It has recently come to my attention that all of my genuine human connections may have been based on whether or not that person owned a Nintendo 64.

Basically, Daniel in Accounting brought it up to HR that I was repeatedly asking my co-workers whether they had an N64, and whether I could go to their house at lunch to play.

I do not deny any of this. But I am, however, wondering what everyone’s deal is.

In my defense, this is not something I realized was weird. Back in Grade 6 this was basically everyone’s go-to move. Walk up to someone in class, ask about whether they had played Perfect Dark, and based on their response forge a lasting bond which would allow pretty reliable access to an N64.

Sure, I was just a young kid back then, but I don’t really see what else has changed. Is Perfect Dark not badass anymore? Because no one told me that. And I certainly wasn’t aware that the entire basis on which I learned to forge real connections with people was just going to be some passing trend.

I mean, let me know if I’m missing something here. Did the N64 stop being awesome? Is Banjo & Kazooie not a revolutionary platformer that still holds up flawlessly today? Because last I checked that game still rules, and I didn’t realize that was decade dependent. So what’s the difference between me seeking that thrill in 1996 or 2020?

I mean, okay, I can understand the argument that maybe I am just using people for their video game console. But don’t we all seek friends with similar interests? Can’t people understand why someone who is as passionate as me about N64 would want to establish that mutual passion from the outset. Plus, you know, if you don’t have Diddy Kong Racing then why would I waste my time?

People have been saying I’m stuck in the past or this is just a coping mechanism or whatever. And I guess I have been suspicious about the lack of N64s lately. So it does get a little lonely. Come to think of it, the only real friend I’ve made in the last 2 years was Jim from the back warehouse, and he’s a pretty weird dude. But I was willing to let it slide because he had the cool purple see-through N64.

To be honest I really just pinned it on everyone settling down. Everyone says that friends become harder to come by as you age, what with everyone focusing on their careers and having kids and stuff. It kind of seemed like I was the only one who even wanted to make new friends, and I guess this always seemed like a good way to connect with people.

And now Daniel’s telling me that I’ll never make any valuable connections if I continue down this path. But I bet Daniel hasn’t tried burning through a Friday night with his pals, playing split-screen Goldeneye big head mode with the volume turned most of the way down because it’s past 11. Because that’s pretty great, and I guess I’m still just searching for that feeling. So fuck you, Daniel.

I wonder if Daniel has N64.