Here’s what writer’s guidelines should really say. Believe me, I learned the hard way.
AARP the Magazine
- Don’t assume we would appreciate a review of the newest colostomy bags.
- Don’t pitch “The 10 Most Romantic Elderhostels.”
- Don’t submit your personal recollection of Pickett’s Charge.
- Don’t send a query of great epitaph ideas.
- Don’t suggest it’s high time we do a centerfold.
Air Line Pilot
- Don’t insert the words “black” or “box” in the same sentence.
- Don’t assume eye chart humor will leave us rolling in the aisles.
- Don’t propose a photo essay on “The Wonders of Fog.”
- Don’t expect the editors are waiting for a Hindenburg anniversary story.
- Don’t use the word “mayday” in a title.
- Don’t assume readers want to be reminded how heavy airliners are, how light air is, and how powerful gravity can be.
- Don’t presume the use of “barrel roll” in any context will be appreciated.
Architectural Digest
- Don’t insert “fixer upper” anywhere in your manuscript.
- Don’t question why people spend so much money restoring Victorian homes when they’re so old to begin with.
- Don’t P.S. that your article was fact-checked by Vern at Home Depot.
Black Belt
- Don’t attempt to list all the reasons why mauve belts should replace black belts.
- Don’t say how similar kata is to mime.
- Don’t threaten to kick the editor’s ass if your idea is rejected.
Bon Appetit
- Don’t use “E. Coli” as a pseudonym.
- Don’t say you’ve got some great ideas if we ever do a Road Kill issue.
- Don’t suggest a scratch-and-sniff article on durian.
- Don’t start your interview with Anthony Hopkins by asking what goes best with Chianti and fava beans.
Car and Driver
- Don’t assume that “gasoline” and “impact” would work in a sentence.
- Don’t address the editor as “Dear Crash Test Dummy.”
- Don’t offer to investigate how deer know they’re supposed to cross only near yellow signs with their pictures on them.
- Don’t write an essay demanding freedom for the Indy 500.
- Don’t offer to test-drive a Jeep Cherokee through Indian territory. Don’t ask directions to our office.
Cat Fancy
- Don’t think you can fool anyone by slipping doggerel, dogged, dogma, or dogmatic into your copy.
- Don’t offer catapults or cat-o’-nine tails in any gift guide.
- Don’t mention CAT scans in any veterinary story.
- Don’t say Old Yeller is your favorite movie. Don’t ask why Disney never made 1,001 Abyssinians.
Cruising World
- Don’t think a humor piece about icebergs will get a laugh.
- Don’t say the best place to cruise is Sunset Strip on a Saturday night.
- Don’t expect a story about the Andria Doria will reach anyone important.
- Don’t address the editor as “Cap’n.”
- Don’t ask if we’ve ever done a piece on the high incidence of STDs among cruise-ship staff.
- Don’t propose a list of ways to save money on single supplements.
Ebony Magazine
- Don’t ask why HBO’s Taxicab Confessions rarely had black passengers.
- Don’t dispute the claim that few African-Americans appear on TV by saying you saw lots of them on Cops.
- Don’t try to impress the editor by saying you know the real number of Wayans Brothers.
Men’s Journal
- Don’t propose a Mt. Everest story in which everyone survives.
- Don’t offer your chilling account of how you staved off a hungry opossum.
- Don’t offer to rank the Tour de France competitors’ Lycra outfits.
- Don’t suggest ballet is the next Zumba.
Modern Bride
- Don’t offer an insider’s look at bachelor parties.
- Don’t propose “The 10 Best Weight-Loss Wedding Gifts.”
- Don’t suggest an article on why pre-nups are good for you.
Movieline
- Don’t ask what we pay for an article treatment.
- Don’t write that a star’s net salary was “gross.”
- Don’t offer to rate the top 10 malpractice lawyers for script doctors.
- Don’t think you’ll impress anyone by closing with “I look forward to your people getting in touch with my people.”
Parenting Magazine
- Don’t offer a piece entitled “Bullies Are People, Too.”
- Don’t suggest a teen point-counterpoint on the best age for breast implants.
- Don’t ask if anyone’s done a piece on Terrible Twos-related PTSD.
- Don’t try to persuade us that you know for a fact that pit bulls are great around infants.
- Don’t offer to explain why spanking is not an acceptable disciplinary measure but head-butting is.
PC/Computing
- Don’t address the editor as “Mac” even if that’s his name.
- Don’t ask how many carbon copies of your manuscript you should send.
- Don’t get upset if we say your proposal contained a “fatal error.”
People
- Don’t propose a list of “The 100 Most Beautiful Publicists.”
- Don’t caption your photo of Camilla Parker Bowles at a horse show by identifying which one is the horse.
- Don’t offer details of Oprah’s new weight-gain plan.
Playboy
- Don’t propose an interview with a eunuch.
- Don’t suggest an erector set as a holiday gift item.
- Don’t presume readers want to know the health benefits of abstinence.
- Don’t offer a “Sex Guide to Saskatchewan.”
- Don’t claim that what every Playboy pad needs is a cat.
Smart Money
- Don’t submit your idea on pyramid schemes by requesting we send it to ten other publications.
- Don’t say your financial credentials are impeccable because although you were indicted, you were never convicted.
- Don’t offer a bail bondsman’s guide to financial planning.
Travel & Leisure
- Don’t say how lovely Hiroshima is in August.
- Don’t offer to investigate why it’s impossible to rent a car in Mexico with an Alamo credit card.
- Don’t ask why we’ve never done a “jogging through Serengeti” story.