Dazed and Confused Quotes

Adam: Dude, why are you naked?
Damien: Dude, stop staring at my balls!
Adam: Don't change the subject.
-Adam, confused as to why Damien was sitting alone in a chair in the middle of a dark room

Joe: Can I bum a couple smokes off you, man?
Tim: Yeah but you owe me, bro.
Joe: I know.
Josh: You need a cigarette?
Joe: Not now, I just got a couple from Tim. But I'll totally ask you for some later so you don't feel left out.
-On the social dynamics of dying slowly together

Aileen: I finished peeling the carrots, and I must say, my work is exemplary.
Molly: Yeah, your peeling of carrots may be exemplary, but your performance and attitude certainly are not.
-On the carrot topper

Zach: An Indian friend told me you can buy 1lb of hash in India for $25.
Mike: If you can get it for that price, I will smuggle that back in my ass.
Zach: THAT is the difference between you and me.
Mike: But a pound of hash in the U.S. is worth thousands...
Me: IT'S MY ASS.
-On risk vs. reward

Michelle: I know it sounds corny, but I'm just looking for my other half.
Amanda: Like Skittles?
Michelle: Like Skittles. What?
-On half rainbows?

"Oh shit. Oh shit. Okay. If I just sit down and stay still maybe it'll evaporate by the time we get up. Oh shit, it's night. What if they smell it? Oh shit. If everyone sees I pee'd myself, I'll never show my face again. Shit. Shit. Shit."
-Dee, reciting an internal monologue after spilling bong water all over lap while stoned

Jordan: They were my friends from when I was in the witness.
Amanda: Huh?
Michelle: The Jehovah's Witness.
Amanda: Oh! I was thinking the Witness Protection Program.
-On equally frightening prospects

"I think I caught, like, Eboli or something..."
-Random girl, on being the lone non-premed

Aileen: Molly, I'm scared. You bring everything in! What if I act really suspicious and your parents think there's something wrong with me?
Molly: They already think that. Also they'd be more suspicious of me. They won't question you.
-Plotting the next step after Molly's parents came home while they were outside smoking

Ana: Charlie Sheen is sooo sexxxyyy.
Alex: No, no. That Alan guy is hott, he's so squirmish and scrawny
Ana: ...How is that sexy?
Alex: Sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm.
Ana: What the fuck??
-High and watching Two and a Half Men

Jes: How's frosh week, newb?
Jan: I'm still here were at Centre Island.
Jes: Ahaha it's worse than mine... enough binders for you?
Jan: Well I haven't got all my school supplies just some pens and whiteout...
Jes: ...Ahahaha I meant Pakis, but way to stay nerdy even at a party.
-Learn what you will from this

"Let me paint you a little picture here: crazy dude, dressed like a southern Baptist minister, ranting about Jesus and the evils of pretty much everything... a few yards away, a guy is holding a sign saying 'gay makeouts for Jesus.'"
-K, on life in a college town

Ariel: The clue is: "There are entire books made for me."
Chris: It's a paper-eating plant!
Ariel: That doesn't even make sense.
-Jumping the gun playing 20 questions

Lucky (quietly): There's a lot of deaf people in here.
Devon: You didn't have to whisper that.
-On politically correct politeness

Terry: Shit dude, I have to take a piss test for work.
Degen: What's the big deal?
Terry: It's a piss test, I'm going to fail for sure.
Degen: Shit, I don't need a piss test to tell you I do drugs.
-On the unemployed perspective