Dazed and Confused Quotes

Ariel: Woah. You're higher than I am. What are you on?
Random Woman: Jesus!
Ariel: Cool. Got anymore?
-Ariel, stoned and mistaking a church revival for a circus tent

Giles: Why don't you like fries?
Frank: Because when I was growing up in China, the fries there would cut up the roof of your mouth and were really salty which means after you eat them, your whole mouth just hurts. It's psychological conditioning. Like if you get raped when you're a little kid, you're just not going to trust men.
Giles: You are a terrible person.
Frank: Well, now that I've gotten my rape joke out of the way, I'm going back to bed.
-On the wake and bake chat

Giles: So I might be going to Oslo in May.
Frank: What for?
Giles: Conference.
Frank: Oslo, that's Sweden right?
Giles: Norway.
Frank: Still, Scandinavian chicks. Giles, you know what Scandinavian chicks mean?
Giles: Not really.
Frank: They're like the Asian girls of Europe. But bigger boobs.

"So my dad came up on my mom's stomach and as she stood up I ran down into well, you know. And I saw this as my big chance so before she could get into the shower I went for the
hole and bam, I was conceived. Damn I was a determined little mother effer."
-Jarrod, telling the story of his conception while stoned out of his mind

Jules: Girls don't even shit.
Ella: I do! One time I did a number three. And I was like "WTF!" cause I was pooping and my pussy was all like "Psssss" and I was like "Ehhh I'm using both?!!!" And the crap was like stuck in my butt and it was like "Blerrrgghh!"
-On descriptions we could've lived without

John: Vitamins are fat soluble too, but taking one isn't going to make you healthy again later in life.
Johnathan: It's not a vitamin, it's fucking acid.
-John, one step behind

Henri: Doc, I have a serious question.
Doctor: Yeah?
Henri: Umm, I know depression is very common, but uh, can body parts get depressed?
Doctor: What do you mean?
Henri: Can individual body parts get depressed while the others are working?
Doctor: As in?
Henri: Umm, well, let's just say that all my visible appendages are cannibalistically amused and my unmentionables are beguiled, stung by the bubble bee of infant sorrow.
Doctor: Huh?
Henri: CAN A DICK BE FLACCID SO OFTEN THAT IT RESEMBLES A STATE OF DEPRESSION!?!
-On less than graceful approaches

Alicia: I am oddly fascinated by this caucus thing, considering I don't live in Iowa and am not affiliated with any political party.
Skyler: I heard "I am oddly fascinated by this cactus thing." Personally, I would agree that cacti are oddly fascinating.
Alicia: Do cacti grow in Iowa?
Skyler: I would suppose they grow somewhere in Iowa. If not in the wild, I'm sure there's some lonely soul growing one in a sunlit window somewhere.
Alicia: I'm now a little fascinated by cacti. But first I'm going to check the numbers again.
Skyler: That's fair.

"Whoa, the moon is REALLY bright tonight... nevermind, that's a streetlight."
-Adrienne, on near-sighted confusion

"I have a problem with, um...what do you call it? Remembering what I have to say! That's it!"
-Melissa, drowning in irony

"In my darkest hour...I was pissed. It was dark, how would you feel in complete darkness for an hour? It sucks. Oh by the way I was also crying. My whole family just got murdered and my mother raped before my eyes. But that is just a coinkydink. Funny how things work, except for the fucking lights. God I hate incandescent light bulbs."
-Henri, lighting up a room of perplexed partiers

Ben: What's your favorite?
Becca: Favorite what?
Ben: Indian reservation.
-Ben, on simple assumptions

Scott: She wasn't hot before.
Jessica: Yeah, that's why you always have to be nice to the ugly girls, because then, when they get hot, they'll remember you were nice to them and they'll love you for it.
-Jessica, on meaningful intentions

"Tonight, we live like kings!!!!"
-Kaitlyn, after finding Mardi Gras napkins in the dorm

Eric: Let's invent something.
Henri: Okay.... (5 minutes later) Corn-row pants: the pants are cut all the way up to the waist band then braided with beads, corn-rowed.
Eric: That is... uh.... AWESOME!
Henri: Hey on a clearer note, you know when God said, "And let there be light?"
Eric: Yeah...
Henri: He was talking about a joint, as only a mind that was high could imagine the first duckbill platypus.
Eric: You are on a roll today.
-On the helpfulness of acid