Has the time and heyday of "the Legend of Chuck Norris" come to pass? Or is there a revival in the works? Since I am a de facto dude, and since Chuck Norris is a first-ballot dude HOF'er, I'm going to explore the future of Chuck Norris statements of superhumanity. I will go overboard and beat this dead horse, since for all we know, Chuck Norris should be able to revive it.

Having felt that I've committed silent blasphemy, I am finally getting to the topic of Chuck Norris in month nine of my gestation as a writer. How this happened can be attributed to my eternal tug-o-war that is "Fear of Chuck Norris" vs. "Infinite Respect for Chuck Norris." Should I have discussed him sooner and avoided the fear of receiving a phantom roundhouse kick to the jaw? Or should I have waited for a sign? Luckily for me, my sign came during a Walker: Texas Ranger marathon on the Hallmark channel, and during that very manly marathon, it seemed as if gods of justifiable ass-kicking were smiling upon me. With that, I make this holy offering to Chuck Norris.

The Wayward Dragon: 20 New Facts Regarding Chuck Norris

1. When Chuck Norris shoots a 3 on a par 4 hole, a bird spontaneously dies (though no eagles have died yet).

2. When Chuck Norris is beset with indigestion, Bangladesh is guaranteed another year of famine.

Starving people in Bangladesh eating
The pooling of Pepto. An ongoing Bangladesh tradition/youth movement.

Is Chuck Norris a god? Probably. There are things that the beard of Chuck will allow: proliferation of life in Ecuador, Women's Professional Soccer, and dual-engine flying machines; and there are things that the beard of Chuck will not allow: the intentional disregard for law within Texas Ranger jurisdiction. Those observations alone speak for his eligibility. You don't need a gathering of Titans in a volcano lair to figure out that this deems him worthy of being a true and ultimately infallible god.

3. Chuck Norris' milkshake brings the boys to the yard.

4. The leading ingredient in a Chuck Norris milkshake is an elixir of circus clown blood and Jean Claude Van Damme's perspiration.

5. Chuck Norris is currently 71 years old. That is 497 in dog years.

Chuck Norris looks old on the phone with Mike Huckabee
Chuck Norris has survived 115 attempts at euthanization… and counting.

The secret to Chuck Norris' perfectly uniform beard can be found within his diet. His diet consists of the ?tears of proud men, chocolate milk, and Gillette Fusion razorblades. Even in segue paragraphs, there is still more to be learned about him.

6. When Chuck Norris farts, polar bears migrate northward.

7. Chuck Norris has an impregnation success rate of 100%, and each of his offspring have grown up to become professional middle linebackers in the CFL.

8. Chuck Norris has been told to have painted his den in multiple shades of eggshell, without the need for painter's tape… or a paint brush.

Living room is painted eggshell white
Yet another Chuck Norris home improvement conquest.

9. Chuck Norris is allergic to both pollen and ragweed… yet the presence of both of these allergens proves only to intensify the torque of his roundhouse kicks.

10. Chuck Norris speaks with utmost clarity, and has never had the need to reiterate anything he's ever said, though it's hard to say whether this is because he often wears a microphone, or whether no one cares what he's saying.

11. Chuck Norris' anus can withstand up to 80,000 kPa of atmospheric pressure.

Hubble telescope view of Jupiter and its moon Io
The site of one of Chuck Norris' many vacation homes.

12. Chuck Norris considers the surface of Venus to be a "dry heat."

13. On May 18th, 2006, Chuck Norris decided that the remainder of Wilmer Valderamma's acting career would be declared "mediocre." It is unclear whether Chuck Norris killed his own career or not.

14. For some unknown reason, Chuck Norris has not concerned himself with Ashton Kutcher.

15. Chuck Norris' sworn enemies see the world in vivid color and resolution, a phenomenon known as "High Deadfinition."

16. In order to show up to a Chuck Norris book signing, you must first fill out a medical liability waiver. If you've never had chicken pox, you will be denied admission.

17. Chuck Norris has only compromised once, agreeing that the equator shall lie at the latitudinal center of the Earth.

Chuck Norris approved thumbs up on a panel
The Chuck abides.

18. Chuck Norris has yet to feel the effects of mixing pop rocks and Coke.

19. Chuck Norris confirms enemies on Facebook.

and….

20. Death. Taxes. Chuck Norris. Two of these are inescapable.



Anti-Chuck Norris Facts – Chuck Norris has vulnerabilities too.
Move Over, Chuck Norris – Future prospects for mockery.
Chuck Norris Fearers – Angry hatemail from fearful Chuck fans.
Top 10 Facts – Chuck Norris' ultimate vulnerabilities.
Submit a Fact – Share the weaknesses you know about Chuck Norris.

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