Philippians 3:10: “I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings. And by knowing him, I shall be entitled to receive lovely baskets with little strips of faux straw, filled with treats which will usually be chocolate (and they shall be wrapped in shiny metal leaf). Believe in Christ or receive not these pleasant baskets.”

1 Peter 1:3: “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy, he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead and into an adorable small rabbit with cotton-like tail. Praise be to bunny Jesus who is always, like, twitching his little nose.”

Luke 23:46-47: “Jesus called out with a loud voice, ‘Father, into your hands I commit my spirit. And also into your hands I commit my entire body which, like my spirit, is now small enough to fit into hands (because I am not a very large bunny)'”

2 Corinthians 5:17: “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! Now with really long ears and an overwhelming appetite for carrots.”

Luke 24:2-3: “They found the stone rolled away from the tomb, but when they entered, they did not find the body of the Lord Jesus but rather some little eggs that were not actually eggs but rather egg-shaped chocolates. And upon rolling more stones away from other locations, they found more little chocolate egg-like things and they were good, for they fell out of the Christ.”

Matthew 28:5-6: “The angel said to the women, ‘Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. But you know not where you look. For you look for a man, and not a furry little white animal with a cute black stripe and some brown spots. And the woman said to the angel ‘My bad. I forgot that Jesus came back to life as a rabbit.’”

Ephesians 1:20: “He exerted when he raised Christ from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms. And to make sure his son would have no thirst, he hung a large bottle aside his throne which had a metal straw attached to the bottom. And at the entrance to the straw was a little metal ball that the son of God our lord could bump his mouth against which would, in turn, push the ball into the straw a little bit and let some drinking water come out.”

John 11:25: “Jesus said unto her, I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live. And he that believeth me in generations to come shall snack on little marshmallow chickens, adorned with a wealth of yellow and/or pink sugar even though I am a bunny and not a chicken. Also it is strange that chickens lay eggs but I am a bunny that lay eggs. And those that do not believeth in me must eat fish of gifelte and bread that, unlike me, has not risen. For it will be Passover which, coincidentally, is also going on right now.


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