This is the part where I’m supposed to dazzle you with the cleverness of this proposed book: what it will say and how it will say it. But, can we be honest? I haven’t written a single page yet so the actual final product is as much of a mystery to you as it is to me. I guess I can at least clarify that it is not an actual mystery.

I do intend to write totally fresh and relevant chapters, hopefully mentioning whatever is currently cool—Ted Cruz’s poodle Snowflake or freeing Britney but in the future. Then again, back to the truth bombs: I’m obviously not clairvoyant so these will be guesses, but educated ones, like the arrest of some male singer we already knew was gross for doing gross stuff or a school board removing from their curriculum a book that was always racist because it is in fact racist.

In other good news, I can promise not to dwell on the pandemic because surely everyone stuck at home is now a writer, taking that crap advice “write what you know.” And that will no doubt translate into a shit ton of books about not wearing pants, eating chips all day, and plotting the downfall of friends who continued to travel, party, and generally enjoy life despite Covid-19. Ok, that last part could be specific to my pandemic novel, which this book absolutely is not, I swear.

As for market considerations, this book is of course supposed to be similar to some bestseller but totally unique at the same time: Harry Potter set in Wisconsin or Bridgerton with man-eating hamsters. I should also pledge its wide appeal, but I haven’t left my house in a full year so what do I know about people’s tastes these days. How about we just go through the motions here: the book is totally original like other big hits for anyone who still reads despite the continued collapse of life as we know it and might enjoy my very particular style which has been described as “delightfully simplistic” and “optimistically long.”

I could say that I have a platform since I have published before, but we know each other now, so I can be candid. I’m obviously not Dolly Parton famous or even that lady in the park with the unleashed dog infamous. Sales will reflect that. I may mention my blog or my many Twitter pals (by many, I mean twelve) but we all know that’s filler. So let’s cut to the chase: would you consider a bribe? Since I’m a writer there’s obviously a liquidity issue but I can make you (and any associated review board or marketing team) a nice homemade macrame plant hanger (a hobby I’ve taken up in quarantine), maybe in a sexy pink?

If you take me up on this indecent proposal, you can expect praise for this ill-defined book similar to praise for my past work: “The perfect size for my wobbly table,” “Words, cool!” and, from my mom, “Good for you, honey. But, no, I haven’t had time to read it yet.” As for the completion date, who knows, especially these days, am I right? When you draw up the contract, it would be great if you could reflect that, with language like “royalties if it sells” and “upon completion whenever.”

I very much look forward to working with you and can promise the frustrations inherent in all collaborative work as well as the occasional over-the-top behavior expected of any great auteur who lives with her parents and writes about mimes.

My C.V. is attached.


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