Dazed and Confused Quotes

"So, in sororities, do ya'll have, like, naked pillow fights in the shower?"
-Casey, misusing household logic

Jessica: Whenever I hear people say heroine, I never know if they are talking about, like, a female hero, or like, heroin, the drug...
Courtney: Well you just have to take it in context. If somebody were to say, "The heroine saved the day," then you would know they meant.... No wait, I guess you're right.
-On drug-addled confusion

Michelle: Do you even know what aphrodisiac means?
Dave: Yeah, it's something that turns you on. Like fried chicken.
-On stereotypical stimulants

"Ah cocaine, the whiter it is, the darker I feel."
-Doug, on purity

Q: We need to talk, bitch.
April: Okay, talk.
Q: I got nothing to say to you.
-Q, walking away from his own argument

"We should get some hookers and take them back to our hotel so they can watch us fuck each other."
-Tom, during a bachelor party

"Oh, dude! Do you remember that time that I forgot how this end of the sentence is."
-Eggs, drunk and stoned

Megan (to Dan): Oh honey, you're limping!
Bea: Why are you walking funny?
Megan: What does the other guy look like?
Dan: Oh he's REAL cute.
Megan: ...not what I was going for.
Sheena: Mind's in the gutter, Dan, get it back up on the curb.
-Purposeful misinterpretation of the question can sometimes lead to the most honest answer

Michael: You are an excretable specimen of humanity.
Ariana: I think execrable is the word you're looking for.
Michael: I think you ended that sentence with a proposition.
Ariana: Preposition!
-On failing English twice (also academically)

"Wait, you guys have never been to Hooters? What do you do on Thursday nights?"
-Angela, on the chestically challenged (her roommates)

Andrei: A strapless dress huh? What's the occasion?
Maria: Yup! A banquet for my boyfriend's honor society.
Andrei: Nice. Is that the same one in the Facebook photo or a new one?
Maria: Hahaha, yes!! Would I get a new boyfriend without telling you?! Jeez!
Andrei: I meant the dress love, not the man.
Maria: OH! HAHAHA! No, different dress.
-On signs of a healthy wardrobe

Marlon: Do I turn here?
Merik: No I'll tell you where to turn at the cross.
Joe: What? What cross?
Merik: There's a cross up here where you gotta turn.
Joe: That's a fork! It's a fork in the road you fuckin' retard!
Merik: Well we better pick that up, 'cause it's considered littering.
-On the two-pronged approach

Tony: ...Never press the popcorn button. Put it in for 3 minutes. It won't take up the whole 3 minutes, though, it should be done at about.... 2 minutes and..... 54 seconds. You'll hear them go "popopopopopopopop." When it starts to slow down and the pops are farther apart, and it's like "pop...... pop....... pop............" then you know it's done. Be careful when you open it, it gets hot. And then you pour it into a medium sized bowl and eat it! The half-popped ones are the best because they have more flavor. The fluffly ones are good, too, though. I like my popcorn lightly buttered. That's the best.
Molly: Did you seriously just spend 10 minutes telling me how to make microwave popcorn?
-On the only thing that pops into your mind during a stoned, midnight conversation

Frank: Our forefathers fought and died for this! Well actually no, they negotiated with the British.
Deep: For Pringles?
-On the smaller picture

Random Guy: Can I have a ticket to your gun show? Front row?
Sarah: Yes, of course. But my gun show is a very excitable one, and I'm afraid you might get squirted on. Such is life.
-On pulling the trigger at random