We live in an age where kids grow up wanting to be famous, we're guessing because you can be famous for absolutely anything and studying to become a marine biologist takes "too much work n' shit." However, in being famous you will be subject to a life more hopelessly boring than imaginable, answerable to absolutely every-fucking-body with no will to think independently and probably living the closest man-made Hell next to what Ned Beatty went through in Deliverance.

If all this isn't enough to deter you in your quest to be recognized (yes, you are a pretty, unique snowflake, you really are), then follow these simple rules in order to acquire the affection of an insatiable mob that has the social graces of a fully erect elephant dick.

1. Don't stop achieving.

Being famous is like being a Capo in The Sopranos: you're only as good as your last envelope. You could cure cancer, but show no desire to pursue the fame awarded and the best that could happen is your name disappearing into a cloud of obscurity, the worst being labeled "that kiddie rapist" in no time. It's like they want you to stick your dick into a child for the judgment they can unleash at the water cooler, if only to destroy a legacy they no longer consider you worthy of holding.

Michael Jackson using air quotes
Or maybe they just really liked fucking kids.

It's time to devote 100% of your attention—you're no longer entitled to the happiness they find so difficult to achieve without judging those they don't know, thereby making a narrow-minded, empty existence all the more bearable. Molding your life to fit theirs is your ticket out, anchoring your balls to your integrity because you know you're entitled to live as whoever you want to be, imperfections be damned, logic unfortunately lost to the throng of many.

Simon Cowell of American Idol
Or you could manipulate their sheep mentality for lotsa mon-ay!

Apply your usual internet forumer mentality to real life as you are assigned a celebrity "net worth" depending on how popular you are; this will be the gauge by which people's disposition towards you fluctuates. There's nothing illegal about their extremely antisocial behavior, per se (the police, the Pope, and the UN sure have dropped the ball on this one), but if you're generally disliked then as the majority they will justify any untoward actions—with the misery of others comes a sense of security for an inability to be truly gratified in life by one's own means, and really, who gives a flying fuck about a skank like Lindsay Lohan anyway?

Disneyland fireworks for homecoming
But my how she'll be honored in death…

It's out of a fear of being boring that these people respond so harshly towards someone verging on being just that; yet ask them to cut such conversations out of their daily routines and see how much their lives become unfilled space. These people are components of a system that has caused them nothing but misery by allowing them to chase a dream that will always be at arm's length, rebelling against their insecurities (or sense of underachievement) by picking apart the weaknesses of others; the fact that those who should care for them but don't (uh… the Government?) means they lash out at those who shouldn't give a shit about them amidst 7.2 billion of their own, the will to empathize lost to a plethora of unresolved mommy and daddy issues they console each other through while you sleep at night.

Woman in white sleeping on a bed

They don't want you to succeed, though; they need the failures to survive in a fast-track way of life where nothing is guaranteed and nobody even knows what they want anyhow. Demand has been tailored to fit the absurd fickleness of a human collective unable to keep up with a world speeding them by, the result of fast-food, get-rich-quick schemes and real short fucking attention spans. So long as they don't need to analyze themselves, it doesn't matter who they're talking about so long as it isn't them suffering this nightmare of ongoing human competitiveness, where bitching becomes the quick fix to a routine existence in which self-improvement is too much of an effort.

2. Don't expect privacy/common courtesy.

You aren't anything in this world unless you have something that 7.2 billion people haven't. That's why everyone has to prove their worth no matter how stupid the medium or how the message is conveyed (any forums anywhere, Facebook updates, Twitter). Yet people only find the courage to express themselves when supported by numbers, feeding off mob-produced sweet, sweet energy. If the common thought is hatred (an emotion largely propagated by a predominantly disconnected, digital age where direct interface is discouraged), there's no sense in going against the grain by appealing to our humanity when faceless, "inconsequential" emotion is a lot easier to react to.

KKK Rally in black and white with robes
"I'm all for the lynching, but I think the outfits need modifyi— White what now? Supremacy? Oh, okay, now I see your point."

99% of the knowledge they have on you is factually incorrect, the result of a million emotionally volatile minds cooking up anything they can to feel less disgruntled about their own insignificance—they couldn't predict what your reaction would be if they were to muster up the courage to let rip on what they thought of you and because they're doing it for impact, not for accepting the responsibility of their actions. It's purely to see those tear-streaked cheeks of yours, to knock you down a peg or two, you megalomaniac, by seeing how much day-to-day abuse you can put up with.

Edward Cullen in Twilight
And an immortal etching in the annals of history.

They'll essentially all be saying the same thing as a group, self-fellating each other at how much they all agree, but as individuals will think they are putting you in your place in their own unique way. The irony will be lost on you because you'll be too busy experiencing the same reality day after day while thinking about clawing out your eyes, the repetitive, destructive nature of memes leading you to believe humans to be descendants of a chimp-and-parrot rage-fuck to which your only escape is jumping out of the nearest window no matter the floor.

In short, they really don't give a shit about your day; they're going to let you know what they think of you through an unwarranted, absurd amount of self-appointed worth via as much indirect media as possible, ranging from the internet to across a busy road with five of their friends backing their play, swarming about all aspects of your life with a pack mentality that never seems to have left them from grade school.

Young Brad Pitt in pink
I was there when Brad Pitt's mother died; there to tell him to eat my matted ball sandwich!

Get used to going out and having people look at you when you're considered unaware; they have a story to tell, but if they want to re-write psychology they have to catch you when you least expect it, being "you" as it were, like David Attenborough filming wild antelope. The fact that you can smell them a mile away never seems to dampen their spirits in setting the world to rights, listening in to everything you say so as to spark up conversation over all the ways you're living your life wrong.

Batman flying in Batman Begins movie
Remember me, asshole?

Unfortunately, people don't know how to communicate things they overhear and put it into context, or convey a message with any degree of accuracy because they are trying to get their point across, not yours, and so the recounting comes with their bias (i.e. wanting to fuck your shit up). If you say "to praise rap culture is to dodge the issue of our impoverished and uneducated by glorifying their stupidity," they'll hear "black people are dumb lol," and you will be powerless in the hands of millions, all of whom LOVE BLACK PEOPLE ALL OF A SUDDEN?!!

Black Eyed Peas full band photo
All about the music.

You'll be surprised at all the ways they can spin "I would like a regular coffee, please," your digestive tract by this point obliterated by rumor, but you can't depose your anxiety by taking a shit in the public restroom because it will fuel further debate. If they could be in there measuring the distance between your feet as you unburden your lower intestines so as to discuss what it says about your childhood, then it's time for a whole new definition of rape, baby.

Continue to Part 2: Don't lose control, and don't expect any real friends »