Dear X Games Organizers,

I would like to join the X Games as a skateboarder. I’m awful, and that’s the whole point. Everyone loves a failure, and I can be that failure. I can be that guy with a concussion, broken bones, and missing teeth from one trip down the U-cylinder. I’m just that awesome.

Here’s the problem with your current skateboarders: they make it look easy. They make it look like anyone could do a little flippy board thingy and ride down a stair rail and do spinny thingies at the edge of the half cylinder. It’s amazing! And based on watching the skateboarders, it’s really, really easy! They just picked up a skateboard and started doing crazy thingy tricks. Superb!

I, however, managed to fall backwards onto my elbow after 15 seconds on a skateboard.  I don’t know how that happened. True story.

In short, if I’m skateboarding while your guys are skateboarding, I will make your skateboarders look like skateboarding gods among mere mortals. Also, I don’t think you realize that although a good percentage of people go to skating events to see skaters perform amazing tricks that defy gravity, some people visit to see somebody fall down on his/her ass. I could be that person.

I must admit, however, I have one setback: I have no “nads.” When I fall on a rail and hit my crotch, there will be no ball pain. I will not lie on the ground holding my crotch, groaning in agony. On the plus side, I can totally fake this.

Imagine this: I’m starting at the top of the U-thingy, looking down on the scene. “Oh God,” I think to myself, remembering to tighten the rope tying the pillow to my butt.


The rear wheels stick on the ledge of the U-pipe. I tumble over the side and eventually do a faceplant on the middle of the U. The butt pillow falls off. People gasp. Then as I get up, people cheer.

Or not get up.

But let’s not think about that.

Do you know the difference between breaking an ankle and breaking an ankle with bones sticking out? Everything. The more gruesome the better.

If it comes to it, I can faceplant in a wheelchair. No helmets for me. Everyone loves a gash in a forehead with blood dripping down. I live for the moment when paramedics stand up and say, “It’s alright. She’s okay. She’s okay.” As long as I’m not carried away on a stretcher, I can perform so many other acts of injury.

I love teasing the audience by looking like I should really be going to the hospital but am not going to the hospital because I want to entertain the crowd. Also, no one really needs all their teeth. I would say you need four front teeth and four molars on each side. People will expect me not to have all my teeth.  The whole point is to get injured, anyway.

Eventually, I would end up in a body cast. Who wouldn’t want to see someone try to skate in a body cast? That’s kickass cool, but unfortunately, body casts actually make it safer to skateboard.

Anyway, I could be that person. I could be that person who runs into hard things at fast speeds on a skateboard. I could even start my own merchandising line: “Falling Emily.” You could license it. It would be awesome. I could include other sports I can’t do, like snowboarding, rollerblading, and BMX.

I’m also bad at running and physical things in general. Awesome!

Looking forward to injury and your reply.