Alright everyone, thanks for hopping on this here Zoom today. I appreciate you joinin’ me on short notice. Barbara, love, great to see ya. Holy hell, is that Dennis? It’s been years! Oh– sorry– no, you go. Oh yeah. I just said that it’s been years! Good to catch up! Wait, who’s got the hot mic? Okay, let’s settle down, folks. Ah, I see. Dolores– you’re not on mute. Everyone can hear you talkin’ about your eczema.

We’re gonna start now. Normally I’d clear my throat, but not these days! Ha, ha. Okay, let the old man have one bad joke, won’t ya? Anyway.

Let’s cut to the chase. We’ve got a national crisis here. Tons of Covid vaccines gettin’ delivered, all ready to go, but they up and expire before they get into someone’s arm. I’m sure you’re seein’ these news stories, pharmacists and doctors runnin’ down the hallways to find random folks to give the dose to before time runs out. People just showin’ up at the CVS at closing time to snag some of the extras. Heck, I even saw one about some health workers caught on the road during a big ol’ snowstorm, going from car to car to hand out vaccines before they went kaput. It’s a madhouse!

These doctors, these pharmacists, these nurses, they got them fancy degrees and all that. They’ve got the lab testing and the ventilators and the crazy chemicals. But I think we can all agree that there’s somethin’ missing. In fact, I called y’all here today because it’s clear to me that there’s one thing these medical professionals ain’t good at, or at least they could be better. Somethin’ you can only learn if you’ve been out here doin’ it in the trenches. And that’s handing out stuff.

Nah. For that I’m comin’ to you. The best of the best.

I’m sittin’ here thinking, we could be masterminding this shit. Take Geoff for example. Geoff’s been out here slingin’ Coors Light at double-A ballgames for longer than most of these white coat jokers been alive. When a sunburnt bald motherfucker needs an extra-large with extra butter, everyone knows who you go to! Ya go to Geoff. He’s got one of them little trays sittin’ right on his belly with that funny little string around his neck—I love those things! And ya ask him to throw you a foam finger from 50 feet away? He does it.

And over here we got Marcy. Ain’t nobody handin’ out shit like Marcy. Pens? She’s got ya. Squishy stress balls shaped like hearts? She’s got ya. Forms with the fine print? Y’all know she’s got ya. These pharma reps were born to hand stuff out, and it’s like, no one’s even payin’ attention. Am I the only one who’s realizin’ it?! C’mon folks, if we play our cards right, we got a Moneyball situation here!

And Jacob Bendelstein. Can’t forget Jacob Bendelstein. This DJ is a mensch if there ever was one. I mean, he puts the ball in matzoh ball soup! He’s out here tossin’ bead necklaces. Glowsticks. Blow Pops. Spray painted bucket hats. He’s even got the t-shirt gun. And all these little pubescent freaks are just linin’ up for it! I mean, challah at your boy, am I right?

Let’s review the skills ya need to be a good vaccine delivery person. Gettin’ anyone to line up anywhere, screamin’ if ya have to, while still comin’ off as jolly? Check. Balancin’ merch on every possible extremity? Check. And the hardest job of all: managin’ the expectations of Denise from the PTA? Check. No one does it like us.

Alright, so here’s what we’re gonna do. It’s about time we, the masters of handing shit out, stepped up and did our damn duty. It’s time to prove ourselves, folks. Tell your vendor buddies. Tell your pharma crew. Shout it to the Jewish DJ circuit. We’re gonna show this nation how to distribute! WHO’S WITH ME?


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