Dazed and Confused Quotes

M: Gotta love the ladies, man. Hey Stuart, how many mistresses do you thin you'll have?
Stuart: Um, it depends if I work internationally.
-On the business of career sex

"Becca!! Don't punch your dad in the stomach—it's Father's Day!!"
-Becca's Mom, misjudging a hug as violence after a few too many drinks

Courtney: You're fuzzy on the inside.
Tanya: You're lesbian on the inside?!
Courtney: Yes.
Crystal: And on the outside too!
Tanya: Makes love to a woman tree.
Courtney: Sleeps with a pickle tree?!
Tanya: Makes love to a woman tree.
Courtney: Mixed love adultery!?
-Attempting to bridge an invisible communication gap

Brie: You can see my Britney.
Jessie: And your J. Lo.
Brenna: AND YOUR VAGINA!
-Slow on the upskirt

Sam: Get off of my face... err... I mean get out of my face.
Megan: Never ever ever say that to me again.
-On the Freudian friendslip

Ali: Siri, is this your muff?
Siri: Yeah, you can go ahead and dive on it if you want.
-On the remaining half of a muffin

Angyi: Hey, do you like The Smashing Pumpkins?
Yvette: Yeah, at Halloween.
Angyi: What?
Yvette: Smashing pumpkins at Halloween. Not in the middle of July.
Angyi: Dude, it's a band.
-On seasonal tastes

Lauren: (to some dude who came stumbling into the women's bathroom) Oh my god, what are you doing? This is the girl's bathroom!
Drunk Guy: Nooooo it's not... YOU'RE in the men's room... GET OUT!! -He then whipped it out and started peeing in the sink, sending five girls running from the bathroom

Kayla: Man, I really really need to find me a hot guy and get laid tonight.
Lauren: Yeah, me too. You know who's sexy? Mike...
Sarah: I'll just take whatever I can get. Anyway, are you sleeping over tonight?
Kayla: No, I'm not going to let you lick my vagina.
-Abandoning the lone bisexual

IBT: I have a little D boudou, that's why.
D: D budu?
IBT: Boudou, the little doll.
D: You mean voodoo?
IBT: Hmmmm maaaaaybe.
-On tricky spells

"I smarted myself stupid."
-Wilbur, on a stoned ego trip

Pierre: Dude, sorry I didn't come out last night--my grandma is in the hospital.
Deni: Hey man, how do you say "I clogged the toilet" in French?
-Deni, hungover not paying attention

K: Man I don't know how long I can keep dating this girl. I told her how I have always wanted to visit Vatican City, and she said, "Well at least Las Vegas isn't that far away..." Come on, how can I date someone who doesn't know where the freaking Vatican City is?
J: Do you even know where the Vatican City is?
K: .....Fuck, I totally knew before this conversation.
-Hello Mr. Pot, have you seen Mrs. Kettle?

"Cary, I decided we all need to start calling flying mammals 'flammals.' Oh my God, look! A FLAMMAL! A FLAMMAL!"
-Megan, high and discovering a moth

Sean: What are you looking at?
Curtis: Panda bears!
(2 minutes later)
Sean: Where did the panda bears go?
Curtis: Oh, they all died because they were boring and didn't do anything.
-Way too high