Hey! Hey, asshats! Get over here by the tetherball court or you’ll be the one I’m smacking around a metal pole next.

A lot of you have been asking me how I’m so good at beating kids up and making their lives miserable. Besides the fact that I was held back a few years and subsequently am now twice the size of my peers, there’s one other trick I have up my leather jacket sleeve. I have perfected the most heavenly recipe of a beating that will satisfy any bully’s appetite for a good smackdown on the innocent: a knuckle sandwich.

Concocting a knuckle sandwich is a delicacy in itself, and should be taken with care. Five-star bullies such as myself have been known to give a wedgie or two as an appetizer before the four-course meal that is the knuckle sandwich, but it easily stands as a meal ticket to a life of crime on its own. While the theatrical presentation of the knuckle sandwich is a triumph in itself, the way a knuckle sandwich makes you feel is what’s truly so quality to the point that you’ll be asking for seconds. You ever give some dweeb a noogie so hard, you find yourself smiling at the sight of him struggling and going cross-eyed? That’s only a morsel of what a knuckle sandwich begins to taste like when it’s prepared properly.

For me, I like giving a good knuckle sandwich when I have a hankering to really inflict some lifelong trauma on some four-eyed dork who will eventually become a CEO. The first time I made one was three years ago, when that idiot nerd Stephen Perry wouldn’t let me copy his homework. From the shoving, to the toilet bowl dunking, to the creme de la creme of the ending punch, by the end of the beating, I was so full of contentment, so nourished with toxic masculinity, that I was about ready to have a cigarette and pass out on the couch. Now, I whip up a knuckle sammy any time I get an ache to cause some ache and pain to some weirdo loser completely minding their own business.

And let me tell you, it always “hits” the spot.

Now I wish I could take credit for this masterpiece of a recipe, but this is a family recipe passed all the way down from my great-grandfather who came fresh off the boat to Ellis Island. He gave a knuckle sandwich to the town crier in his old Hungarian village for announcing he cheated on his wife at the time and escaped to America to avoid jail and I guess a better life too. Right after he beat up the Ellis Island official for trying to change his last name to something pronounceable, he knew the knuckle sandwich was going to be something he would pass down for generations.

While other little boys and girls got bologna sandwiches with the crust cut off after school, I was fed meaty knuckle sandwiches with a closed fist. Little did I know they weren’t only punishing me, they were teaching me a lesson. The lesson of how to make a knuckle sandwich. Today, I teach you meatheads that lesson so that you can continue my legacy as I move on up to 9th grade—fingers crossed—next year at age 16.

Knuckle Sandwich

Course: Lunch (best served outside during a recess break)
Cuisine: American
Prep Time: Decades of intergenerational trauma
Cook Time: 10 minutes for beginners, 5 minutes for experienced bullies
Serving Size: 1 sandwich = 2 days of stolen lunch money

Ingredients:

  • 1 cup of fresh dirt from local playground
  • ½ gallon of toilet water from previous swirlie to marinate fresh meat
  • 1 set of divorced parents
  • 3 tall bystanders
  • 1 spineless teacher
  • 1 small 5×6 locker
  • 1 nerd
  • A pinch of low self-esteem
  • 10-15 insults you overhear from a television show

Instructions:

  1. Preheat your bottled-up anger to 300 degrees with your set of divorced parents.
  2. Fill up ½ gallon jug of toilet water used from previous swirlie two periods ago. This is to marinate fresh meat.
  3. Grab pile of fresh dirt from playground for flavor.
  4. Choose harmless nerd from math class, you will use this for projecting.
  5. Gather 3 tall bystanders for backup. It’s recommended they have similar trauma as you.
  6. Hurl 10-15 insults at nerd after class, ensure comedic timing.
  7. Shove nerd against 5′ x 6′ small locker, begin to laugh maniacally.
  8. Grab the nerd and dunk its head into a gallon of toilet water about 5 times.
  9. Toss dirt into nerd’s face, screaming “How you like that mudpie loser?”
  10. With 3 tall bystanders, continuously punch and kick nerd down. Repeat until beaten up real good.
  11.  Enjoy a life with no consequences.
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