"To condom or not to condom? That is the question." These words from a great philosopher set off a never-ending debate about the usage of condoms which continues to this day. What's little known, however, is that this philosopher didn't just ask questions, he then answered them. And the answer to the condom question was "not to condom." So should you wear a condom? The short answer is no. The long answer is no no no no no no no no.

But this great philosopher (I forget his name, it was either Plato or Aristotle or Saddam), while brilliant, prolific, and groundbreaking, did not live to see sexually transmitted diseases, porn, recreational sex, or science. We live in a new age where diseases and unwanted pregnancies are prevalent, and sex is rarely used specifically to conceive a child. If nobody wore a condom, Ron Jeremy would have like 5,000+ kids, and everyone would have crabs (and not the good kind that you can eat).

You think Hannah Montana wears a condom? No. No she doesn't.So it might seem like wearing a condom is "a good idea" and "you'll try anything once." You might think everyone's doing it, and it's the cool thing to do. Well if your friend jumped off a bridge wearing a condom, would you do it? No. You'd jump off without a condom.

The same goes for sex. Come on, put two and two together here. Having sex with a condom is like jumping off a bridge.

Who likes restrictions? Nobody. Rules (and condoms) were meant to be broken.

Condoms are uncomfortable, restricting, and just downright wrong. It's like putting an iron shackle on your penis. It's like putting your penis in a penitentiary, and not the ones where you play chess and find God, I'm talking about the maximum security ones, where you only get to leave your cell for an hour a day to shower and get sodomized. And last I checked, sodomy isn't "enjoyable."

It's a slippery slope, so to speak. One day you start to wear condoms, the next day you're only leaving your house for groceries in a protective bubble while avoiding eye contact with everyone you see, while battling an addiction to gambling and acid, praying to a red, fiery God named "Lucifer."

Invisible Condom
Next time tell her you're wearing the new invisible condom – it's called, YOUR FUCKING DICK.
Come on, kids. You think condoms are "cool?" No. You think Hannah Montana wears a condom? No. No she doesn't.

You think Paris Hilton wears a condom? Of course not. Want to know why? Because she's a true role model, kids. Do everything she does. Even if this includes going down on a Puerto Rican in an alley behind your orphanage for a shot of tequila and a spank on the ass.

Here's a simple exercise to determine whether a condom is right for your relationship or not. Ask your girlfriend/wife/prostitute if you can sit down and have a serious conversation with her. Ask for her genuine opinions, thoughts, and beliefs about wearing a condom. Tell her that she should feel free to get whatever she needs off her chest; that she should speak her mind and not hold back. Then, when she starts talking, ignore everything she says. Block it out. Ever heard the phrase "in one ear and out the other"? It's kind of like that, except you don't even let it go in one ear. Think about anything else: sports, Osama bin Laden, that girl you're going to have sex with tonight, etc. Come on, dude, you weren't really thinking about wearing a condom, were you? Get real.

Think of yourself first. So the next time you're thinking, "Oh I'm preventing STDs and pregnancy and gingivitis!" think again. You don't become the next Mother Theresa by thinking about other people's feelings, concerns, and problems. And you don't have the next Mother Theresa by wearing a condom. Grandmother Theresa's Canadian lover certainly didn't wear a condom. If he had, Mother Theresa would've never been born. She'd be dead.

See new PIC posts via Twitter or Facebook.

Sign up for satire writing or improv classes at The Second City - 10% off with code PIC.