Marin County Coroner’s Office
Name of Deceased: McDowell, Trent
T.O.D: 9:31 PM
Body identified by: The woman the deceased was dating (not “his girlfriend.” See supplementary notes for details)
The victim was wearing a Brooks Brothers blazer over a throwback Oakland Raiders jersey (#75, Howie Long). Upon removal of the deceased’s clothes, I detected an odor of Tom Ford Noir cologne, applied liberally.
Abrasions and trace amounts of stucco on knuckles indicate he had punched a wall in the last 8 hours.
Calluses on hands are consistent with lifting free weights as opposed to manual labor. Judging by the proportional strength of quadriceps and gluteus maximus muscles, the deceased rarely skipped leg day.
- The victim’s iPhone. Recent texts between the deceased and his father read: “Good.” “Sure.” and “You too.” Recent Google searches included: “How do I change a tire?”
- One (1) ticket stub for Venom 2 (research shows that the same theater was also screening The French Dispatch and the new A24 film).
- Forty-five (45) new business cards. Job title “Account Executive at Hal Riney & Partners” (Silian Rail font)
The following was found in the deceased’s system: Ballast Point IPA, creatine, small-batch bourbon, ill-advised adoration of Norman Mailer, medium-rare red meat, Bulletproof coffee, seasons 1-4 of Rick and Morty committed to memory.
ENDOCRINE SYSTEM: The deceased’s pituitary gland secreted almost exclusively testosterone, which had metastasized, invading and replacing other hormones like a cuckoo laying eggs in another bird’s nest.
GASTROINTESTINAL TRACT: Numerous stress-induced ulcers in the stomach lining. The testosterone-fueled pain receptors had mutated, however, to misinterpret the aching as a sign of virility.
CENTRAL NERVOUS SYSTEM: The frontal portion of the cerebellum, which controls male competition (known as the “Hemingway quadrant”), was disproportionally enlarged. This bloated region disrupted neural pathways in the abutting language center, rendering it incapable of processing the words “I love you.”
The woman who brought the body to the hospital said that the deceased refused to define their relationship. They were “keeping it casual,” despite the fact that they had dated for three months. She added that the deceased had a competitive streak w/r/t sexual intercourse, often furious at himself for not bringing her to climax.
My observations all point to one conclusion: the cause of death was Toxic Masculinity, self-inflicted. The fatal event likely occurred as follows:
Whilst out at the movies with
his girlfriend the woman he was seeing, a traumatic event forced the deceased to confront his perceived insecurities. Presumably it stemmed from a pathological inability to admit that Tom Hardy is an attractive man.
Competing nerve impulses sent contradictory signals to the brain, which led to him punching a wall, causing yet another spike of adrenaline that choked and poisoned the central nervous system, sending the body into shock.
The liver would normally dispose of these toxins, but it was working double-time to process the bourbon, IPA, and pent-up desperation. The victim’s organs could not sustain that level of masculinity for that long, paralyzing him in a rage coma that proved fatal.
Speaking as a man and not as a medical examiner, it pains me to see toxic masculinity claim another promising life that could have contributed to society in subtle and meaningful ways. I mourn the fact that this gentle soul embraced fury over sensitivity and could not find the proper outlet to express his emotions that society would not allow him to express–
No. Scratch that. My professional capacity doesn’t allow me to be sad. I am angry. And that anger reaffirms my stoic resolve that we will one day find a cure. Yes. That is the proper and only response to this.