Hi, sorry to bother you, but I’m the Christmas lights that you’ve had up since November, and I would politely like to ask you to take me down.

Now, maybe you just haven’t noticed, but Christmas is over, buddy. It’s long gone. Holly Jolly Santa season is no more; it’s inauguration season; it’s Fauci season; it’s “oh my god, we’ve been living like this for an entire year” season.

But in case you have noticed that elapsed time and you’re keeping me up purposely for decorative reasons, let me just ask you one question in the kindest way possible: since when did you start giving a fuck about exterior holiday decoration?

Certainly not this year, because if you cared about the decorative aura of your place, you would’ve wrapped me around a crisp winter tree in a pretty coil, instead of going for the classic “it’s 2020, screw it” method, and just duct-taping me to the exterior wall of your home. And now what? You’re just going to leave me stranded here because it turns out I “really add a vibe to the place?”

What vibe? You don’t even bother lighting me up anymore because it takes too much out on your electricity bill. That in itself should be enough of a reason to take me down because you’ve essentially rid me of my only purpose of being a Christmas light, which is to be a goddamn pretty light. Now, instead of giving off the “vibes” of a Hallmark movie, I’m basically just a glorified lasso wrapped around your windowsill.

Additionally, it’s cold outside. Now, maybe you don’t know this because you haven’t left your house in three weeks, or maybe you’ve just forgotten you live in the Midwest in January, but it’s cold outside. You might think that Christmas lights don’t feel temperature changes, but guess what? We do. It’s twenty-eight degrees outside, and I would much rather prefer to be inside of a cardboard box in a junk closet than be attacked by hail and lightning every twenty minutes.

And maybe, just maybe, you “lost track of time in quarantine! Oh, my bad!”

Don’t give me those shitty excuses.

Because we all did. We all lost track of time in quarantine, but you don’t see Marco across the street with his Christmas lights still out, do you now? No, Marco has his shit together. Marco owns a 2021 Anthropologie calendar. Marco rescued an exotic Parrot from being slaughtered. Marco wears pants during Zoom calls, just because.

What about you, huh? What have you done?

And it's not just me that feels this way, it’s the other Christmas decorations too. The tree, the Santa inflatable, the snowman window decal that you’ve forcefully taped onto the window because it lost all of its stick halfway through December: all of us. We want out. We want to return to the junk closet and live in peace.

So get to it, buddy, otherwise, I swear to God we will all pull an Orwellian Animal Farm on your ass.

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