November 9, 1998: The Vengabus was stolen and driven from New York to San Francisco, stopping only after driving straight through a nearly empty Abercrombie & Fitch. All present were able to dive out of the path of the vehicle, leaving only the decapitated shirtless mannequins found strewn throughout the parking lot. The vehicle was recovered, unattended, and all the cushions had to be replaced to rid them of the strong scent of cologne.
October 2, 2000: Florida resident Kevin Nick reported receipt of a package with a cryptic note reading, “Let me show you the shape of my heart.” Upon opening the package, he found what appeared to be a heart folded into the shape of a horse, like a balloon animal. The owner of the heart and the sender of the package could not be identified at the time.
July 17, 2001: Four officers were injured following interference with an important arrest. After confessing to many flaws that weren’t necessarily crimes, including stealing as a poor man, drinking heavily, and failing to cut it as a wise man, apprehended murderer Chad Brian placed a phone call to an unknown instigator who reminded him of what he really was: a bloodthirsty cannibal.
Feb 10, 1997: Shockingly blond Justin Lance was brought to the emergency room, claiming that his heart was being torn up whenever he was with an unidentified perpetrator. He explained that he felt the pain whether or not he was with her. Doctors could find no evidence of wrongdoing, but a torn-up heart identified as that of Lance was later mailed to Kevin Nick.
October 31, 2000: Several members of the Florida-based OTN fraternity were injured after a series of nights in which a mysterious figure appeared in their dreams, disguised as a mix of Destiny’s Child with Janet Jackson's smile, only to stalk and finally slash them, Nightmare on Elm Street style.
July 31, 2000: Nick Drew, Rosetta Stone enthusiast, reported an encounter with a succubus using a magical artifact called “eyes of passion” to drive him wild. He reported that she gave him just one night (una noche, as he kept adding to his report), so he was unable to provide law enforcement with a description of the alleged succubus’ eyes, face, or name.
October 14, 1996: Local building owner A.J. Howie made a disturbing discovery in an empty apartment he was preparing for tenancy: a series of traditional games set up on tables, with real hearts acting as chess and checker pieces, backgammon counters, and pogs. The previous tenant could not be reached for questioning at the time, but a heart carved into the shape of a six-sided die was later mailed to Kevin Nick.
June 22, 1999: An entire city was plunged into darkness when an elaborate sunshine-stealing machine, powered by hearts, tears, and frosted tips was activated in an abandoned warehouse noticed only by local vigilantes, including Kevin Nick, who had taken it upon himself to find out why poetically destroyed hearts were being mailed to him at regular intervals. Approximately 10,000 residents called their city council members to complain about the lack of sunshine, which returned the following day with no decisive action from law enforcement officials.
March 21, 2000: Law enforcement officials pursued the source of a river threatening to drown the whole world with what appeared to be tears, but also may have been a sophisticated chemical concoction designed to wipe out humanity as we know it. All was set right by the next day, so authorities, when questioned, concluded, “I don’t know, I guess she smiled? I can’t really handle a press release when the world just nearly ended. I need to go home and rethink my entire life.”
July 26, 2000: In an unprecedented act of chaos, someone let the dogs out.