It’s easy to mistake serious plumbing problems for supernatural events—especially since some of them are. If you have reason to suspect that you may be the victim of otherworldly waste woe caused by possessed pipes, now is the time to start combing through local business listings for an exorcist.

Not sure if you have a ghost clog or a hair clog? Keep reading to find out whether you should call Paul the Plumber or Father McCarthy. Only a knowledgeable spiritualist can help you escape the tormented wailing drain voices in your bathroom.

Ghost Clogs

Pipes that are constantly clogged might seem like evidence of a malevolent haunting, but that’s a normal plumbing issue. Ghost clogs are not a normal plumbing issue. They’re misty, ethereal blockage specters; spirits of clogs that can’t move on—and they follow residents from room-to-room, causing blockage-related mischief.

How Do You Identify a Ghost Clog?

A ghost clog is easily spotted by the tendrils of gossamer essence reaching up from drains in search of victims. If they manage to catch your spirit, they’ll latch-on and follow you around, causing small blockages throughout your house. If you’ve noticed an increase in clogged ketchup bottles, sticking drawers, and even hallway congestion, seek out a local occultist for help!

Signs of a Ghost Clog Include:

  • Wispy, white tentacles of spiritual energy near drains
  • Ominous, unusual discomfort in bathrooms and kitchens
  • Cold spots and temperature changes around your toilet
  • Bathroom lights flickering on & off
  • Shadows & other apparitions appearing near your plumbing fixtures

Drain Voices

Some people think a little pipe pandemonium is common and acceptable, but you should know most drainage is supposed to be as silent as an empty grave. If you’ve noticed banging in your walls or gurling in your toilets, call a plumber. If you’ve noticed voices echoing from deep within your drains, call an exorcist—or at least call someone with a crucifix.

What Causes Drain Voices?

Drain voices originate from the spirits of animals who died to become your food, and whose rotting waste is now festering in your drains. If you’re on the fence about becoming a vegetarian, consider those trapped spirits the next time you eat twenty chicken wings. We all know what you did.

Other Supernatural Drain Sounds Include:

  • The gleeful chortling of reanimated organic debris—a.k.a “zombie clogs”
  • The quiet, wretched whimpering of a soap spirit
  • The scraping, scratching, noise of a twisting hair specter
  • The clattering tinkle of fey eggshells
  • The unpleasant, menacing “gloop” noise of a sludge spirit

Living Garbage Disposals

As far as anyone is aware, there really isn’t a reason to ever have a garbage disposal. The list of things they can safely destroy is surprisingly short, and the list of problematic materials is exhaustingly long. Perhaps no material from that list is more sinister or harmful than ectoplasm.

Garburators run constantly after being infected by a supranatural substance. Your kitchen will be filled with the ceaseless sound of inexorable whirring—until you try to use the disposal yourself. Haunted fixtures never work for their owners. Any attempt to use possessed plumbing inevitably leads to further frustration.

Other Examples of Possessed Plumbing Include:

  • Faucets that blast water in varying pressure levels
  • Showerheads that swap rapidly between stream settings
  • Clawfoot tubs that walk around
  • Shower curtains that slide open and closed on their own
  • Taps that complete full, 360° spins each time you touch them, without ever releasing any water.

Cultist Infestations

Holes in buried exterior lines and moisture accumulation from leaks are invitations for rodents and insects to enter your home and establish a settlement. Plumbing spirits present the same opportunity for local cultists.

If you’re dealing with rats or roaches, you’ll need an exterminator to clean out the pests and a plumber to fix the underlying issue. If you’re dealing with Glamgrelgan and his eleven disciples, you should probably call the police—but you’ll also need to call a trusted ghost pro to deal with the spirits that brought that cult to your home in the first place.

Who Do Plumbing Cultists Look Like?

Are you wondering whether your roommate might secretly be a devout worshipper of Sewagorion, Demonic Lord of Septic Slime? Look for signs of plumbing rituals in areas of your home with drains. Basement corners behind water heaters and that small space behind the toilet are both common spots to find caulking candles and poopagrams drawn with human waste.

Common Characteristics of Plumbing Cultists:

  • A closet full of stained, revolting overalls & filthy suspenders
  • Toilet-seat necklaces
  • Performing nightly prayers over sewage backups
  • Deliberately destroying plungers, drain snakes, & other plumbing tools
  • Having quiet conversations with shower drains

Inter-dimensional Portals

Just as overflowing toilets and small sinkholes above buried sewage lines are signs of serious plumbing problems, interdimensional portals in your toilet and glowing sinkholes in your yard are serious supernatural warnings.

If you’ve seen beyond the pale by looking into the ceaselessly swirling wastewater in your toilet—or by peering curiously into the bright, luminescent phantasmagoria shifting in the hole that just opened above your sewer line—then it’s already too late to call a plumber or a priest. Your property is forever tainted, and you’ve gained knowledge that no human should ever possess.

Chaotic plumbing esoterica is like a brand that only sewage ghouls see. It calls to them like blood calls a shark. If you’re still sane, prepare yourself. You will be hunted by wastewater demons for the rest of your life.

Good luck, and may Draineleon, God of Clean Pipes, protect you.