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Friday, January 25
Linds:
What's that noise?
Linds' Mom:
Sorry. I have to shave the back of your dad's neck.
Linds:
Gross! While you're on the phone with me?!
Linds' Mom:
It's not like I'm shaving his balls.
Linds' Dad:
Yet.
-When family matters get hairy
Southern Methodist
University
"Native Americans did not damage this country, because all they did was
walk! They'd say, 'hey man what are we gonna do today?' 'We're gonna
walk 50 miles!' 'Oh cool and what about tomorrow?' 'We're gonna aim for
60!' How can you damage anything by walking past it?"
-Professor Baldassare approves of
nomads
SUNY College of
Environmental Science and Forestry
Kaela:
Wouldn't it be awesome if vagina had teeth?
Yeshua:
Umm.... No.
Kaela:
Why not? Then it would stop girls from having unwanted sex. Guy goes in,
"no bitch" chomp.
Yeshua:
But what would happen when you get old? You might lose control of the
teeth, and and old dude would get his junk chomped off.
Kaela:
Yeah...
Yeshua:
But that would mean old people couldn't have sex... Hey! Good idea!
Winona State
University
Bri:
Something just hit my nose. And it hurt.
Sarah:
It was a squirrel.
-Walking back from class during a
hailstorm
Ohio Northern
University
“BRIIIIIII. Where should my midgets work????”
-Misty, while attempting to write
her own version of Snow White for her Spanish class
Ohio Northern
University
"There's nothing wrong with hot chicks...unless they have a penis."
-Chris, on minimum standards
Sacramento State
University
"Well, if that's your belief... If you sacrifice a 10-year-old virgin...
if you can find one."
-Professor H, on religious sects
Southern Methodist
University
"This tastes like the kind of sex you'd have after a...a My Chemical
Romance concert."
-Alex, on spiced chai
University of the
West Indies
Wednesday, January 23
Ben: You know, I don’t think I’ve
ever been to a Sonic.
Pat: Oh, you poor thing…tater tots
and slushies, what more can a man ask for? Well, besides a loving,
committed wife, a good job and a healthy family. But you get the idea.
-On the next best thing
Case Western Reserve
University
Emily: Hey Diana, I need your
address.
Diana: I don't know it. I mean I
know my building, room number and everything, but I don't know those
numbers.
Emily: What numbers?
Diana: Those numbers at the end.
Emily: The zip code?
Diana: Yeah that sounds right.
-One of many ditzy Diana moments
Iowa State University
"If that skirt was any shorter, she’d have two more cheeks to powder and
a lot more hair to brush!"
-Kirsten’s Mom, disapproving
Seattle University
Mike: So how do you like your new
girlfriend?
Alan: I like her. She's such a
strong woman.
Mike: Why do you say that?
Alan: Because "butch bitch" sounds
mean! Hahahaha get it? Get it?
*Awkward silence*
Alan: She's back from the bathroom
isn't she?
Mike: Haha, yup.
Kristy: You're dumped.
Alan: YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME!
Mike: I could do lots of things.
Another drink?
University of Alberta
"Don't pull my pants down! I'm going camo!"
-Jenna, on false fronts
University of New
England
"Group projects: four people sit around bitching because they didn't get
enough credit, and the fifth person is happy because they didn't do shit
anyways."
-Professor H, giving hope to 20%
Southern Methodist
University
"I just want to shove Richard’s present up his ass and THEN see how he
feels about anal!!!"
-Leeny, distraught over the stress of
gift-giving and the pressure from her boyfriend
Seattle University
Tuesday, January 22
"Ugh, my stomach feels pushed out like one
of those Ethiopian kids who's stomach just balloons up 'cause they
haven't ate for weeks. Except I just ate two Big Mac meals."
-Tony, getting in touch with his
humanitarian side
University of Ontario
Institute of Technology
"They say laughter is the best medicine, but what the fuck do those
people know? Dr. Ryan prescribes ice cold brew to his patients."
-Groove, on personal prescriptions
University of Akron
"Dude, you inspire my colon!"
-Stacy, discussing the synergy of
friends and flatulence
University of
Virginia-Wise
Jeff:
Dude, that chick is so hot!
Steph:
Too bad she's a Nazi.
Pat:
A hotzi!
-While watching Indiana Jones and
the Last Crusade
University of Utah
Katie:
In 9th grade a boy made fun of my drawing of a penis.
Emily:
Why would he do that? You knew that part of men so well by that age.
Kirsten:
Oh snap! She just called you a whore, but nicely.
-On the art of indirect name calling
Iowa State University
P:
I'm not having sex before marriage. I'm practicing amnesty.
Linds:
Uh, you mean celibacy?
P:
Abstinence. Yeah, that's it.
-I say tomato, you say...
Southern Methodist
University
"Guys, when I'm drunk off my ass, and my bowels are cleansed, I will
laugh at all of you."
-Vince, regarding his upcoming Beer
Enema
Tulane University
"I wish I had an inflatable uterus."
-Jason, hoping and dreaming against
all odds
University of
Oklahoma
Monday, January 21
Jeff:
Dude, are you looking at porn?
Pat:
No, my friend emailed me naked photos of his girlfriend.
Steph:
Is she hot?
Pat:
No, that's why he emailed them to me.
-Pat, while checking his email
University of Utah
Steph:
I think I'm gonna take a shower.
Brooke:
Didn't you just take a bath?
Steph:
Yeah, but I'm cold and I think it'll make me feel better.
Brooke:
I guess? I just can't get wet that many times in a day. I mean in and
out, in and out, in and out...
Steph:
Yeah it's a pain in the ass.
-Clean phone conversations gone very
wrong
University of North
Carolina, Asheville
"If I get Chlamydia in Vegas, it stays in Vegas, right?"
-Stinson, planning for Spring Break
Michigan State
University
"This Tuesday has a Monday's schedule. The scheduling gods must have
been on cocaine."
-Professor H, on logical
explanations
Southern Methodist
University
Nicole:
Do these boots look alright?
Michelle:
I don’t know, maybe you should tuck your jeans in…
Joel:
What the fuck is wrong with you. You’re going bowling. At 6pm. On a
Tuesday. Who are you trying to impress?
-If a girl makes a fashion statement
and no one is around to hear it, did she really say anything?
Drexel University
Leeny:
Oh my God, dude. Guess what Richard just told me.
Molly: ....What?
Leeny:
He said that he would do me with TWO other guys!
Molly:
Oh my God! I thought he was going to use the L word, but I guess in a
way he did!
-On the true meaning of love
Seattle University
Travis:
So, if we say that eating pork is good for your body, but you're
a Jew, then I've provided a counterexample.
Professor Tamir:
That's a hairy ball, let's not mess with those. That's for
later in the semester.
-During a discussion of Socrates in
Philosophy
University of
Pittsburgh
Molly:
Whoa, I just blacked out and thought that next summer we'd be turning
like... 25.
Leeny:
Weird.
Molly:
I know. You're still stuck in 1998, and I'm stuck in the future. We need
Doc Brown to bring us to the present.
-On timely issues
Seattle University
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