This article is going to be about friends. So if you don't have any you should probably stop reading right now. Go on, I'll wait….


Now, for the rest of you who DO have friends, you'll know how much joy and blood-boiling rage they bring to your life (often at the same time). It doesn't matter where you live or who you are, everyone has the same group of friends, and like it or not you'll know these people for years to come. That being said, I think it's only right that 10 years after you read this article, you should go back and read it again. If I'm wrong then feel free to drive your flying car/jetpack to my moon-house to receive a holographic apology card*. Yes, the future will be that awesome.

The Mooch

If you think back, you won't even remember HOW you met The Mooch, but he'll insist that you guys go way back. In fact, he insists that he goes way back with everyone, like that one time in high school when you guys ran away from the cops… you totally owe him for that.

Guy sleeping on a futon
Hiding the shame of free rent.
See, what The Mooch does is almost an artform: he contributes nothing of value to the group but still enjoys all the leisure that comes with having friends. It's not that he/she (who are we kidding, he) enjoys being broke, but the thought of work makes The Mooch weak at the knees. Why surrender free meals and free tokes for a life of monotonous labor?

Where he'll be in 10 years: Either sleeping on your futon or living the high life after somehow marrying rich. Either way, expect to pick up the tab when you go out. I mean after all, he did do that one thing for you. Remember, that one time? Yeah man, I know you remember. Anyways, can I borrow fifty bucks?

The Stoner

A group staple. If your stoner buddy has a job, then congratulations, you're going to smoke some amazing weed out of some ridiculous devices. Gas masks, zongs, vaporizers, it doesn't matter because The Stoner doesn't do much except work and blaze all day long. He probably has a shitty job that pays ridiculously well for something that doesn't require much effort, and more often than not it will require him to get wet (make what you will of that).

Girl caught taking a bong hit
Don't worry, it's not "getting caught" if you do it for the better part of the day anyway.
If The Stoner also has his own place, then he most likely deals too, which ensures that your supply never stays low and you always have a place to play Xbox. See, The Stoner probably has a few hundred, maybe even thousand, bong hits under his belt and as a result is in a constant state of nirvana. No topic is discussed for more than a minute and as a result you often have paradigm-shifting moments after you start talking about organizing your iTunes library.

Where he'll be in 10 years: Europe, or some other part of the world where he can smoke and grow freely. Either that or he'll start his own religion which will appeal to all those who want to take bong hits in a building every Sunday morning—"morning" or course, being 2pm.

The Competitive One

This friend will suck the fun out of any activity that you enjoy doing. It doesn't matter if it's a sport, a video game, or some simple task you're doing to keep yourself entertained, The Competitive One will try to best you at it. Most of the time, they succeed, but only because you don't really care who can throw their shoe further.

The irony of having The Competitive One as a friend is that you'll never win, because even if you do win, it's only because he's sick or his knees hurt. And don't try telling them you're sick or have joint problems too. He's waaaaaay more sick than you and his bones are much more brittle, no contest.

Where he'll be in 10 years: If he's physically gifted or black, then probably playing some sort of sport professionally in some part of the world (even Russia has a competitive basketball/curling/fishing league). If not, then he'll probably be chilling at The Stoner's house, owning them at Madden 10.

See you next time for "Everybody Knows One" when we'll cover more of your friends!

*Offer void if moon-house turns out to be a moon-bungalow (Return to sentence)