Dogs That Are Varsity Athletes

  • Air Bud in the Basketball movie
  • Air Bud in the Football movie
  • Air Bud in the Ultimate Frisbee movie that got scrapped because the studio remembered lots of dogs can do that

Collies and Dogs That Border on Collies

  • Lassie
  • Border Collies
  • A dog that is very clearly a Pit Bull, but is listed as a collie on Petfinder because people are super weird about Pit Bulls

Disney IP Dogs

  • 101 Dalmatians
  • The 102nd Dalmatian they tacked on for the sequel
  • The Dalmatian your neighbor got for their kids because they loved the movie, but it turns out Dalmatians can be pretty aggressive dogs, so he had to go live with a distant aunt

Designer Dogs

  • Paris Hilton’s Purse Dog
  • Chi-Poo (Chihuahua-Poodle mix bred to achieve maximum anxiety-to-body-mass ratio)
  • Doodles in a Gucci collar in a restaurant in their owner’s lap at the table, eating pasta directly off their plate
  • Doodles at the dog park, unattended, unvaccinated, unmedicated, untrained, unstoppable

Gamer Dogs

  • Dogs playing poker
  • Dogs cheating at poker
  • The puppies in the Puppy Bowl
  • Your dog convincing your partner he wasn’t fed fifteen minutes ago

Dogs on the Farm Upstate

  • Old Yeller, because some dogs get rabies
  • Cricket, because some dogs have evil owners
  • Marley, because all dogs are mortal
  • Pipit, the dog from Jaws who gets eaten early in the movie to demonstrate that no one is off-limits
  • Your neighbor’s Dalmatian (He’s fine! The aunt really lives on a farm!)

Dogs in Positions of Power

  • German Shepherds that are cops
  • German Shepherds that bite cops
  • German Shepherds that bite so many cops, they have to be sent away from the White House

Dogs with Jobs

  • Pomeranian with an Instagram ($10,000 per post)
  • Dog Mayors
  • Certified Therapy Dog
  • “Certified” Emotional Support Dog with Zero Qualifications and its own Anxiety Disorder But You Really Need Him To Fly To Tampa With You For Your Cousin’s Wedding

Dogs Built Different (Wrong)

  • Dachshunds (legs too short, bod too long, tum drag on ground)
  • Greyhounds (likely created by Boston Dynamics)
  • Pluto (whatever they did to make him subservient to a mouse whose best friend is a dog that owns a house and can speak English)
  • Corn Dogs

Dogs That Can’t Breathe

  • Pugs
  • Bulldogs
  • French Bulldogs (cigarettes)
  • A boy dog when he sees a really, really beautiful girl dog

Dogs in an Interspecies Best Friendship

  • The Hound (The Fox)
  • Snoopy (Woodstock)
  • Russian Wolfhound (Vodka)
  • All Dogs (Man)

Dogs That Solve Mysteries

  • Scooby-Doo
  • Titular Blue of Blue’s Clues
  • Dog the Bounty Hunter

Dogs That Are Too Big

  • Clifford the Big Red Dog (cautionary tail against GMO dog food)
  • Saint Bernards (patrolling the mountainside with a barrel of Four Loko on their collar)
  • Dogs that need chopped-up IKEA bags to ride the MTA

Dogs That Are Too Small

  • None, according to your landlord

Dogs Who Teach Our Children Important Lessons

  • Bluey, after the first episode you watch with your niece (this show is actually pretty sophisticated!)
  • Bluey, after the 10th consecutive episode you watch with your niece (Okay, maybe we give Arthur a try? Just for one episode? Please stop crying! Okay fine, one more Bluey)
  • Bluey, after the 123rd consecutive episode you watch with your niece (Bluey is my biological daughter. I would die for Bluey. Also, I’ve changed my mind about not having children. I want 2.5 kids and a fenced-in yard. I want a Dalmatian in that yard until he bites one of the kids’ friends and has to go live with my sister in rural Pennsylvania)

Metaphorical Dogs

  • That dog you got in you
  • The dog you’re as sick as
  • The dogs that were let out
  • The dog days that are over