Yes, I'd like to see the car, but I need to know some things about it first.

How fast does the car accelerate? For instance, does it accelerate as fast as a suspect runs when Brisco and Green show up at his workplace and say his name?

Well, that isn't good enough. Brisco and Green almost always catch the suspect. I would like to be confident of a clean getaway. Ideally, I'd like the car to be able to out-accelerate Curtis or even Logan.

Not that I'm planning on committing any felonies, but I'd like to have the option.

I can't really tell from the photo—is it an attractive car? Does it turn heads in an automotive way? Does it show some wheel? Does it flirt with the road? Will adult men try to jump on top of my car whenever I'm stopped at a light? That could be inconvenient.

I like a car with big ideas. So, can you tell me: If I pull up in front of a strict schoolmarm wearing a burgundy cardigan and pointy-rimmed glasses, will she look at my car, take off her glasses and say, “What's the big idea?”

And if I get out of that car and straddle the hood like a hot lady in a Whitesnake video and say “This car is The Big Idea,” will she be impressed? Will she be carstruck? I mean, without me having to run her over?

Let's talk safety features. Does the car have Salmonella? You “don't think so?” Have you swabbed it? How do you know it doesn't have Salmonella if you haven't swabbed it and then cultured that swab in agar? Might I suggest you get on that? Personally, I wouldn't feel safe driving a Salmonella car.

What about the carrying capacity? How many ducks can you fit inside the car? I have a lot of ducks and I'd like to take all of them to the beach. I need to know if there's room.

How many ducks do I have? No, that's not how this works. You tell me how many ducks will fit inside the car. Then and only then will I tell you how many ducks I have.

And how many wiener dogs can you fit in that car? Yes, I mean with the ducks already in it. If it's under 50 wiener dogs, I'm not interested.

I didn't say I had 50 wiener dogs. I'd just like to have the option of transporting 50 wiener dogs if the occasion should arise. At least 50 wiener dogs. Maybe more. I'm not asking much.

I see from the photo of the car that it has a roof rack. That is promising, but there are certain things I need to know about that roof rack. For instance, if I drive that car down an old gravel road to a field of grass and if I have a picnic in the corner of that field under a shade tree and I'm approached by an old man in a straw hat with a tinfoil-wrapped loaf of all-butter pound cake under his arm asking to join me, I need to know:

Can that roof rack take the weight of that old man with a belly full of that pound cake and whatever else we ate at that picnic?

Because after the picnic, that old man is going to ask me if he can ride on top of the car screaming “Yee-haaaaaw!” while I drive down those dusty roads with “The Old Man Down the Road” by John Fogerty blasting on the radio. Because I want a car that takes things literally.

And while I’m driving along that dirt road, I want the kind of radio that will broadcast Morgan Freeman's voice saying: When you buy a car, you're not just buying a car. You're buying a lifestyle.

I want that pound cake/roof rack/beach duck/50+ wiener dog lifestyle.

So, could that roof rack hold a 160-pound man?

What do you mean you guess? You go out there right now and strap an old man to that roof rack, drive and around tell me what happens.

But before you do that, could you tell me, what is the hot carcass weight of the car?

What do you mean you don't know? How could you not know? All right then, what's the wet carcass weight of the car? Because when I am done with this car, when it is on its last wheels and ready to meet the sunset, I will need to know how much I can get for it at the abattoir.

You don't seem to know very much about this car, considering it's supposedly yours.

I see you want $2,000 for the car. I can give you $1,000 worth of buttons and felt. I'm knocking off $1,000 because of the Salmonella. But I'll tell you what. Because I'm feeling generous, I'll throw in seven glass eyes.

That's a real bonus, you know. You're not just buying the eyes. You're buying the lifestyle.


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