson holds a press conference where she addresses her plan to open the White House to become a haven for stray cats and raccoons.

January 25, 2021

8:05 AM — In the first high-level departure of the Williamson administration, Boogs the Dog resigns his position as Secretary of Cuddles and is replaced by a possum that wandered into the White House overnight.

3:00 PM — In another press conference, President Williamson announces a bold policy move. In her first 100 days, she vows to eliminate the death penalty for all offenses, except for the intentional killing of spiders, which would, under her plan, carry automatic capital punishment.

January 26, 2021

11:15 AM — President Williamson interrupts her morning intelligence briefing to announce she needs “me-time” the remainder of the day, and that if anyone needs her, she will be shopping for healing crystals for the Lincoln Bedroom.

January 27, 2021

9:30 AM — Secretary Morissette announces that the Williamson administration intends to create a government buy-back program for assault weapons. The assault weapons will be disabled, then a local artist will hand-paint them with a motif of wolves and cedar trees before mailing them back to the gun owners.

11:36 AM — An attempt to rebuild alliances with NATO partners goes south when President Williamson tells Netherlands Prime Minister Mark Rutte that he sounds like his aura may be unusually dark and that he should seek immediate attention from a Reiki healer.

12:46 AM — A visibly disheveled Secretary Morissette announces that the administration will also be implementing a sugary foods buy-back program where citizens can mail in their uneaten Oreos breakfast cereal in exchange for fresh, organic lemons.

January 28, 2021

9:00 AM — Vice President John Delaney is overly excited to be able to hold his own press conference in the Rose Garden, but unfortunately, nobody shows up except for Boogs the Dog, who was only there to dig up a bone he buried before his resignation.

7:30 PM — In a widely-panned interview with Lester Holt, President Williamson doubles-down on her criticism of the Netherlands, exclaiming that she just does not know how a leader can have capacity to provide the love his country needs with that dark of an aura.

January 29, 2021

4:12 AM — President Williamson, who has built a career as a motivational speaker based off of her belief in miracles, snaps awake in a cold sweat and realizes that perhaps her election as president was not a miracle, but was, in fact, the work of dark and evil forces.

5:13 AM — Sipping a cup of tea made of grass clippings and fermented sunflower seeds, President Williamson throws a pot in the Situation Room and feels much better. She texts a picture of the finished pot to Prime Minister Ardern, who does not text back.

8:15 AM — President Williamson reads an intelligence briefing stating that Iran will re-enter the Obama-era nuclear deal in exchange for a photo op with Secretary of State Winfrey. Secretary Morissette is called in to write a celebratory ballad.

2:46 PM — A controversial video shows up on TMZ of President Williamson eating an entire package of Double Stuf Oreos in one sitting. It is thought to have been leaked by the Netherlands. Seeing no other options, President Williamson resigns in shame, calling the last ten days “the most beautiful expression of love and joy and miracles my soul could ever have experienced, girlfriend.”

3:23 PM — Vice President Delaney is sworn in as President of the United States while Boogs the Dog, too uncomfortable to leave, looks on as the only witness.

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