Hey, I know you’ve been trying to contact me for weeks, but you're not my only paycheck–

Erm, I mean, tenant. Listen, I get it. You saw a few spores sprouting from the baseboards. And yes, there’s some discoloration on the ceiling. But mold? Let me stop you right there. That’s not mold. That’s ambiance. That’s character. That’s the sort of authentic, rustic charm people pay top dollar for.

Some might call it “water damage,” but I call it natural interior design. Think of it as a living, breathing art installation. That patch of fuzzy green in the bathroom? It’s a lush, organic accent wall. That growth near the AC unit? Free-range decor. That musty scent? Victorian apothecary vibes.

If you’re still not convinced, consider this: living here means you’re at the cutting edge of a new trend: “mushroomcore.” Imagine the Instagram clout you’ll gain by sharing photos of your “cozy fungal nook.” Other people have to buy fake plants to create an atmosphere. You get the real deal. It’s hygge! It’s sustainable! It’s very now.

Trust me, my father and I take your concerns very seriously. You’ve emailed. You’ve texted. You even called the city inspector (which, by the way, was a bit of an overreaction). So, allow me to address your questions one by one:

“Shouldn’t you fix the leaky roof?”

Fix it? You mean eliminate the beautiful symphony of droplets that lull you to sleep on rainy nights? Think of those cracks above you as an innovative skylight of sorts. Sit back, enjoy the view, and let a little moonlight in. Or, close your eyes and pretend you’re in a rainforest. Who needs a sound machine when you’ve got the real deal? You’re welcome.

“What about my asthma?”

Spending time around natural elements, such as mushrooms, can actually boost your immune system. Think of it as fungal therapy. Have you read about the healing properties of reishi mushrooms? No? Okay, well, these aren’t those, but you’re welcome to plant some.

And let’s be scientific about this. Mushrooms have been around for millions of years. They’ve probably developed some sort of wisdom. Breathing in a little spore dust might even make you smarter. Maybe I should charge tuition…

“Aren’t mushrooms dangerous if left unchecked?”

Dangerous? Only to people who refuse to live authentically. Mushrooms are a testament to resilience and adaptability. They thrive where others fail—like this building! Plus, not all of them are bad. Some could even be edible. Bon appetit!

“Unrelated, but can you PLEASE fix the internet?”

Who needs traditional Wi-Fi when you’ve got a built-in biological network in your walls? Did you know mushrooms have their own underground network of hyphae that transmit electrical signals? Some scientists even call it the “Wood Wide Web.” Think of it as nature’s Wi-Fi. Sure, you can’t stream Netflix on it, but you can sit quietly and reflect on how you’re part of a greater fungal ecosystem. It’s like a mycological smart home, baby!

I know change can be scary. You’re probably accustomed to sterile, uninspired, sealed apartments with “proper ventilation” and “mold-free drywall.” But this is the future. A return to nature, if you will. And we’re on this journey together.

I’ve always believed in treating my tenants like family. Families grow, just like the fungi in your walls. We’re building something beautiful here—a microcosm of the circle of life. You’re lucky. Not everyone gets to wake up each day and be part of an ecosystem. And, yes, that includes the roaches too. If anything, they’re like roommates—tiny, industrious roommates.

Sure, we could scrub down every surface with industrial cleaners and strip this building of its unique charm. But wouldn’t that feel wrong? Artificial? Soulless? In my building, you’re living in harmony with nature. Literally.

So, next time you see a little black spot on the wall, please don’t panic. Take a deep breath (but not too deep—spores are potent) and remember: This isn’t mold. It’s magic. Oh, and by the way, starting next month, we’ll be charging a sustainability fee—a 15% rent increase. Enjoy!