Monday, October 15

Ash: Jeff, let's just get married.
Jeff: And why is that?
Ash: Because I cook, I clean, and I'm a fan of giving blowjobs.
Jeff: If you can multitask, I'm in!
-Proving that marriage is indeed an institution
Old Dominion University

Amanda: If you don't finish that girly drink, you're a pussy.
Brian: But if I finish it, then I'll be even pussier!
Amanda: I never knew that "pussier" was an adjective.
Brian: I never knew that blue was a color!
Amanda: I never knew you were that drunk...
-Brian, pussying out
McMaster University

Brenda: That's me and Tiff from this past weekend.
Dennis: I hope Tiff is the cute one.
Brenda: Tiff has black hair.
Dennis: DAMN!
Brenda: She is pretty!
Dennis: Blah blah blah, that's like putting Twoface next to Catwoman then saying the Penguin is pretty.
-Finding out what his blind date is going to look like
Purdue University Calumet

"Let's talk about gender relations."
-BH, high/drunk on an average Saturday night
Oberlin College

Josh: Wait, why are we talking about the size of his junk?
Crosby: I don't know, your wife is the one the one that brought it up.
Josh: Baby, I told you. If you want twelve inches of cock I can give it to you in three easy installments.
-On the real easy payment plan
University of Nevada Las Vegas

"That's my hardcore linguistic analysis. It's because of its wiggle-ability."
-Professor A, attempting to be scientific
Old Dominion University

Jake: So, how's life been for you lately?
Jess: Stop trying to get inside of me, in my head I mean, stop trying to get head, I mean FUCK... this is a quote already isn't it?
-On random encounters
University of Wisconsin, Whitewater

Will: Hey, I got you a present, but it won't get here 'til next week.
Crosby: Is it anal sex? 'Cause if it is I don't want it.
Will: ...damnit.
-When a 14-year friendship gets too comfortable
University of Nevada Las Vegas

Professor Butler: Now, there's the emu in Australia, the ostrich in Africa, and the rhea in the South Americas. Back then, religion and science were still muddled, which prompted people to think, "Why are there 3 types of large, flighless birds? Why didn't God just make 1 instead of 3? " You see--
Frank: 'Cause God screwed up the first 2 times.
Professor Butler: No, we can't use that explanation. If we did, women would say that God screwed up men so he made women to make up for his mistake.
-On unusable explanations
Elysium University

"I don't feel bad for those starving kids in Africa commercials. You figured they would have been smart enough to leave like every other culture historically did."
-Fat Zach, on viable options
University of North Texas

Friday, October 12

Stiffy the Hot Bartender: Sorry Booth, we ran out of beer.
Booth: ...ummm, what?
Stiffy: The beer, it's gone.
Booth: Why don't you just tell me that all the vaginas in the world have just simultaneously closed forever so I can kill myself?
-Booth's solution to Armageddon
Shasta College

Alex: I'm just tired of putting up with my roommates' shit.
Erica: I think you hit a point in your life where you just get tired of living with roommates.
Alex: Yeah. Like when you get bugs in your apartment...?
-Squashing the other half
Nebraska Wesleyan University

Smith: I'll deep-fry your wiener with spices!
Herron: Dude, you're so gay...
Smith: I said I'll deep-fry it, not eat it. I'll use tongs.
-Smith, trying to win an argument
US Navy

Komal: I can't see the sky!
Michele: I know! It's like moving all over. Like clouds....
-Re-painting the sky blue
Rutgers University

Em: Rich just got a parrot.
James: I HATE BIRDS!
Em: I have four.
James: Serious? Oh fuck. Well, I still want to explore your nest, and by that I mean vagina. I'll also call your boobs eggs, so that my hate for birds doesn't seem so magnified.
-On pet compromises
University of Waterloo

Professor: If I could I would buy stocks in Jupiter. Its only a matter of time until they start selling tickets to go to Jupiter and drop people inside so that they have the experience of falling into the center of a planet. You can't do that on Earth, you'd hit the surface and die.
Jacob: What would happen when you hit the center of Jupiter?
Professor: Haven't you been paying attention, the center of Jupiter is as hot as the center of the sun, you would die long before you hit it.
-On bad investments during Astronomy class
Folsom Lake College

"The sperm and the egg are of such different sizes that some biologists have compared conception to the rocketship blasting off to the far-flung mystery planet..."
-Professor Linton, dramatizing the miracle of conception
Brandon University

Thom: So I was driving Katie to work and we saw this guy carrying a log. Then we saw him walk up to his truck, and it was full of logs and other pieces of wood. And Katie said, "Oh, he lost wood". And I was like "OH MY GOD!! That's what SHE said!!!!" And it was the best "that's what she said" moment ever!
Cate: Thom, how many times are you going to tell that story?
Thom: But it was the best moment ever!
-Some stories never fail to perform
Allegheny College

New Waiter: I'm not a racist! I just profile people based on how they look!
Alix: What the hell!? Sounds like racism to me.
New Waiter: No... see, if I see a black guy in baggy pants coming towards me, I figure he's in a gang, has killed some people, and will rob me. But I don't HATE him for it. So see? I'm not a racist!
-Conversation at a Jim's Diner
San Antonio College

"Not only will I give you a zero, I'll punch you in the nose. You all know I'll never hit a woman, but I hired a female bodyguard last night, and I'm gonna bring her in here and have her punch the girls in the nose. As for the guys, I'll fuck you up."
-Professor Widlan, on cheating
Seattle University

Thursday, October 11

Monica: How do you kill a monk?
Cait: Umm.... Piss on a crucifix?
Monica: NO! You poison the corner of his book pages. What the fuck was that? Normal people would be like "shoot him"! Piss on a crucifix, where did that come from? You are so going to hell.
-On impious death
Grand Valley State University

"So white bread is made solely from the stuff in the wheat called endosperm. How do you feel about that, guys? Did you know that humans have endosperm too? I find it interesting that Mother Nature packs a little lunch for those guys before sending them off on their trip. 'Look out egg, here we come, woo!'"
-Professor Sharmer, spicing up Human Nutrition
SUNY Potsdam

Brandon: Hey look at this porn... That's a huge dick getting sucked.
Adam: Noooo... My throat still hurts from watching the last one.
-On mind-throat fucks
University of Dubuque

Kyle: Are they ACTUALLY relating disabled people in wheelchairs to the discovery that the Earth is round?!?
Jody: It's the circles... they look like wheels.
-The wheels on the Earth go round and round, round and round...
University of Waterloo

Pam: Why are you massaging your cake?!
Steve: Because it needs to relax!
-A surprisingly sober dinner
Franciscan University

Rachel: Whatever, I'm still taller than you.
Nessa: Yeah well, if my boobs were feet than I'd be taller than you!
-Still picturing that...
Indiana University

Terrance's Mom: Uncle Al always liked your sister more than you and your brother and I could never figure out why.
Terrance: It's cause she puts out.
-During Thanksgiving Dinner
University of Toronto

"It's cute though. I LOVE your tongue. I'd never thought I'd like anyone for their tongue."
-N, on oral fixation
Kirksville College of Osteopathic Medicine

"This is what happens when they throw all of you Dungeons and Dragons kids into an engineering class. The first thing you want to do is build a bomb."
-Professor Sivakumar, putting the nerds in their place
Texas A&M University

Michele: What's 'bottomless cups of coffee'?
Komal: Haha! Oh. It's like free refills.
Michele: Oh, oh, so like you never see the bottom of the cup because you keep pouring more?
-On "self-explanatory" terms
Rutgers University