Face it, we’re all busy. Whether work, play, or dark webbing, our lives are simply over-scheduled. So instead of taking time out of your day to scream like a rabies-infected lunatic at your local elected officials, please let me do it for you.

Let’s not make this a political thing. The truth of the matter is that we all have the right, hell, the responsibility to scream veiled threats at school board members and other unpaid public servants before, during, and after meetings in the parking lot as they try to drive away like cowards or civilized adults (vague/weird/ambiguously violent threats are only included in my premium package). The Boston Tea Party and Rocky IV demanded that of us.

All I need from you is a list of specific topics you care so passionately about that you’d like me to yell in public at other adults (technically, screaming costs a bit more). I’ve found it’s better if the topics match the agenda, but I respect your right to pay me to go ape shit about anything. I’m also happy to just scream sounds and convulse while standing up, but it’s your money, so whatever you say goes.

As a public service, please be aware that the following topics will already be screamed about ad nauseum: mask-wearing, mask sometimes wearing, mask not wearing, masks worn like banana hammocks, books with words containing too many letters, freedom (lots of freedom), and the food pyramid. This is not to discourage you from asking me to scream my fucking head off about these topics, but more to give you an idea of what’s already covered. A little piece of advice: don’t be swayed by the headlines. Look inside yourself and you’ll find plenty of your life choices that can be blamed on that board of sadists.

Per client feedback, I’ll also scream your name as many times as you’d like, or, as a brand new feature, I’ll rip my shirt off to reveal another shirt that has a picture of you screaming. I’ll then scream your name, while pointing at the shirt of you screaming. Though this distracts from the topic that I'm screaming about, it definitely highlights how passionately enraged you are about something. A few clients prefer to remain anonymous, but most think it’s completely normal to go unhinged in a public forum, especially over such topics as listed above.

Obviously each of my sessions is filmed and immediately posted to all social media outlets, along with a litany of captions you could include below. Most focus on freedom and law and order and biblical references, and yes, each one is in all capital letters, even the food pyramid ones.

Now, as I said, the vague threats are a tricky feature, but one certainly gaining some traction. They work best when executed alongside fellow screamers, and the school board member is alone. I scream things like, “We know where you live,” and “You’ll be sorry,” and “Freedom, freedom, freedom, you czarist pig.” The last one doesn’t sound threatening, but I’m usually standing on their hood smashing their car windows with an American flag while blood streams from my ears. Trust me, it's a vibe thing.

I’m happy to answer any questions, but I’ll likely scream my response, possibly spraying you with some freedom saliva, because I find sheer volume to be the most effective form of communication.