NOTE: This article is dedicated to my best friend's cat, somewhat hilariously named "Doggie." Recently the victim of an attack by some bitch stray, and despite now missing a section of tail and developing a worrying tendency to belt harmless chocolate labs about eight times his size around the chops, he is still demonstrably both more awesome and adorable than anything you're about to see.
Cute as a button.
If the internet's good for one thing, it's photos of cervices, but if there had to be a second thing, it would go to the culture of "cute." The human race has amassed millions of photos, GIFs, and videos of babies, animals, and road signs imitating adult human behaviors, pulling funny faces, or simply existing in an area with some arbitrarily designated adorableness, like a shoe or KFC family bucket. Whether this landslide of supposedly charming images was a response to the generally more mature material (read: filthy, filthy cervices) that ruled the internet waters, or just another diversion that wasn't masturbating or laughing, most of these images succeed in their goal of bringing a little ray of joy into the vapid lives of vapid people (and a few who were laughing and masturbating anyway).
But not always. Sometimes, the easiest of tasks produces the most glorious of failures, and catching your pet being cute is really fucking easy. It doesn't have to learn any complex skills like 1960's jingle singing or playing video games, all you have to do is get it to wear a bow tie for the fraction of a second it takes to snap a digital, or just find the last empty KFC bucket you used to poison your family you witless piece of human trash.
Failing to catch your baby or tiny animal being cute is like going into the kitchen to make instant ramen, burning your hand on the fridge, setting fire to the sink, and impregnating a fruit flan. And yet my how these seven instances failed to be cute…
1. Ripper Roo, Passive-Aggressive Dick
Now traditionally, kangaroos aren't among the accepted canon of cute things. Joeys maybe. And even then the adorableness typically stems from the kid being inside his mother's pouch, the defining example of cuteness attached to a sense of place. It's the zoological equivalent of a chinchilla poking its head out of a tuxedo pocket.
Maybe the other reason you don't see kangaroos around the repositories of cute is that not many people have access to them. We're not all boxing promoters or the spawn of criminals living on an island where natural selection was too scared to make an appearance and just left monsters to rule (incidentally, in politics we call this scheme "Thunderdome"). But the owner of "Rippa"—for that is how I imagine his name being pronounced with his owner's stupid, larcenous mouth—not only owns a ‘roo but a camera too! And a back garden you wouldn't keep a fucking war criminal in.
And you can see the amount of planning that went into making this hilarious screw-up. Lots. It is so lots.
Rippa's owner: "C'mon Rip! Oi got the camera ready! Let's play ball! Fosters and barbies and deadly poisonous snakes!"
Ripper: "[Fuck you.]"
This is such a violent swing away from cute that it makes it all the way back around to goddamn hilarious. It looks like the mardy kid in the playground steadfastly refusing to have fun. Except he has big fuzzy ears instead of gothy makeup. Maybe kangaroos are just assholes too, but I'm not going to lie, they're becoming increasingly appealing as pets.
2. Echo the Dolphin, Convicted Sex Offender
Ah, dolphins. The graceful brainboxes of the ocean. Patron animals of strippers and 8-year-old girls alike, humans can't get enough dolphin in their lives. They are many people's definition of a perfect creature: smart, pretty, and callous cannibalistic rapists.
Seriously, fuck dolphins. Overrated doesn't cover it. They're the Coldplay of the animal kingdom but they're on our jewelry, in our burgers, mascotting our American football teams, and worst of all, now they're taking our women.
3. Glossolalia, Sleep Enchanter
Okay so kangaroos are kind of a long shot. They're not for everyone, I get that. And people have had entirely the wrong idea about dolphins for years. But puppies? Who doesn't love puppies? Well not me anymore.
Did you notice when the camera panned out a tiny bit that this little guy isn't tucked up in his plaid-lined doggy bed, but planted in some dude's crotch? And the kind of dude who likes to keep wee little dolls near his junk while he's trou-down? Because I really wish I hadn't.
If you were wondering why this steamy situation didn't give "Legs Akimbo" a rager, it's worth mentioning that he's Japanese. They're into some weird shit over there. Just sayin'. I mean if you told me this man had undergone radical transformative surgery to replace his genitals with a plush puppy toy possessed by the spirit of Lee Evans, I'd thank you for making sense of his video.
Otherwise, it's your standard puppy that takes Congress with the Beast in its sleep, and in Japan, that is the way, way less likely option. Every time.
4. McFluffles, The Great Maw
Right, so now puppies have failed us too. But how about two puppies playing? Surely that couldn't go too badly? I mean they can get a little rough sometimes but that's what makes it cute! It reminds us of how we were as youngsters: bumping, jostling, and howling racial epithets. It speaks to us is my point.
Feel free to speak to me (I'm reachable by phone, email, and carrier pigeon) and explain how, in the seven burning hells, someone thought a picture of one puppy devouring the head and presumably soul of another qualified for a photo thread on a cute collection website. It's not even uniquely psychopathic behavior—there are loads just like it. I really hate to do this although not really, I present to you… Silence of the Puppies! In 4D and coming to an Internets near you! (For optimal experience, please press play on the mp3 player that came with your patented Silence of the Puppies 4D goggles now. It should only play Yakety Sax.)
"But they're just kissing!" said a nearby retard. And right then, the sheer, cosmic emptiness of their head caused their bulletproof-thick skull to collapse inwards on itself like a dying star and me to in no way reverse my belief that these images are completely bonkers.
5. Nekomata, Juvenile Hellcat
Christ, there's no way a kitten could fail to be cute, right? They're like rainbows and teddies stuffed with candy an— oh fuck it. Surprise!
Look at that face. That's something you'd expect to be a terrified poacher's last vision. And it only gets worse when you start watching.
For all of you with difficulty reading, the owners of this video titled it "Kitten sounds like a squeaking door," with all the literary flair we've come to expect from YouTubers. But that thing doesn't sound like any door any human would make without in some way violating an ancient burial ground. My issue is, why aren't Nekomata, the Dread's owners, more concerned about the fact that their doors are clearly all made from powderized banshee bones?
6. Bomchicka-Wa-WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?
That's right. That's a ginger tomboy railroading another cat. If your cute receptors just overloaded with revulsion and you instinctively vomited starlight, that's perfectly natural. Well, your response is. It doesn't sound like your digestive system is perfectly natural. I mean starlight's mostly radiation but anyway the fact that a photo of some alley cat straddling a tabby qualifies as cute in some maniac's mind is pretty jarring. To put it lightly.
Think of it this way: replace the animals—complete in the positioning and relative interpreted race or background that you can get from this—with humans. Now, would Google allow this under a Safe Search? Of course it fucking wouldn't, ergo, this is perverted to an extent even a furry elbow-deep in the Marquis de Sade couldn't empathize with.
Look how still she's lying too. Man, I bet she gives cat head by kneeling down and blowing raspberries at it. Now not only have I forgotten the sensation of "aww," but my erection's gone too. Frigid bitch.
7. Max Charger, Snake Charmer
So cuteness has become but a faint, foggy memory replaced by horror, confusion, and sexual depravity. Well, welcome to adult life, star traveler, the rest of us were well aware of the world we hu-mans live in. But babies. Babies, babies, babies.
We are biologically programmed to not despise these things. Evolution gifted us the ability to drown out all the squealing and spraying of bodily fluids from every opening that these things do, provided it is our own. And that you're a man. Women seem to find even others' positively enthralling. Well congratulations on doing literally the one thing that you are hardwired, down to your fucking core, to do at each and every opportunity. You made a baby. Nice work. Now point a camera at it and let the magic happen already.
Okay, that one was kinda cute. I'm not a monster.