Dear Freshmen,

At some point during your first year, some older, wiser, and probably drunker upperclassman will tell you that sooner rather than later, you’ll lose interest in your high school friends. You will discard this, thinking to yourself that this person was just never as close to their high school friends as you are to yours. As the second semester sets in, hopefully you’ve begun to realize the crucial errors in your logic. For those of you who have not, however, in an effort to speed up this process so you can spend more time drinking instead of reminiscing about high school parties that got broken up by 10 o’clock, I’ve categorized your friends into what they are now, or will inevitably become. Of course, don’t forget, you’re somewhere on this list, too.

The Drug Addict

He drank a little in high school and was never one to turn down a bong rip if you asked him nicely. He also couldn’t have told you the difference between skunk and train wreck or whether your coke was cut with ephedrine. Once he got to college, though, his “if it’s there, I’ll try it” attitude played out very differently when his freshman roommate turned out to be the campus’ up-and-coming dealer. He’s built such a tolerance in such a short time that when you see him at home you won’t even know he took three Xanax bars on the drive over. He’ll ask subtle, probing questions to see if anyone else has picked up his same habits.

“So, how are the parties at your schools?”
“Got any crazy stories?”
“Fuck it, I’m gonna go do some lines of blow, who’s coming?”

Just let me get high, I know I can remember if I get high.

He probably goes to: San Diego State.

School Sports Guy

He doesn’t actually listen when you speak to him; he just waits for an opportune pause to throw in a tidbit about how well his school is doing in whatever the sport of the season is. If asked about sports in which his school is doing poorly, he will respond with a story about the glory days. If you press him about the fact that his team got crushed by their rivals, he’ll either discuss new prospects that are going to make his team dominant in years to come or tell you you’re just bitter because your mom’s fat and he had sex with her.

He probably goes to: USC.

Intellectually Stimulated Girl

She was always at the top of her classes, but you went to a public school, so she still never really learned anything. Now that she’s at an Ivy, though, just look at all the classes she can take! If only it weren’t for the 20 unit limit, she could have added that last class on pre-existential philosophies of the indigenous people of Uruguay.

She ignores School Sports Guy, who makes jokes she doesn’t get about the football team she didn’t know her school had, and judges The Drug Addict for wasting time he could be spending on exciting academic pursuits. She’d be almost intolerable if she didn’t bring the entire collected works of James Joyce to every get together to read when the conversation strays from her topics of interest.

She probably goes to: Harvard.

The One That Never Left

When everyone else talks about their flights home, he’s silently thinking of the drive over from his place a block away. Luckily, though, if you’re curious about the goings-on in your hometown while you were at school, he’s got you covered. Not local politics, though, just the records of all of your high school’s sports teams and the breakup drama of their star players. It’s not pathetic, however, because he only goes back to the high school four times a week, “y’know, to show those high school kids how it’s done.” It’s done, of course, by working at Blockbuster, drinking some brewskis with his buds in mom and dad’s basement, and telling the same five stories of “that CRAZY night senior year.”

He probably goes to: Community college, but that one class he was taking was getting in the way of work, so he dropped it and he’ll think about trying it again next semester.

The Kid Who Wishes He Was Back at School

He sits on AIM talking to his college friends about how no one at home knows how to party, and how hard they’re gonna throw it down when they get back. It’s entirely possible that he practices his Beirut game on the kitchen table between rounds of Halo online, since the kids at home are such noobs they would get owned by his roommates. Mostly, though, he tries to sleep as many hours a day as he can to stave off boredom. For a while he’ll concoct schemes of how to get everyone back to school early to party. After the first week, though, he pretty much just lies around unshowered and unshaven trying to figure out something to do. Actually, fuck it—maybe The Drug Addict still has some of that blow left.

He probably goes to: Anywhere but here… for the love of God, anywhere but here.

Your Ex-Girlfriend

You know her better than I do, but we both know she’s fat. Seriously. Stop having sex with her.

She probably goes to: From the looks of it, somewhere with delicious dorm food.