« Back to Part 2

5. Don't think relationships.

Psychologists have identified chick flicks as being a prime reason for which a grand majority of relationships fail, either because of the unrealistic expectations that we project upon ourselves to meet within such a commitment (y'know, you don't look like Matthew McConaughey and you sure as shit don't have his money ya dick) or simply because if you're taken to see just one more movie of its kind you're going to claw the bitch's eyes out. Women, for your information, a romantic comedy is Leaving Las Vegas, and if you think differently, you clearly don't know what love or comedy is.

However, if you're famous and in a relationship, hell fucking shitballs, you are the embodiment of all that's factitious in Hollywood, you never refrain from sticking your dick into things. What might be a bitter pill to swallow is that, well, life isn't like the movies, much to the chagrin of many, so you'll be suffering for the sake of a collective that believes celebrities "don't go through the same shit we all do as human beings."

Then will come a time when you break up with someone, someone with whom you have shared a love and Earth-shattering sexual relations so wholesome and Earth-shattering [sic] that you felt you finally held the meaning of it all in the palms of your hands. But what was once a deep and meaningful connection with another's soul has now been spoiled by curiosity, raped to death by the Paparazzi and other such lonely people. With this will come the wrath of the World's number one currency, and dark times ahead.

Guy from Deadwood TV show with a whiskey drink in hand
"The world abounds in…"—The Western World's number one prophet.

Monkey with a shocked face
Not pictured: sexism.

As a result of warped side-taking, you will suffer the anguish (read "consequences") of women everywhere who can't keep their mouths shut over shit that doesn't concern them. Your past relationship will be something they feel qualified to spout an opinion over due to "innate maternal instincts and consequent profound grasp of human psychology." For the entertainment of millions of "independent" women (all on the dance floor raising their hands to Destiny's Child all independent-like) who feel bandying together is the next step towards individual functioning, it's time to wave goodbye to vagina.

You'll awake every day praying for a woman sans pretension, strong enough to be her own person. Every woman will awake feeling prettier defending the one woman every man in the galaxy and beyond wants to pork so badly. You could tell them it's a flaky society's endless drilling of the misconception of what a beautiful woman is (although it is mainly the ugly ones) that fuels their insecurity in becoming the independent, strong-minded women they long to be, but also, chocolate tastes good an' that.

Scared boy from Sixth Sense
Especially the ugly ones.

Like the woman whose heart you broke, they too have monthly cycles, can experience childbirth, and pack on cellulite more easily on their buttocks. It has nothing to do with "this is what happens in relationships" and "bitch tried to cut my dick off while I was sleeping." If they can go from shithouse fat to slim n' sexy by defending a woman "just like me" instead of, I dunno, going to the gym once in a while, then by all means it's time to learn to suck your own dick, fella.

Ladies, until vaginas shit out gold bullion daily, chill the fuck down on your emotionally overdriven, manipulative, and interfering stubbornness that disguises everything you would change about yourselves were you not confined by man's incomprehension of your amorphous definition of equality, frankly summarized by yours truly (admittedly with a touch of male chauvinism) as a lust for comfort within convenience but without the responsibility. Take it from someone who's lovingly been ears-deep inside you:

Red rose petals
It's symbolism!

Every man who feels as though he doesn't get enough pussy, who has an image/personality issue as a result of today's woman never knowing what she wants, or regrets all the right women he threw out of his life, will think furrowing his brow at you makes him Captain Spectacular, Savior of the Vagina! None of them know what happened in your relationship, but if your girlfriend/wife/cougar trophy sex toy was hot, putting you down is the closest they can get to scoring a beautiful woman, next to buying custom-shaped, pornstar Fleshbots.

Nerd at an old computer
She's all yours now. Go git'er, Tiger.

They don't really give a shit about the girl; if they did they would leave you alone. Instead, they use you as a shallow means to getting laid, ridiculing you to women the world over so as to get inside the moistness of their underpants. Women will literally open up as a result, becoming more receptive to advances because they cannot live without the attention, their characters nurtured into a superficial shell unable to stand against better judgment for the sake of hoarding as much pretentious adulation as possible, that feeling that she's "prettier than all the other girls." What an appropriate use of the word literally, right guys?

Happy couple driving in a car
"Yeah, whatta dick. Hey, ever been fucked in the nose?"

You'll be too concerned thinking about how you can avoid David Carusso's expertise in the field when your cock looks up at you angrily and says: "I've had it; it's time to rape someone!" Unless the girl was fugly, or you moved onto something better. Then it'll be, "Oh yeah, that filmstar turned serial rapist/murderer, he's an alright kinda guy." Your misery will be propelled by the unfulfilled lives of women who can never have enough, chained to a walking dick (or numerous walking dicks) that gladly succumb to the sexual blackmail.

Big boobs cleavage in a button up shirt
Hell hath no— hmmmmmm….

6. Don't think you're not gay.

Drew Barrymore in ET movie
Can we keep him Mommy? Can weeee?

Being gay has become the next hot topic since being black in the 90's, ever since it reaching the "accepted but not yet embraced" stage. Like prequel film scripts, Segways (which to be fair, never took off), and Kirstie Alley, gay became a trendy, marketable product whereby people could observe such awkward behavior through exhibition windows and television screens. This is why the idea of someone in Hollywood being gay is so sought after, so we can set up a zoo and have our gay celebrities petted and nurtured. Not regular gays, though—they carry AIDS and smell of gay.

Most heterosexual people suffer from insecurities about themselves, few of which are not sexual, and so will brand Don Juan gay before accepting they can find a dude attractive. Add to this that gay people, despite wanting equality, are sure as shit looking for more famous people to add to their crowd so as to lessen the abuse from a collective that hates them. Before you know it absolutely everything is gay.

Lightning storm
Weather is pretty gay—look at it, all lightning on lightning holding hands!

Hugh Jackman, one of the sexiest men alive, has muscles up to the eyebrows and a deep, resonant voice that can make clitori vibrate just by whispering into the ears they're connected to. Which sex do you think most likely started spreading rumors that he isn't interested in women? The guy can bench 500 pounds and squat 1000—that's one fucking ton, or to put it into perspective, this:

Tyrannosaurus rex in a jungle

This means that if Hugh Jackman was eaten in half by a T-Rex from where his "back-support" belt would be strapped if he wasn't such a goddamn fucking man who sweats nothing but sex hormones and beer, he could still kick its ass by balancing it on the stump of his torso and throwing it on its back. This could of course be an argument for his heterosexuality, but then my response would be, "Who gives a flying fucking rat's ass, you shallow fucking cum-guzzler?"

Not a gay man
No homo.

Unless we just accepted it as "another sexuality" and not the media-frenzy causing irregularity that should probably be ignored about as much as The Barbershop films—but then humanity will always be about 200 years behind where it thinks it should be. Just ask black men and how they've been portrayed in Michael Bay films, or how far Jackie Chan had to go to become famous in the Western world.

Finish line.

Congratulations, you're the world's most important celebrity, bringing joy to millions whose criteria you have successfully matched. Look how happy you are:

Angelina Jolie in white dress
Not pictured: Dying insides.

Society, when your children burn for your inability to understand the human condition, we'll see who has the last laugh.

Join upcoming November classes in Satire Writing, Sketch Writing, and Stand-Up Joke Writing.