Steal an intern’s idea and get a promotion for it?

Buy them a piece of jewelry. The “hang loose” attitude of a puka shell necklace never goes out of style.

Didn’t dress up for the group costume that you insisted your team wear to the company Halloween party?

Rend your sackcloth in anguish, cover your head in ashes, and cry out to your team for absolution during the next stand-up.

Get called out by Gavin from Marketing for eating all of the communal M&M’s during kick-off?

He may be on to you, but the rest of your co-workers aren’t wise to your little game. Anticipate Gavin’s boorishness. Dazzle them with a finely crafted cartoon painted with the skins of the M&Ms you were supposedly eating. It’s an image of Gavin clutching the purse of the Green M&M like the fool that he is as she performs a step-and-repeat at the premiere of her debut German art-house film, Schmelzen Sie in der Hand? Nie. Schmelzen im Mund? Für Immer. (Rough translation: Melt in Your Hand? Never. Melt in Your Mouth? Forever.)

Skip another team happy hour?

Pledge your firstborn son to your manager. Include the caveat that if you guess your manager’s middle name correctly in under three tries, you get to keep your son. Hint: His middle name is Robert.

Tell Sharon from Sales that you don’t “get” Sugar Ray despite sharing a portion of your workspace with what could reasonably be referred to as a small shrine to Mark McGrath that she’s assembled on her desk?

Make a copy of Sharon’s house keys. Wait outside any SoulCycle (U.S. location) until you spot Mark McGrath. Snatch him. If you wait to capture him until after he’s finished a class, he’ll be fatigued and easy to lure into a sack. Order an Uber using the name “Gavin” as an alias. Drive with your sack full of McGrath to Sharon’s home during peak business hours. Tie McGrath to Sharon’s marital bed. Take a moment to stare deeply into his steely blue eyes until you understand the root of Sharon’s affections. Feel peace and whisper an apology to Sharon into McGrath’s frosted tips, plucking a few strands of his hair on your way out the door.

Miss the deadline for your quarterly report again?

Offer to lick the CEO’s Model X Tesla battery as penance.

Continuously refer to everyone in your meeting as “guys” instead of the preferred gender-neutral term “cohorts?”

Work yourself into a state of heaving, tearful remorse until the aforementioned guys (even the ovulating ones) collectively insist that it’s “not that big of a deal” and that now you’re just “wasting everyone’s time.”

Boss catch you updating your Office Fashion Fails Instagram during working hours with a picture of Gavin from Marketing’s grotesque double-breasted blazer?

Write your boss an apology email promising to be more present. Consider throwing in a battery licking for good measure. Block them on Instagram. Continue to build your following while undermining Gavin’s fashion foibles in peace.

Repeatedly reschedule the vendor contract discussion you’re supposed to have with Gavin from Marketing?

Use your unlimited PTO to travel to the edge of the Hallormsstaður forest in Iceland. Follow the White Raven to the eldest birch. Bow deeply while chanting a spell from the Gullskinna. The birch’s trunk will open to reveal a golden goose sitting atop three golden eggs. Take the smallest egg, crack it open, and drink its contents. This will imbue you with the power to produce three small gold coins from beneath your tongue during normal business hours, PST. Return to attend your usual meeting with Gavin. Apologize for your poor record of attendance and offer him a professional hug. While embracing, plant Mark McGrath’s hairs on the shoulder of Gavin’s ill-fitting navy blazer. File an anonymous tip with the local P.D. Resolve the Gavin from Marketing issue for the foreseeable future.

Complain about the dog-friendly office environment to HR?

Thank your lucky stars that you’ve produced enough capital by this time to fund your startup idea—“Warby Parker, but for jean shorts”—because there is no gift that can correct this mistake.

Join upcoming November classes in Satire Writing, Sketch Writing, and Stand-Up Joke Writing.