I made up both the questions and the answers in this advice column that will revolutionize the imaginary advice column industry! Send your questions to me telepathically. I don’t do this “e-mail.” Good old-fashioned ESP, yo!

Inspired by E. Mike’s Point and Counterpointless, and every other advice question-answer column, ever.

Q: Sometimes I write down jokes other comedians have come up with and then use the same jokes in my act without giving the original comedian credit. Is this stealing?
-Carlos, Los Angeles

A: Yes, Carlos Mencia. Yes it is.

Q: I have a question.

A: Yes? Go ahead.

Q: Okay. I have a question, every time I see another guy, I get a boner. Also, when I’m getting dressed in the morning, I wish that instead of my dick going in my underwear, it was going into some dude’s ass. Also, if there was a “gay train,” so to speak, I’d be “all aboard!” Plus, I saw this picture online called “gaytrain.gif” with a really long line of guys, each guy with his dick in the guy in front of him (and their own asshole plugged by the guy behind them), and I can’t get the delightful image out of my mind or hard drive. Am I maybe gay or something?

A: Good news, Stuart Luvscox! I asked every single person I saw after I got your question, and I heard the word “no” at least once. So breathe a huge, long, hard…sigh of relief: you’re not gay! Gay people have lisps, and clearly you don’t (you typed “ass,” not “assthss”).

Q: I think I’m pregnant but I won’t know until some random advice columnist tells me I am. I have all the symptoms: I have gained several pounds, I’m moody, and I have cravings for random foods. Also, sometimes I hear crying from inside my stomach. My friends say maybe I have a “bun in the oven,” but I checked the oven and no buns. I hope you’re not only a low-paid advice columnist but a doctor as well, because I want to know—am I pregnant?

A: Sorry, babe, I’m not a doctor, but I have had sex with a lot of pregnant people. So, really, I won’t know for sure until I’ve had sex with you. (312 Edgewood Street, Maple Hills, OH 36702, 709-715-6239, [email protected]. I can also provide my fax, work phone, home phone, work address, and beeper—just e-mail my Gmail for it).

A: Please have sex with me.

A: Okay, fine. I haven’t heard from you on my Grandma’s phone. I don’t give ANYONE my grandma’s phone number! Now I’m not gonna give it to ANYONE! So here, here’s your answer, Preggy McSlut. You’re probably just 8 months fat.

Either way, by the time this is printed, and by the time you see it, either a baby will have popped out of you or it hasn’t. There’s your answer, bitch.

You fucking slut…having babies.

Fuck you.

I hate you, bitch.

Does that answer your question?

Q: My girlfriend won’t have anal sex with me. Something about she’s “saving that for Jesus.” How can I possibly argue with that? No, that’s not a rhetorical question. I’m asking you, how can I argue that?

A: You have two options: rape and rape. Actually, if it’s in the ass, it’s called sodomy. So you have three options.

Q: Ever since I had sex with my mom (she’s a professional prostitute, and practice makes perfect), my penis has had a weird burning sensation deep inside it. At first it felt good; it was like a good kind of pain, plus, any sensation on my penis is welcome at this point—I had sex with my mom for Christ’s sake. I phrased that wrong. I didn’t have sex with my mom for the sake of Jesus Christ Himself. Anyways, we didn’t use a condom, so this was probably the worst thing that could’ve happened besides me getting my own mom pregnant. Anyways, the burning sensation has gotten increasingly burnier and sensationier. Do I have one of those STDNAACP’s? Should I see a doctor and shit?

A: No, you don’t have a STDMTV. I have a burning pain in my penis, and I don’t have an STDeezNutz. You should see a doctor, but for being a whiner, not for an unbearably burny wee-wee.

Q: When is it okay to use the n word? I need to know. I really like the n word but usually get a negative reaction whenever I say it around black people, in church, at funerals, or pretty much anywhere. Why. Why can’t I use the n word? It’s fun and it rolls off the tongue!

A: It does roll off the tongue. But you already knew that. Tell you something you don’t know, right? I’m sorry, I’m so lonely. Anywho, I did a lot of research on this. It is okay to use the n word if you invented it…obviously. Also, if you currently own any slaves, you can use the n word. You may not know this, but some people down South didn’t get the memo and are still currently employing slaves. Well, not “employing” them, but you know what I mean.