Dazed and Confused Quotes

Look, we all get drunk, high, or cracked out after no sleep and say strange things sometimes. Sadly, some of us are just sober and weird. Submit your quotes here!



Adam: Dude, why are you naked?
Damien: Dude, stop staring at my balls!
Adam: Don't change the subject.
-Adam, confused as to why Damien was sitting alone in a chair in the middle of a dark room



Joe: Can I bum a couple smokes off you, man?
Tim: Yeah but you owe me, bro.
Joe: I know.
Josh: You need a cigarette?
Joe: Not now, I just got a couple from Tim. But I'll totally ask you for some later so you don't feel left out.
-On the social dynamics of dying slowly together



Aileen: I finished peeling the carrots, and I must say, my work is exemplary.
Molly: Yeah, your peeling of carrots may be exemplary, but your performance and attitude certainly are not.
-On the carrot topper



Zach: An Indian friend told me you can buy 1lb of hash in India for $25.
Mike: If you can get it for that price, I will smuggle that back in my ass.
Zach: THAT is the difference between you and me.
Mike: But a pound of hash in the U.S. is worth thousands...
Me: IT'S MY ASS.
-On risk vs. reward



Michelle: I know it sounds corny, but I'm just looking for my other half.
Amanda: Like Skittles?
Michelle: Like Skittles. What?
-On half rainbows?



"Oh shit. Oh shit. Okay. If I just sit down and stay still maybe it'll evaporate by the time we get up. Oh shit, it's night. What if they smell it? Oh shit. If everyone sees I pee'd myself, I'll never show my face again. Shit. Shit. Shit."
-Dee, reciting an internal monologue after spilling bong water all over lap while stoned

Greenwich College Other


Jordan: They were my friends from when I was in the witness.
Amanda: Huh?
Michelle: The Jehovah's Witness.
Amanda: Oh! I was thinking the Witness Protection Program.
-On equally frightening prospects



"I think I caught, like, Eboli or something..."
-Random girl, on being the lone non-premed



Aileen: Molly, I'm scared. You bring everything in! What if I act really suspicious and your parents think there's something wrong with me?
Molly: They already think that. Also they'd be more suspicious of me. They won't question you.
-Plotting the next step after Molly's parents came home while they were outside smoking



Ana: Charlie Sheen is sooo sexxxyyy.
Alex: No, no. That Alan guy is hott, he's so squirmish and scrawny
Ana: ...How is that sexy?
Alex: Sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm.
Ana: What the fuck??
-High and watching Two and a Half Men



Jes: How's frosh week, newb?
Jan: I'm still here were at Centre Island.
Jes: Ahaha it's worse than mine... enough binders for you?
Jan: Well I haven't got all my school supplies just some pens and whiteout...
Jes: ...Ahahaha I meant Pakis, but way to stay nerdy even at a party.
-Learn what you will from this



"Let me paint you a little picture here: crazy dude, dressed like a southern Baptist minister, ranting about Jesus and the evils of pretty much everything... a few yards away, a guy is holding a sign saying 'gay makeouts for Jesus.'"
-K, on life in a college town



Ariel: The clue is: "There are entire books made for me."
Chris: It's a paper-eating plant!
Ariel: That doesn't even make sense.
-Jumping the gun playing 20 questions



Lucky (quietly): There's a lot of deaf people in here.
Devon: You didn't have to whisper that.
-On politically correct politeness



Terry: Shit dude, I have to take a piss test for work.
Degen: What's the big deal?
Terry: It's a piss test, I'm going to fail for sure.
Degen: Shit, I don't need a piss test to tell you I do drugs.
-On the unemployed perspective


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