- Remember when the polar bear was the face of global warming? Your family will love this nostalgic decorative polar bear centerpiece made of pipe cleaners and moldy bread. What will your polar bear centerpiece go at the center of? Who cares! The trick is to find bread with exclusively white mold. If you’re lucky, once you’re done enjoying your centerpiece you can use the mold for homemade antibiotics.
- Sexy post-apocalyptic film and TV characters were all the rage in the 2010s. Now that the eco-apocalypse is actually here, it’s time to make all those fashion preparations pay off. Dress in a black-and-gray, hobo-chic color palette of wool, leather, and dyed denim. We recommend using pinking shears (or broken glass) to cut tastefully asymmetrical rips in your garments. This has the added benefit of ventilation, since it’s like 110 degrees everywhere.
- It’s the personal touches that make a home. As you shift between despoiled Walmarts, remote hunting cabins, and (hopefully) abandoned animal dens, don’t forget to add a little of your own flair to each. You are the unifying theme in your living spaces. (Yes, there are rats in all of them too, but “rats” isn’t really a theme.)
- Since most of the birds are dying, one craft staple is now abundantly available: FEATHERS! You can’t swing a dead cat these days without hitting a dead bird. If you gather feathers of different sizes and patterns, you can weave them into a festive wreath that doubles as a quick sacrificial headdress in a pinch, like if you’re captured by a roving band of zealot cannibals. While you’re at it, you may want to show off your creative range by fletching some poisoned arrows with your extra feathers.
- Let’s talk about the kitchen. True, you no longer have one. But that’s no excuse for not making it the heart of your squatting. You can repurpose a variety of objects—an old plastic milkcrate, a collection of encyclopedias, a flat rock—into a makeshift kitchen table. Once you’ve got your table, accentuate it with an unconventional runner (maybe bubble wrap?) and sprigs of local vegetation (watch out for poison ivy). Are you worried that without any spices your cooking isn’t up to par? Try baking your food in mud. “Earthy” will soon become your new favorite flavor profile.
- A word about entertaining guests. Don’t. (Remember the cannibals?)
- The right kind of bedtime décor creates the relaxing atmosphere you need after another long day spent foraging and running for your life. A mason jar full of frogs serves as a do-it-yourself white noise machine. (Just don’t forget to punch airholes in the lid.) If you’re camped out near a ghost-town mall, ransack the Yankee Candle store and you’ll have all the calming scents you want. (Pro tip: avoid candles that smell like food.) As you’re lying there beneath your fashionably ripped black and gray blankets, hotboxing a lavender candle, and listening to your white noise frogs, recite this mantra until you fall asleep: “There’s no place like home.”