Dear Friends, Family, Entomologists, and our Corporate Stakeholders,
My how the year has just buzzed on by! We hope you had as amazing of a holiday as we did, nestled up in our cozy little murder nests, waiting for the gentle spring. 2020 was one of the most exciting years in hornet history, as we continued our westward expansion into North America—and we wanted to highlight some of our highs and lows so that you, our dearest friends (and busy-body scientists) won’t miss out on a thing. After all, we murder hornets are not just a hive mind of ferocious hornets—we’re also a family.
When we first began our North American expansion in the fall of 2019—we certainly didn’t expect a welcome like this. To be greeted by scientists, journalists, media, and be trending on Twitter? Now that’s a brand identity you can’t just buy—you must infest and create!
North America is simply unparalleled in its hospitality. You, scientifically-speaking, threw everything and the kitchen sink at us—we understand this is part of the longstanding American tradition of welcoming newcomers. As one of our key values is respecting the beliefs of others, we affirm this, and will respect your ways, America! We at Murder Hornets LLC believe that true synergy can only be obtained through an alignment of our wants with your values. And our wants is a home for our nests which can house up to 200 queens, and we know you value a good bargain!
And can we talk about the beauty of the Pacific Northwest? We mostly knew it through the hit TV show Twin Peaks, and boy did it deliver. Not only was it full of spacious skies and purple mountain majesties, but it had none of our natural predators! That’s right. There are no giant spiders, and not one of your honeybees has evolved a defense system. (Really, nothing is more rude than when you’re biting off the head of a squirming bee only to be beset by its sisters who will engulf you, and use their wings to create an oven-like environment so hot it cooks you to death!) It could be decades, even centuries before the American bees learn such a trick—if they ever do. As always, we are grateful for the capricious nature of evolution that allows for our continual bounty. As well as the lack of giant spiders in the Pacific Northwest for now.
A few things we want to highlight a few of our horde’s accomplishments last year:
In October, we hit our annual quota of stings. Some have said that a single sting from a Vespa Mandarinia feels like a car exploded in your bones, but as we do not have bones, we’ll take your word for it!
In December, H-322 (“Bee-lieve It!”) broke our record for the number of bees killed per minute. You know the Wikipedia article that lists a kill rate of 40 bees a minute? You have H-322 to thank for that!
C-112 (“Wasppp uppp?”) is our caretaker of the year. As you know, our feeding cycle has often been vilified by the ignorant anti-hornet media. Just because adult hornets cannot eat solid food, and relies on the amino secretions of the solid-food-capable-larvae does not make us weird. It makes us strong—and gives us extra incentive to feed our young the juiciest parts of the bee. C-112 has been amazing, tending up to thousands of larvae/food sources by itself. We commend your work!
But it wasn’t all honeybees thighs and KPIs, as we did hit a few pain points last year. We were saddened to hear of the capture of two of our queens, and we bid them a tearful good-bye as they were ripped from their homes. Our colonies are difficult to find, and we understand that American science funding is at an all-time low. So despite our heartache, we applaud scientific advancement in the face of adversity. Plus we’re a carnivorous species, so we not only condone but promote the eating of your enemies!
We simply cannot wait to see what 2021 has in store for all of us, and beyond—what happens when spring comes around, and we awaken from our nests to terrorize (safely and sustainably) our neighbors? What happens to our little hornets when they are exposed to the illegally dumped toxic waste in Puget Sound? We don’t know, but we cannot wait to take that journey with you.
So on behalf of all of us at The Murder Hornets, we wish you a wonderful new year. And remember you’re never alone, because we’re never leaving!
The Murder Hornets, LLC