Dear SirTopnBottom,

I love my partner. He’s a 1991 Diesel and one of the most engaging locomotives I’ve ever connected to. Recently, he's been a bit restless and has started abruptly switching tracks during our intimate time. The other night, we were going really hard, 100mph towards Albany/Rensselaer, NY, but he suddenly switched our destination to Richmond, Virginia. It was a huge breach of my trust. I’m an older 1965 Steam Engine. I want to keep him happy, but I’d prefer some communication from him.

—RailedInRensselaer

Dear RailedInRensselaer,

It sounds like your partner would like to try out some new ways of being intimate with you. This could be a great way to improve your sex life, but make sure he knows how you feel about the situation. Communication is key. Try taking him into a station and discussing some ground rules. It might be worthwhile to invest in a signal light. This way you know when he’s about to switch tracks. My partner and I have gotten a lot of mileage from doing it transcontinental-stye from time to time.

Best,

SirTopnBottom


Dear SirTopnBottom,

I’m an Amtrak train and I just started seeing a new dining cart last month. We’ve been hanging out a lot and I feel like we really see bumper to bumper. It’s rare to find a cart that’s such a babe and loves the conductor Casey Jones. Not to mention, she refuses to serve frozen food to customers—that’s so classy. Do you think it would be too soon to ask her to join my line? I think the San Diego to LA crowd would really take to her.

—Thatsmmyline

Dear Thatsmyline,

Has she shown any signs that she could be seeing other carts? A month is still quite early. How often are you two going on routes together? Does she stay over at your train yard? I’d say give it a bit more time, let your bond grow. Build up to the relationship talk. You don’t want to catch her with her doors open and ruin the whole thing. Just because she enjoys the work of 19th-century conductor, Casey Jones doesn’t mean she’s the one for you.

Best,

SirTopnBottom


Dear SirTopnBottom,

My caboose just added a freight car to our train, should I be worried? Things have been on the rocks recently. We’ve been missing arrival times, stopping unexpectedly on the tracks, and losing luggage. It seems like she’s preparing to leave me for another train.

Best,

RunawayTrain

Dear RunawayTrain,

This is a tough and ambiguous time. The best response would be to talk about it. You don’t know if she wants to become her own line or if she just bought a new freight to open your doors to more stowaways. If she does want to leave, break off with her cleanly right there. Relationships based on government funding never end well.

Best,

SirTopnBottom

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