Thank you for choosing TurboTax! Please enter your personal information. This is the last time in this process that any of this will be simple but to start here are some real slow-pitch questions. Name? Easy. Date of birth? Easy. Address? Look at you go. SSN? Had to think for a quick second there but you nailed it. Single? Bringing up some painful memories but you knew the answer. Do you have a five-digit Identity Protection PIN provided to you by the IRS? Ahhh fuck, ok, it’s starting.

Consider upgrading to TurboTax Elite! Includes everything in Free Edition PLUS:

  • It costs more.
  • You can Live Chat with our Tax Experts who honestly probably won’t know the answer to your hyperspecific situation that nobody else has in the whole country.

Are you claiming anybody as a dependent? Can anybody claim you as a dependent? Would you like somebody to claim you as a dependent? Would you like a kind, older couple to take you in and adopt you? Feed and clothe you? Provide for you so you can quit your soulless job and spend your days in their spacious and elegant manor house and finally pursue one of the dreams you just never had the time or resources for? Maybe horse riding? It seems so fun and you’ve always dreamed of being an equestrian but it never seemed possible? The wind in your hair? Galloping through the pasture? You always thought you would look good in chaps? Doesn’t that sound nice?

Did you know Intuit now owns Credit Karma? If your 2022 financial situation starts to bum you out you can easily navigate over there to let your long-term financial situation send you into an absolute death spiral.

Now let’s see if you’ve had any big changes since last year. In the last year have you moved, bought a house, had a baby, bought a baby, sold a baby, facilitated the sale of a baby (Black Market Baby Broker, uncommon), bought a boat or RV, sold a boat or RV, used a boat or RV to transport a for-sale baby across a border (International Black Market Baby Broker, uncommon) or gotten married?

Are you filing this return on behalf of somebody who has died? How was your relationship? Please enter below anything you feel you should have said but couldn’t. Do you feel like another loved one should really be filling out the deceased’s tax return? You’ve been taking care of pretty much everything yourself, they didn’t even really help with planning the Celebration of Life and they put all the cremation logistics on you even though they said they were gonna do it? The least they could do is take care of this boring shit?

Consider upgrading to TurboTax Golden Ticket! Includes everything in Elite PLUS:

  • You and four other children get a tour of the Internal Revenue Service Building after which one of you will be chosen as the successor to Commissioner of Internal Revenue Doug O’Donnell
  • Audit protection

Let’s move on to income! Do you need to add a W2? To be confronted with just how little money you’re making? With our state-of-the-art autofill technology, you can upload your document and we can fill in all the numbers for you! All you have to do is double-check, box by box, that everything is correct, taking just as much time as if you typed them in to begin with. Do you need to add a 1099? Agonize over what you can morally justify as a home office expense until you just decide to give up on your dreams and go back to a regular job? Did you make any money from interest? Spend 15 minutes of your busy day telling us about the $1.06 your savings account accrued.

Remember, it’s illegal if you don’t!

See that estimated refund up there in the corner? Seems too good to be true right? It is too good to be true. Like, it’s not true. Just wait until you check the “yes” box on one innocuous question and it plummets like your self-confidence the longer you are on this godforsaken website. “Did you make an ATM withdrawal in 2022?” Say goodbye to $854. Tread carefully on our questions about charitable donations, trust us.

Did you make any investments this year? Or contribute to an IRA? You figured it was time to be an adult and try to get some savings going for retirement? Well, the bad news is you now have more tax documents that you don’t understand you gotta deal with. The other bad news is all your investments are all losing money.

Consider upgrading to TurboTax A-List! Includes everything in Golden Ticket PLUS:

  • All-you-can-file 2022 Tax Returns with no blackout dates
  • 10% off all concessions
  • Maximized tax refund

Everything looks great! All done!

Time to agonize over pressing “send” like it’s the most important decision you’ve ever made! Time to feel like you’re somehow unwittingly perpetrating financial fraud on a massive scale and bringing upon yourself the wrath of the Federal Government even though after years and years of filing taxes nothing bad has ever happened! Time to close your laptop even and stress about this every single day until mid-April even though you could just be done with it now!