Son? … Son? I hope I'm not disturbing you. Am I disturbing you?

Son! Wake the hell up! I think it's time you and I had a little talk.

No, it can't wait until morning. Besides, it's 4am, so technically it is morning, smart guy.

There comes a time in every man's life when he’s stayed up late drinking Brandy Alexanders alone whilst watching soft-core foreign films, and he decides that right now would be a good time to impart some wisdom on his offspring.

Son, let me explain to you in detail the subtle art of Gettin' Busy with a Lady.

Gettin' Busy isn’t always a pleasure cruise; it can be damn hard work. So if you're feeling tired, ask her to get on top for a while.

I'm bringing this up because I've noticed subtle changes in your behavior and bathroom schedule recently. You seem to be spending a lot more time in your bedroom, you're in the shower for longer than is—in my fatherly opinion—necessary and frugal, and also your mother caught you masturbating the other day and tried to somehow blame me for it. What's the deal? I barely even talk to you usually! So I'm here to make sure you understand the road you’re heading down, because believe me, it’s a damn fun one.

I won't go into any biological details, because that would just be awkward for both of us (and what are your teachers paid for anyway?), but I really want you to understand that Gettin’ Down to Business is serious business.

When a man and a woman or a man and a man or a woman and a woman find each other attractive, they will very quickly want to Get Busy with each other. But for some reason our society is against sudden explicit displays of passion in public, so you have to talk and get to know them for a bit until you find yourselves somewhere private or with dense tree cover. It’s a formality that I pray will be done away with in your lifetime if not mine.

One thing you really must be aware of is hygiene. Make sure anyone you plan on Gettin' Busy with is up to your own personal standard that you set for yourself. Personally, I'd keep my standards low if I were you, as it will broaden the field of potential partners to Get Busy with. It’d be silly to discount someone just because they’re a bit smelly/damp/homeless.

Son, turn back over and face me like a man. That’s right, you’re a man now; a 12-year-old man. And Gettin’ Busy isn’t some sort of game! There are rules and boundaries that you have to be aware of, it takes practice to become proficient and skilled at, and sometimes there’s a time limit. I guess it sort of is like a game after all, but I’m telling you, treat it as a professional athlete would: with focus, determination and sometimes drugs to enhance your performance.

The most important thing, and I cannot stress this enough, is to remain safe and always have protection on you. That’s why I went and bought you this fishing knife. You’ll no doubt be Gettin’ Busy with a stranger every once in a while, which is completely fine but you also want keep the level of risk at a minimum. I’d really feel a lot safer knowing you’re being responsible at all times by packing a very deadly weapon.

Also, you need to make sure that whomever you’re Gettin’ Busy with is being just as responsible. Remember to ask her if she's on the pill, then stop and ask several times whilst Gettin' Busy just to make sure. It’ll show her that you care. Women like men who take responsibility seriously.

You have to understand that human sexuality is a completely natural thing, son. It's almost as old as humanity. I think it was discovered around the same time as Raquel Welch started wearing those sexy mammoth-fur bras and panties, so around 10,000 years ago. Before that I don't think there is any recorded history to draw from. We simply just don't know if things were sexy before that.

If you were born a girl, your mother would probably be sneaking in here right now to teach you about the dangers of Gettin' Busy whilst also manipulating you through your common gender to turn you against me. But thankful it’s just the boys here tonight. No chicks allowed!

Gettin' Busy isn’t always a pleasure cruise; it can be damn hard work. So if you're feeling tired, ask her to get on top for a while. Then if she says she’s feeling tired, tell her that you've hurt your back and have to remain supine. If she doesn't complain too much, she's a keeper. See whether you can use similar excuses in other facets of your life to get out of doing stuff you don’t feel like. It's a real life/Gettin' Busy hack.

Gettin' Busy isn't something to take lightly, Son. You must remember to be mature about it. So for the first few times you'll have to try really hard not to giggle when you see your partner's naked butt or boobies. But you'll get used to the sight after a while and it'll become a bit less funny.

You may not think it now, but Gettin' Busy is a really beautiful and natural thing to watch other people do. Because trying to watch through people's bedroom windows is time consuming and hasn’t been legal for a little while now (I know, right?), there are many websites that can facilitate your voyeurism instead. Here’s a list of trusted sites that won’t give the computer viruses. That lesson cost your old man a lot of money and hours of unrecoverable downloaded content.

I must warn you though, you don't ever want to watch yourself Gettin' Busy. Trust me, it's not cool. I generally tend to throw a black cloth over any nearby mirrors in the bedroom or public bathroom beforehand. You'll thank me afterwards, you really will. For if you accidentally catch a glimpse of yourself in a mirror whilst Gettin' Busy, you'll most likely be wearing the same shameful expression I see on the dog's face every time I let him out and watch closely from the porch while he takes a shit. But it won't be so laugh-out-loud, veranda-slappingly funny then, will it?

Here's something that a lot of people neglect to tell you. It is really important when you're finished Gettin' Busy to put all of your clothes back on afterwards. If you forget to (and this can happen) you'll get some quizzical looks from people on the street, who will know you Got Busy recently from some obvious tell-tale signs (only wearing socks, penis still semi-erect, tousled pubic hair). This is known as “The Walk of Shame,” and I'm fairly positive it's happened to every one of us at least a couple of times.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t enlighten you about this city’s burgeoning sex industry. Now, this next part is crucial…

Son? Son! Quit pretending you're asleep! This is important, so you'd better listen up or you'll look like a total asshole when you walk into a brothel and I’m not there to guide you through the protocol. But if by chance there is a guy who looks like me there, don't pay him any attention. It's definitely not me.

Of course, there is such a thing as having “too much of a good thing.” This is called sex addiction, and thankfully our healthcare plan covers that these days.

I don’t want you to get the wrong impression though. Gettin' Busy isn't the be-all-end-all…

Actually, scratch that. It is the be-all-end-all. It's amazing, seriously the best! It trumps all other forms of leisure and fulfilment. It's insane, really. You'll love it.

Don't tell your mother about any of this. She thinks I’m asleep out there on the couch again, the idiot.

Actually, go right ahead and tell her. What do I care? At least one of us has your best interests at heart. Maybe leave the brothel part out though. Your mother has a weird thing about brothels.

G’night, son. I might be back later if I think of anything else or need you to run to the all-night for another tub of cream. I’m almost out of brandy so I might have to switch to Ouzo Alexanders from here on out.