Here at Johnson Industries, we’re a family. And just like any family, we’re sometimes ashamed of our relatives, and we’d also want to know if we had an uncle with a hereditary disease that could spell trouble later on in life. It’s so important for us to do our part to support you in all of your wellness goals: mental and physical (but mostly physical).

We care about your wellbeing because we don’t need your fat ass jacking up our healthcare costs. That’s why we’re excited to announce our new corporate wellness program for disgusting pigs like you.

To implement this exciting new program, we’ve partnered with U-Fit, a third party wellness company, to deliver a free, mandatory, undeletable app. This app comes packed with tons of tools to keep your horrifying dietary habits under control, including a step counter and calorie tracker!

Enter in all of your daily activities and food intake: We super duper promise your data is secure and anonymous. There’s no way we’d know that you horked down an entire bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos in one sitting, or that you only took 36 steps the whole weekend, you sack of rotting garbage. The U-Fit audio library also includes yoga classes, guided meditation, and a recording of your 6th grade gym teacher Mr. Feltis yelling at you that you’re not even trying to keep up with the other kids.

Friendly competition can be a great motivational tool, so we’ll be holding a Biggest Loser-style contest across the company. Get those bathing suits ready: we’re snapping before and after photos for the employee directory. Because step competitions are so blasé, we’re rolling out step count cage matches at this year’s employee appreciation barbecue. Two employees enter the cage, begin stepping, and continue until one employee passes out from exhaustion or gives notice. We’ll miss you and good luck with those wellness goals. Sign up with friends! And if you don’t have friends, remember it’s because you’re a repulsive gargoyle.

We’re also “stepping” up our game around the office to ensure that we keep on track with your healthy habits. Now, this is still the same Johnson Industries you’ve loved working at for years—don’t worry about monthly birthday cakes or Free Donut Fridays going away! But from now on, we’ll offer a healthy alternative to those sweet treats, such as a crabapple, a cup of tepid herbal tea, or a pamphlet on the dangers of heart disease. Some of our more attractive employees will be with you every step up the way by standing in the break room, making “tsk tsk” noises and looking at you with pity. Make sure to choose wisely and keep in mind that you absorb a portion of our skyrocketing medical premiums, you revolting slob.

Remember the rickety death trap of a Nordic Track we bought for the company back in 1988? It’s back! All of our human dumpster fire employees are invited, encouraged, and required to check out our revamped corporate gym, located in the 2nd floor supply closet. Not only can you take “ol’ Nordy” for a spin, but you can play on our refurbished Wii Fit, or lift one of the assortment of heavy objects we’ve placed around the room. We’ll get you back to your high school fighting weight in no time, or at least make you feel as bad about your body as you did in high school. Same thing.

At Johnson Industries, we’re behind you 100%. Therefore, your poor diet, lack of exercise, frequent alcohol consumption, and history of mental illness is 100% our business. Our success is your success, just as your failure impacts our bottom line. Remember, you’re not alone in striving for better health. We’re in this together, you shameful monster.

You got this!