Friday, February 8

Stew: You should shart in some girl's mouth.
Jeff: Dude, you can't shart in a girl's mouth.
Pat: Why not?
Jeff: Because it's not sharting if it's deliberate, it's just shitting.
-Very true, option eliminated
University of Utah

Kirsty: Do you want to write my essay for me?
Eason: What is it about?
Kirsty: John Winthrop's dream of a Puritan society compared to Hank Morgan's dream of a Utopian society portrayed in Twain's novel.
Eason: Winthrop was a fag, and liked to take it in the butt from Morgan…in a crazy Utopian society full of butt fucking…which was all a fucked up fantasy that Mark Twain had while a black chick sucked on his balls…. Done!
Kirsty: Oh my god, perfect.
-Contemplating the fundamentals of being an English major
University of California, Riverside

"Too many vagina's spoil the broth."
-Alex, when faced with an evening in the company of 9 girls
University of Hull

Amanda: What are you cold or something?
Roxanne (co-worker): Yeah.
Amanda: Well don't worry. You'll probably have a hot flash soon.
-A sure way to get fired
University of New England

Ash: Yay! You're coming home! What time do you get into the...uh... plane station?
Linds: That would be the airport.
Ash: Yeah. That.
-Ash, new to proper travel lingo
Southern Methodist University

Miranda: And plus I was super bitchy cause I'm on my period.
Claire: Really, I am too! See, if that doesn't mean we are still besties then I don't know what does.
Miranda: When did you start, because I started Monday.
Claire: Yesterday, but that's just because Colorado is an hour behind so it makes sense I would start a day late.
-On Menstrual Standard Times
Regis University

Munk: The best way to hit the whammy bar is to put your middle finger behind it and pretend you're rubbing a clit.
Steph: I hate you. Now I can't play without that image in my head.
-Tips from a true Guitar Hero
Utica College

Thursday, February 7

"I encourage you kids to get political and... what is it that you say? Rock out with your caucus out."
-Professor Dave, that's close enough I guess
Regis University

Steph: That show is stupid.
Munk: You're stupid.
Steph: It had a cameo by George Michaels.
Munk: You're George Michaels.
Steph: You've officially lost the privilege to use that burn.
-Laziest burn ever
Utica College

Ashley: Hey, I heard there's malaria in the tanning beds...Not sure how true that is.
Courtney: I haven't been tanning. And you get malaria in Africa. Do you mean meningitis?
Ashley: Oh...yeah, that sounds more realistic. The point is, be careful.
-Clearly not a pre-med
West Virginia University

Steph: Let's play a drinking game while watching TV.
Munk: All that's on is a documentary on Auschwitz... I know, every time Hitler kills a Jew we drink.
-Making the worst of a bad situation
Utica College

"Let's say I recruit you as a spy, and you tell me that Mickey Mouse really
doesn't live in Disney World..."
-Professor C, former Deputy National Security Advisor
Missouri State University

Professor Gilkes: It would be a mistake if I didn't talk to you all about mistake, because you seem to be making a lot of mistakes about mistake, and making a big...muddle.
Wesley: You mean mistake.
Professor Gilkes: No, I said muddle.
-Muddle, the cumulative mistake
University of the West Indies

"You taste like Christmas!"
-Matt, upon kissing his girlfriend after she brushed her teeth
West Virginia University

Wednesday, February 6

Katie: Did you hear about that kid that got meningitis? We need to be careful about who we hang out with, it's highly contagious.
Shelley: I'm not too worried. I'm pretty much immune.
Katie: Oh really? Did you get vaccinated or something?
Shelley: Nope, I just don't have any friends.
-At least she calls them as she sees them
University of Oklahoma

Will: I am sick.
Fox: You be there, William Lehman. You do whatever you deem necessary in order to do so. You eat a healthy person's organs and use them for yourself. If that's what you feel you need to do to make Gladiators, then I will overlook it.
-Discussing ends and means for watching American Gladiators
Appalachian State University

"You just have to hit it off the butt-cheek and put it in the hole."
-Chase, while playing pool with people sitting on the table
Southern Methodist University

Cobb: Super Bowl baby!!!
Wes: I hope Tom Brady breaks his ass bone and Eli Manning loses all his teeth and they tie. I'm rooting for the commercials to win the game.
-Wes, on third parties

"An equal opportunity whore is still a whore."
-Eric, on Tila Tequila
University of Rhode Island

Aileen: You have some nice candles that you've never lit.
Molly: Oh they've all been lit as of last night.
Aileen: Oh cool.
Molly: Yeah, I took their candle virginity. It was... hot?
Aileen: Hahaha. You really lit their fire.
-Sparking conversation
Seattle University

Linds: Alright, let's hear this.
Manda: Well, we were having sex, and I was on top. And then he was like ,"Piss on me!" I didn't know what the fuck to say, so I was like, "I don't have to go right now."
-February flowers bring golden showers?
Southern Methodist University