Friday, April 4

"Midgets are the cherry on top of a great day."
-Carolyn in response to the midgets seen in NYC that day
University of Texas

Hannah: What would you do if you saw shit in the club?!
Holly and Megan: What?
Hannah: I say, what the fuck is shit doin' in the club!
-After getting drunk off Captain and naming a cat at a party "shit"

Molly: They have geese for sale in the paper!
Zak: What's a geese?
Molly: Are you being serious? Geese, like the plural of goose....
Zak: What's a plural?
-Got some work to do
Nebraska Wesleyan

"Words should sound backwards if you read them upside down."
-Sam, regretfully sober
Tufts University

"I remember telling you all night that I loved you. Good thing I'm gay or that would have been awkward. Not that I don't love you, just not like that…because I don't like girls."
-Josh, on how to get a point across
Arizona State University

"I don't know... The thing about the unicorn... I think it needs to be ripped apart. Because all unicorns need to die."
-Professor Larson
University of Utah

"Wow, manatees swim at 1 knot."
-Mikey, looking at a picture of dolphins
Tri-State University

"They're all pregnant! They were having sex in my snack pack!"
-Belinda, on the fat Teddy Grams during a quaint afternoon
University of Florida

Kung: Ahh wait, were they holding hands or am I drunk?
Amy, Eleanor, and Megan: Both.
-A whole ten minutes after two gay guys walked out of a bar
Indiana University

Wednesday, April 2

"I'll do it this Spring Break between the wet t-shirt contest, which I'll be participating in, not judging; the upside-down bong hits; the keg roll; and building Habitat for Humanity homes with James Washington Carver, the 39th president of the United States... boy does he know how to party... I'll do it."
-On grading papers

"Listen. If you want a man, you gotta make a cupcake. But men are stupid. 'Here's a cupcake. Go away.'"
-On attraction and pacification

"What do people eat? Rabbits, deer, moose, elephant, ponies, Canadians...."
-On wholesome diets

"Oh look, there's a boy. Nah, let's not talk to him. Give him a knife and a G.I. Joe."
-On modern men

"Jeffery Dahmer ate people and went to jail--for about half an hour. Then he got the shiiiiive."
-What comes around goes around

"There are some things you will never get better at: disco dancing, tiddlywinks with manhole covers...."
-On average performance

"I'd rather be run over by a mountain of ferrets. But that's in my will. That's how I want to go."
-On certain death

"That's my mom. The mole right there, the scar, the eyepatch, and the bird on her shoulder."
-On pirate parents

"Now something is going to jump on your face and eat you because you were paying attention to purple."
-On color blindness

"If you like Bush or Cheney that's fine. But they will not save you from wolves."
-On government protection

"This keeps me safe from vampire kangaroos."
-On his mini-flashlight