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3. Don't lose control.

The thirst for the pain and suffering of others must be disheartening to the hopefuls out there forever searching through life's mysteries, but it could be the world's largest industry were people sufficiently self-aware, enabling us to quantify humanity's dickdom.

They want to read about breakups, parenting mishaps, and yeast infections (I'm sure it has nothing to do with the constant diet of chips, mushy peas and vinegar—nu-huh, you're exactly like Kylie Minogue), because deep down it enables them to relate and in some ways steal a bit of the light they feel life has denied them if only they were (more interesting) given the right paths. It's a means of finding control when their own lives can spiral out of it so unpredictably, like when their toast is burnt and they just feel like killing a motherfucker, preferably a baby.

What they never understand is the stress you undergo as an expendable commodity will make you age faster AND FUCKING DIE, and so being vindictive towards those gradually taking away your youth in a lifetime you only live once isn't thought of as particularly acceptable (common thoughts running through your head will include "Fuck you and your kind," "Boring motherfuckers are eating up my time on this planet; how soon can I get home to masturbate in a puddle of my own tears?" and "If I had a nuke, IF I HAD A FUCKING NUKE!"). Repressed rage is bad for you, though, so enjoy the cancer aged 31, asshole.

Amy Winehouse in a pink bra and jeans
You can beg them to stop, but it'll just drive them deeper inside you…

Slip up, lose your temper, and they'll judge you for it; has nothing to do with the fact they've been relentlessly hitting you in the face with self-righteous, misinformed stupid the last five years of your life. They're longing for the respect you'll never feel them worthy of, appointing themselves noble enough to usurp your time on this Earth by gossip alone with little inclination to look you in the eye. Lord knows your wisdom and tolerance (or plain exhaustion and acceptance) would rival that of Gandalf the Grey.

Vanilla Ice with spiked hair and rows
"You shall not pass… n' sheeeit."

You will learn to curse films like Love Actually, Independence Day, and Terminator Salvation as they serve the purpose of validating society's shortcomings, distorting the notion that integrity, kindness, understanding, and love are attributes manifest minimally when self-gain isn't at stake, most rarely the cornerstones of our functioning as a collective where brash, subjective reasoning overcomes compassion and empathy. Humanity, you're not fucking Hollywood, no matter how many times you've cast Denzel Washington as President of the USA so ahead of its time. Such films confirm that the world is lost, but absolve us as individuals because "I'm different from everyone else. I have a fucking heart! Take that ungrateful hobo who didn't have change for a quarter!"

Homeless man begging for change with a cup
Wh-what the fuck just happened?

Mankind is hateful, moronic, simple, cowardly and boring in its conformity. Its evolution towards civilization is a simple case of progressing, officialized consequences to base animal urges masqueraded as something superiorly human, the times we finally figure out "hang on, something's amiss here that over-political correctness cannot remedy."

Painting of the signing of the Declaration of Independence
"You drown them? You drown them in the hundreds? To make way for cargo? I see. Well… can't you just pack them in tighter? No, no, of course not."

It stands to reason that people look for improvement in others because of a failure to grasp that happiness is a choice and they have control over what they feel and who they are. Unfortunately for you, responsibility is too much hassle in a fast moving, competitive world that shuns those not hardened to "its realities." The biggest pisstake of all as a result of this is the look that says, "Duh… this is just what we do…."

Andy Samberg jizzes in his pants face
Not quite this.

4. Don't expect friends.

As a celebrity, your friends will consist of about 98% unknowns, people you come across in the street wanting to give you their opinion in any shape or form because they're tired of living everyday lives. These people want something to spice things up other than "omelet Tuesdays" and a blowjob from the wife if she hasn't had too many cups of coffee that day. If you can't stand endless attention, I would suggest you stay indoors unless the marathons are running, heretoforth known as "Freedom Day"!

Tom Cruise in the middle of street in Vanilla Sky movie - Freedom Day
Freedom Day—you'll go bananas.

Girl pissed front of her pants
Also, a little bit of pee.

Any other day, it's time for everybody's moment of glory; people will near you with Eminem booming in their minds "You only gat wan shot/Do not miss ‘dis chance ta blow/'Dis oppochoonitie comes once in a laf taam, yoo bettah…." You'll be able to set your clock to the range of all five emotions they experience giving you an opinion you've probably done nothing to merit, most often either horror or disgust at your sheer indifference. They see themselves as special and worthy of attention; you'll see over-excited, nervous, self-conscious, a touch ashamed, and all the fucking same.

The world as company will exist as six types:

The Friend

You'll still have friends, but remember, an itchy tongue burns the most. Even your closest and dearest will want to get in on the action, as they all have a lady-friend whose mouth they want to molest which can only happen if their status is improved upon, i.e. "being in the know." Lord knows if there's two things women love, it's gossip and dick, and guess which of the two excludes the other in its absence. The happiness spent with your friends will be a happiness shared with millions until envy creeps in at your inability to take the opinions of so many people to heart along with those of your closest and dearest—shame on you, you self-centered cocksucker!

The Starer

Best described as a "fleeting eye-baller," crossing paths with you to give you the evil eye because they heard some very vague rumor about how you did this or said that and so on. Remember, the majority of information they receive has been drastically taken out of context and relayed by someone who knows sweet fuck nothing about you, but steadfast they remain, trying to be the best goddamned human analyst on this Earth. Starers will rest their heads on pillows knowing they have saved the world from a danger so wholesome for yet another day, sighing with relief as they metaphorically rim their own asshole before succumbing to the heavy sleep brought on by endlessly and selflessly endorsing the World's security.

The Ridiculer

80% of the time they won't fully comprehend why they're laughing, and when in numbers will laugh, looking at each other confused not knowing if they're reveling in the same glee. The equivalent to sucking the peanuts out of your shit with jackal grins, it's for all the things they don't know about you that they long to impact your life for the vague things that they do.

Alien with small head in dressed in a suit

The Sympathizer

This person probably genuinely feels sorry for all that has been said and done, but by this point you associate society as being so disconnected with humanity that you find such behavior akin to Hitler regretting "all zat zhit I didz to ze Jewz." As with everything, they aren't doing it for you, they're doing it for themselves, yet somehow they can't make the connection between their behavior and your anguished/disgusted look, so it "must be your problem." They will go on to tell their friends you are a bastard—they offered you free ice cream and you showed them your dick.

The Gawker

What the fuck are you doing buying lettuce in Jewel Osco? You belong in the mythical land of the unicorns! OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD… You can't say that. Wait, did I say that or just think it? OH FFFFFUUUUUU…!!!

It never enters their heads to simply keep their mouths shut. By God, life is too short, their opinion matters by THE FREEDOM AWARDED THEM BY HUMANITY! Your human rights just got fucked in the ass, though. That irony will be lost on them (oh well… LOL). They crave your attention and feel their mind is unique enough to tell you something 999,000 people haven't, just walking to the supermarket. It's not that they give a shit about what you said, what you stand for and so forth, it's simply the acknowledgement they thirst for in a cold and twisted world where their existence is about as negligible as would be encouraged by one in seven billion.

Juno movie poster
Seriously, fuck this film.

The Indifferent Person with a Life

This type of person will become the Chocolate Sundae of people to you. Every time you experience one of these people, your heart will swell up to roughly the size of one of those stones in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, and you will want to hug them, so great is your love for their indifference to what shoes you're wearing or how runny your nerve-induced diarrhea. In your head shall be whispered like musical notes on a breeze: "So long, old friend; I hardly knew ye."

Continue to Part 3: Forget about relationships, and don't think you're not gay, either »

Interested in earning a living in comedy? Scott Dikkers, founding editor of The Onion, created Comedy Business School to teach you how to do it.