1. Hold her in your weak, brittle, non-Michelle arms.
Remind her that the embrace Obama is receiving is ten times more enjoyable, and that he is safe and swaddled in one of the White House’s sexy, shadowy corners with his bride. Tell her to take comfort in this.
2. Promise her you’ll go see Southside With You.
Unless you want to see something going on in your mom’s southside with you in the seat next to her, don’t make good on this promise.
3. Force her to un-name her breasts Sasha and Malia.
Not only is it entirely inappropriate, it’s a daily reminder of what an amazing father Obama is, and how he restored sophistication and classiness to the First Family. Suggest she rename them Chelsea and Ivanka, a combination of smarts and beauty worthy of her fun-bags.
4. Remind her that your dad is still a thing.
Sure, compared to Barack he’s just a lifeless, shell of a man, good for nothing but siring her children and remembering social security numbers. But he is still a thing.
5. Stop saying, “Can ya” when you begin questions or suggestions.
It is too close to Kenya, and in these trying times, anything could set her off. Any talk of army barracks should also be banned. It’s a hop skip and a jump from barrack to Barack to ba-rocking your mom’s world. Don’t you dare use the expression, “Biding your time.” Time will do nothing but remind her of Obama's rapidly approaching departure, and “biding” is too close to Biden for comfort.
6. Go ahead, trash talk Michelle a little to get her spirits up.
Yes, your mom could make him happier, and it reflects poorly on his character that he would choose a toned, extremely eloquent, health conscious slut over her. You want to talk about presidents? Your mom has been president of your elementary school’s PTA for 8 years running. She and Obama are a match made in political heaven! How can he not see that?
7. Try to remind her of some of Obama's less popular decisions, like Obamacare.
Chances are this will not work. Our country has a rich tradition of forgiving hot people, one your mother proudly upholds. As for the whole birther movement thing, if he were from Kenya it would only make him hotter.
8. Talk up Hillary.
Have her repeat the old “hoes before bros” mantra until her breathing goes back to normal. Sure it'd be nice to feel a little dance in the pants every time there's a press conference on TV but she can learn to settle for a light fart in the heart every time she catches a glimpse of that strong but broken woman rocking an unfortunate pantsuit.
9. Trump’s… got certain angles that work for him?
Nope. Bail. She’s not falling for it.
10. To make your mom forget her cravings for a political bad boy, burn the photo of young Barack toking up on some Hawaiian ganja that she keeps on her bedside table.
You know the one. Young Obama, reclined effortlessly in a loose white tee, sleeves rolled up after a hard day’s work at Harvard Law, somehow pulling off an old-timey-barber-shop-quartet-straw-hat, mouth sensually enveloping the smooth curve of the reefer– For god’s sake burn it! Burn it now!
11. Cancel her and your father’s Christmas trip to Honolulu. It’s too risky.
12. Murder-suicide everyone and everything, because nothing will ever be this good again.