Friday, February 15

"How do you distinguish between intention to kill and intention to cause grievous bodily harm? 'I don't want to kill you. I just want to give you a good stabbing.'"
-Professor Gilkes, making the distinction
University of the West Indies

Yeshua: Dude the button came off my pants.
Joshuha: You did eat a pizza last night.
-The truth comes out, literally
Winona State University

Val: What kind of bird is that?
Lazz: A hawk.
Val: Oh, I thought that was a tyradactyl.
-It's a bird, it's a hawk, it's a... dinosaur? (while boating)
University of Illinois

Andy: I hate this writing slab. It always pops out and bangs me on the elbow.
Professor: But it’s such a great place to sit skulls.
Andy: I know you don’t mean it that way, but everything you say sounds creepy.
Professor: Like what?
Andy: Let me show you guys my freezer of dead bodies.
Professor: But I like my freezer of dead bodies.
Andy: SEE!!!
-When biology lab becomes a horror flick
Salisbury University

Andy: I just think sex has sharpened my wit. I've been on the ball lately. You should hear the insults I come up with...genius.
Amber: So you're becoming more of an asshole the more you see them?
-On gay sex
University of Maryland and Salisbury University

"Thank you large black man for breaking my fall."
-Mallory, after falling off the bar while dancing
University of Illinois

Graham: Hey do any of you guys have a cig?
Random Guy: Nah. You shouldn't smoke, it's bad for you lungs. Causes cancer.
Graham: Well you shouldn't carry a pillow, it's bad for your back. Causes scoliosis.
-Touché?
SUNY Albany

Thursday, February 14

Derek: Nice sweatshirt... Why don't you support a winner?
Linds: Fuck that. Why would I support the Giants? How about you go die?
Derek: I'm working on it!
-Derek, always getting ahead
Southern Methodist University

Professor P: I hate a lot of things people say. Like, "Can you borrow me some money?" No! I could lend you some though. This is interesting, let's go on with this. What are some things people say that annoy you? How about things your parents say that bug you?
(Class goes silent for a few seconds)
Joe: You're adopted?
-Realizing his parents motivation for paying for his apartment

Brittany: What do you got there?
Willow: Duct tape.
Brittany: What are you going to need it for in all this snow?
Willow: Jangles...we're taping him to the chair since he passed out on us.
-Whistler College weekend, an excuse to drink all weekend
University of Washington

Clark: Well, my poem is about sex.
Professor: I am hoping your poem is not simply just about sex. It should contain metaphors expressing multiple interpretations.
Clark: Uhhh...
Professor: Just read us the poem and we will see.
(Clark reads poem)
Professor: I'm sorry, it was too short for me to fully enjoy.
-Sexual innuendo at its finest
University of North Carolina Wilmington

Katie: Thanks for parking so fucking far from the entrance, grandpa.
Jackie: Did you see that herd of obesity? I’m doing us a fucking favor.
-Everybody do the Wal-Mart work-out, the Wal-Mart work-out
University of North Carolina Wilmington

Molly: The last person I talked to on the phone was a telemarketer. I was actually going to participate in their survey since I was so desperate for communication, but they asked to speak to the oldest female in the house. I bitterly told them that mom was running errands and I didn't know when she would be back even though she was in the next room. Then I hung up angrily.
Andrea: Your life makes me happy.
Molly: Fuck you.
-Desperate times while living at home
Seattle University

"Every time I read 'math lab', I think it says 'meth lab', and I'm like 'KATIE!', but it's 'math'... I'm retarded."
-Kayti, looking out for her friends
University of North Carolina Wilmington

J: What do you think about Liz?
C: She's cool. Don't know if she drinks, why?
J: She drinks! I think we're dating.
-Finding out your priorities
Ohio State University

Wednesday, February 13

Okay class, settle down. Professor H and Professor W (hey, they'd like to keep their jobs) of Southern Methodist University are here today to talk to you about Cupid, guns, and old age:

"When battered women fail to report their injuries, well then sometimes we make assumptions. Maybe she likes rough sex. Valentine's Day is coming up. These are questions you should be asking yourselves."
-Professor H, questioning domestic violence and kinky sex

"You'd rather be ducking a pillow than a hatchet."
-Professor H, clearing up domestic violence

"In Texas, 38% of all women murdered are killed by their husbands or boyfriends. So, ya know, Valentine's Day is coming up. You should be asking yourselves, 'What the hell am I doing in this relationship?'
-Professor H, on common Valentine's Day practices

"Texas has a new law. It is now legal to have a gun in your car without a License to Carry. As you can imagine, road rage has escalated to shoot-outs."
-Professor H, questioning the validity of Texas' gun lawns

"You are allowed to use deadly force against someone vandalizing your house. So, when those 8-year-olds toilet-paper your front lawn, shoot 'em."
-Professor H, proclaiming the glory of Texas once again

Professor W: What would this be?
Linds: The sum of the two?
Professor W: Wonderful. Correct mathematical language. I love it when you talk like that.
-Talk derivatives to me, baby

"I haven't slipped into senility yet. Actually, that may have been years ago."
-Professor W, digressing yet again

Monday, February 11

Kathryn: My cat ate half of my stuffed-animal-bat's wing! He's going to be shitting wings!
Paul: What a coincidence...
-Lookout toilet
Fullerton Community College

L: When you smoke a cigarette when you're high, it's crazy. It's like smoking air.
J: Yeah. It feels blue. Blue awesomeness.
-Blue and green also make you crave aqua
Southern Methodist University

Kat: What's up? Having nakie-fun time?
Brandon: I wish, but hookers aren't cheap.
Kat: Thanks hon...
Brandon: I love you...
Kat: I love you too. No hookers, prostitutes or easy women. If you cheat on me, I at least want to know you had to work at it to do it.
-Nothing easy is worth doing
Fullerton Community College

"Your state only counts in the last three seconds of the Apocalypse."
-Ashley, just so we're clear on the rules
Missouri State University

Christine: So do you have to wear a paper bag over your head when you masturbate?
Ken: No, I just don't look in the mirror.
-Doing anything but studying
University of California, Davis

Ben: Nothing in life is easy. Getting drunk isn't even that easy.
Curt: Ummm.... I find that really easy to do.
Ben: Fine, nothing that is good for you is easy.
Curt: Sex is easy and it's good for you.
Ben: That is definitely HARD!!!
-On degrees of difficulty
University of Nebraska-Omaha

"That cars nipples are pierced!"
-Ashley, walking through the parking lot
Missouri State University