Dazed and Confused Quotes
Look, we all get drunk, high, or cracked out after no sleep and say strange things sometimes. Sadly, some of us are just sober and weird. Submit your quotes here!
M: Gotta love the ladies, man. Hey Stuart, how many mistresses do you thin you'll have?
Stuart: Um, it depends if I work internationally.
-On the business of career sex
"Becca!! Don't punch your dad in the stomach—it's Father's Day!!"
-Becca's Mom, misjudging a hug as violence after a few too many drinks
Courtney: You're fuzzy on the inside.
Tanya: You're lesbian on the inside?!
Courtney: Yes.
Crystal: And on the outside too!
Tanya: Makes love to a woman tree.
Courtney: Sleeps with a pickle tree?!
Tanya: Makes love to a woman tree.
Courtney: Mixed love adultery!?
-Attempting to bridge an invisible communication gap
Brie: You can see my Britney.
Jessie: And your J. Lo.
Brenna: AND YOUR VAGINA!
-Slow on the upskirt
Sam: Get off of my face... err... I mean get out of my face.
Megan: Never ever ever say that to me again.
-On the Freudian friendslip
Ali: Siri, is this your muff?
Siri: Yeah, you can go ahead and dive on it if you want.
-On the remaining half of a muffin
Angyi: Hey, do you like The Smashing Pumpkins?
Yvette: Yeah, at Halloween.
Angyi: What?
Yvette: Smashing pumpkins at Halloween. Not in the middle of July.
Angyi: Dude, it's a band.
-On seasonal tastes
Lauren: (to some dude who came stumbling into the women's bathroom) Oh my god, what are you doing? This is the girl's bathroom!
Drunk Guy: Nooooo it's not... YOU'RE in the men's room... GET OUT!! -He then whipped it out and started peeing in the sink, sending five girls running from the bathroom
Kayla: Man, I really really need to find me a hot guy and get laid tonight.
Lauren: Yeah, me too. You know who's sexy? Mike...
Sarah: I'll just take whatever I can get. Anyway, are you sleeping over tonight?
Kayla: No, I'm not going to let you lick my vagina.
-Abandoning the lone bisexual
IBT: I have a little D boudou, that's why.
D: D budu?
IBT: Boudou, the little doll.
D: You mean voodoo?
IBT: Hmmmm maaaaaybe.
-On tricky spells
"I smarted myself stupid."
-Wilbur, on a stoned ego trip
Pierre: Dude, sorry I didn't come out last night--my grandma is in the hospital.
Deni: Hey man, how do you say "I clogged the toilet" in French?
-Deni, hungover not paying attention
K: Man I don't know how long I can keep dating this girl. I told her how I have always wanted to visit Vatican City, and she said, "Well at least Las Vegas isn't that far away..." Come on, how can I date someone who doesn't know where the freaking Vatican City is?
J: Do you even know where the Vatican City is?
K: .....Fuck, I totally knew before this conversation.
-Hello Mr. Pot, have you seen Mrs. Kettle?
"Cary, I decided we all need to start calling flying mammals 'flammals.' Oh my God, look! A FLAMMAL! A FLAMMAL!"
-Megan, high and discovering a moth
Sean: What are you looking at?
Curtis: Panda bears!
(2 minutes later)
Sean: Where did the panda bears go?
Curtis: Oh, they all died because they were boring and didn't do anything.
-Way too high
Submit your own funny quotes
Represent your school and embarrass yourself or your friends in front of millions of other students.
Read today's college quotes
A new batch of dumb, funny, and amusing college quotes every day.













