Thanks for driving all the way out here to The Hip Hop Lodge for the Elderly. I’m so glad your group was able to make it even though I only asked you to perform last night. The gig should be pretty simple. Before you start, there are a few changes that I’d like to go over with you.

First, it’s going to be a little bit longer than we anticipated, only about ten hours or so, but that includes some breaks where we need one of you to read some announcements in six different languages. Don’t worry, we have a script written out phonetically for you for some of the trickier ones.

We’ve never had an instrumental folk group such as yours perform at the Hip Hop Lodge. You mentioned that you’ve been playing your folk tunes exclusively for the past fifteen years. We were all hoping you could change it up a bit and quickly learn some original hardcore and uncensored hip-hop tunes to empower our senior citizen residents. I didn’t see that your band listed anyone as a vocalist, but it’s mostly rapping anyway.

The stage that you saw on our website is at a different lodge. We’d prefer you to be strolling up and down the aisles here.

Although we’re not going to be able to pay you, we would like to offer some buy-one-get-one-free beer coupons at our in-house bar. You can use the coupons on any night except tonight. I know you guys drove about 300 miles from here, so the next time your quartet is in town you can definitely cash them in! We sell out frequently since we’re the only ones in our dry county allowed to have beer, so just follow our Twitter feed to find out when we randomly restock everything.

You can set up a merch table in the bathroom if you’d like. All we require is that you reimburse us 110% of all profits for our troubles. We’ll use that money to advertise our royalty-free music side-hustle where we sell your music to YouTubers and Tik-Tokkers. The details were all in the contract.

Speaking of our razor-specific contract, don’t forget that all music performed at our venue becomes our intellectual property from here on out. That also includes any future compositions by your group or any of your future children.

Oh, just a small side note: We like to help the seniors maintain their hand-eye coordination and build a demented god-like complex by allowing them to run a baby animal fighting ring during the show. We will be taking videos and pictures of all this and have it accompanied by your live music. We’ll put them on various flyers, websites, and podcasts. To save time, we’ve already begun distributing some material and broadcasting it throughout the world with your band’s full endorsement. We saw that your group has a residency at your local SPCA and does weekly gigs for them. So this will be a big plus!

Okay, it looks like I’ve talked way too much. You’ve got less than a minute to start. Have fun out there!


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