Aright you rat fink goomba useless slab of meat, I’m gonna give you one last chance to admit you’re working with the Feds before I kneecap you, and–

Excuse me, I gotta take this. I apologize. Nico, take over with the pliers.

Ma, hey. I’m kinda busy here. What? Yes, I took my sinus medication. My sniffle is better. It is! No I will not put you on speakerphone… Because I say so! I’m the most feared lieutenant in the Five Families, and nobody tells me–

Guys, Ma wants to say hi. Okay, Ma, you hear that? The boys say hi. They’re blowing kisses too. Oh, Joe “Ice Pick” Angelini says thank you for the chicken cacciatore. Whassat Ma? I’ll tell him. Joe, she says please bring back the Tupperware tomorrow, and make sure it’s clean this time or you’re in trouble, capice.

No, Enzo’s not here. He got knifed in a bar last week and he’s recuperating. Yes I’m sure he soaked his shirt in baking soda to get the stains out. Yes I know blood is hell to clean.

I have to go now, Ma. I’ll come by tomorrow, after I kneecap some guys at a strip club. I am not letting you come. Because last time you convinced three of the girls to quit the game and open up a vegan bakery. Just stay put and I’ll swing by at lunch.

You want me to bring my gun? No, I will not put a hit on your neighbors. I don’t care if the Finkelsteins accidentally trimmed your azaleas, I am not burning their house down.

And while you’re at it, can you stop sending emails to the godfather? He does not need a message in his inbox that says “Forward This to Fifty People or You Will Die.” The man already has a bad heart, and you keep telling him to “eat, eat, you’re a rake!” He's gained sixty pounds, now the other Dons all call him the Blob Boss. Yes, I think they should wash their mouths out with soap too.

I don’t know why your computer keeps making that humming noise. Maybe because you haven’t closed a tab since 2007. A tab. It’s the little folder thing on your browser. Browser. The thing you open every morning and type “hello Google is the pope a nice man” into.

Why are you asking Siri for help? You saw it on NCIS? Ma, you’re on a Nokia that’s older than I am. You might as well ask the fridge to do your taxes.

Okay Ma, I love you too. Yeah, I’ll always be… I will. I will. You need me to say it? I’ll always be your precious little boy. I SAID I’LL ALWAYS BE YOUR PRECIOUS LITTLE BOY. Now can I go, for God’s sake?

I did not raise my voice. Yes I know, I took the Lord’s name in vain, I’ll say my Hail Mary’s when I get home. Now please, I’ve got eighty pounds of cement I need to encase a guy’s feet in before it sets. I’m whacking Ricky “Handsome Boy Who Looks a Little Like Vin Diesel, But Early Diesel, Before He Got Chunky” Pasitano. It is a shame, I agree. Yes he’s a very polite young man with good posture. I do have to whack him. Because he told the Feds about my incoming drug shipment and cost me two hundred Gs, that’s why.

What? You told someone about the shipment last week? Who? A very nice man who was doing a survey on Italian-American mothers that are proud of their sons in the sanitation and/or construction industry? And then you sent the shipping forms so he could post them in his weekly newsletter?

Oh, Ma…