Welcome to the first and last installment of “Relationship Advice from a Guy who's Never Been in a Relationship.” In this article we'll be talking about girls, but unlike my previous article about friends, you can still read this one even if you don't leave your parents' basement to socialize. Reason being, friends can't be bought as easily as girls.

So, as long as you save a portion of your Walmart paycheck for the next 3 months you can afford to purcha…er…treat a girl for a night out. Worst case scenario, you drop a portion of the dough for some massage parlor lovin'.

Now, meeting women isn't very difficult: you go “out” (wherever that is in your town), dress nice, don't be ugly, and say things that make people laugh. Follow these instructions correctly and you'll be ankle-deep in pussy before you know it. My purpose in all this is to help you weed through your suitors to determine which ones are normal, well-adjusted women, and which ones are bat-shit crazy clingers.

The Stage 4 Clinger has a way of extracting information from you that you think is useless, but is really ammo for her arsenal. “Clinger” is a term for a girl who simply refuses to give you any free time to yourself, and it is not a word that should be thrown around carelessly. The clinger deals severe damage not only upon her target, but also his friends, as she is capable of such horrors as turning guy's night into a Starbucks adventure (not the good kind where you make fun of the menu and taunt the barista), and making you wake up at 4am because “she just wanted to say hi.”

Described below are the clinger stages. There's no such thing as a Stage 1 Clinger, because that would just be a normal female. Stage 5 is the worst because that's how Wedding Crashers did it, and if you have a problem with Wedding Crashers then you can just go to hell.

Stage 2 Clinger

The most common clinger, really more of a nuisance than an actual threat. The S2 texts you throughout the day and constantly wants to hang out, but you can easily avoid her by using the classic “guy's night” excuse. You can identify an S2 easily enough when talking to her for the first time, as she'll generally try to make plans with you in the far-future even though you just met her.

Typical exchange with a Stage 2 Clinger:

*30 minutes after meeting*
You: Yeah, so I'll be going to Jamaica for a few weeks in February.
Her: Awe cool, except now I'm not going to have a Valentine's Day date.
You: What's your name again?

Stage 3 Clinger

The S3 is an upgraded version of the S2 but only in terms of persistency, not cleverness. You'll probably be receiving texts at certain scheduled parts of the day (morning and night for example) and maybe even an odd call. If the S3 has a mode of transportation then you'll need to be extra careful when revealing your location, as there's a chance she could arrive at any time. Just to be safe, keep the S3 on her toes by only telling her where you really are a third of the time.

Typical exchange with a Stage 3 Clinger:

*Via text*
Her: (8:06 AM) Morning sunshine
Her: (10:20 AM) Whatsup buttercup?
Her: (12:48 PM) Hey, you there
You: (1:12 PM) Hey, yeah
Her: (1:13 PM) Hey!!!!Whatsup? What are you doing today?
You: (1:30 PM) Not too sure, maybe going to the mall
Her: (1:31 PM) Cool!! When? Maybe we can meet up and grab lunch ;)<3
Her: (2:55 PM) Hey, I'm at the mall, where are u? 🙂
You: (3:10 PM) McDonalds
Her: (3:11 PM) Oh, the one by the mall? I'll be right there 😉
You: (3:15 PM) No no, I'm at the one on the other side of town
Her: (3:16 PM) Oh that's fine I have gas, cya soon xox
You: (3:20 PM) No, not on the other side of OUR town. Just on the other side of a town.
Her: (3:21 PM) Which town?
Her: (4:00 PM) ??
Her: (4:30 PM) 🙁
Her: (10:45 PM) Hey!:)

Stage 4 Clinger

The Stage 4 Clinger is kind of like the T-800 Terminator*: she's very good at accomplishing her goal and will let nothing stand in her way. The S4 has a way of extracting information from you that you think is useless, but is really just ammo for their arsenal. Remember that time you wrote down your postal code when you were filling out a contest sheet? The S4 has extracted and processed that information, and with the help of Google Maps, now knows where you live. Congratulations.

Typical exchange with a Stage 4 Clinger:

*via phone*
Her: Hey, whatsup?
You: Nothing, just chilling at my house with a friend.
Her: Which friend?
You: Jordan.
Her: IS THAT A GIRL?!?!?!
You: Uhhh…no.
Her: Oh okay, does he drive the red Taurus?
You: …Yes, how did you know that?
Her: Oh, I'm just parked outside.
You: What?!? Why?
Her: I was hoping I would see you. Do you mind if I come in really quick to use your bathroom?
You: *click*

Stage 5 Clinger

To be truthful, I have never encountered an S5, although I know close friends who have. These are the girls who will plan their lives around you: they'll go to the same school as you (or at least move to the same city), get the same class schedule as you, apply for a job at the places you work (and visit regularly), and even try to befriend your friends.

If you ever encounter an S5, the most important thing is to stay calm and whatever you do, DO NOT have sex with her. Once she gives it up, she'll pursue you to the corners of the Earth focused on getting you to propose or at least be her baby daddy. Actually, you know what, scratch that. Go ahead and sex her up; you only live once.

Know any more stories? Ever met any style of clinger? Share your stories in the comment section.

*Yeah that's right, T-800 not T-101. From Wikipedia: “In the T2 commentary, Cameron states that the Model 101s all look like Schwarzenegger, with a 102 looking like someone else, leading to speculation that the 101 refers to the physical appearance while the 800 refers to the endoskeleton common to many models.” So shut up, fanboy. (Return to sentence)