Friday, December 14

"It's that wonderful time of year when all those times you said you were studying but were really masturbating catch up with you."
-Tim, on regret leading up to finals
Tufts University

Natalie: MIKE! The trees are throwing acorns at us!
Mike: Trees can't throw acorns...
Natalie: Then the squirrels are throwing acorns at us!!!
Mike: WHERE?! Don't worry!! I'll protect you!
-While friends around the corner threw rocks during a drunk make-out session
University of Minnesota, Twin Cities

"Have you guys ever had one of those really shitty days that after jacking off, you feel so bad for yourself?"
-Steve, walking in late for a study group at the library
San Diego State University

Professor Savinell: Okay, now what's that method we use that starts with C?
Class: *Silence*
Professor Savinell: We use the cover-up method!
Tyler: Ohh, you should have said it started with C-U-M!
-He wasn't thinking
Ohio State University

D: If you wanna fuck later, you have to let me know in advance. It takes like ten minutes to get this costume off.
Random Girl: ….
-Unsuccessful Halloween pick-up lines
University of Nebraska Lincoln

"Opportunity knocked and I stuck my tongue in it."
-Zach, on unexpected make-out sessions
University of Akron

"So because he panicked, it meant he couldn't think. Oh, you panicked, so you didn't think, so you had no mens rea. Go and panic no more."
-Professor Gilkes, judging and absolving
University of the West Indies

Em: Oooh, let's pose for the security camera!
Jody: ....Wait, I think that's a motion detector.
Em: Let's pose anyway.
-Capturing those special moments
University of Waterloo

Thursday, December 13

And now, for another special presentation from Professor Widlan of Seattle
University:

"Even my beloved giraffes, as tall as they are, they'll see the destruction first."
-On prime views

"I don't know if you guys are old enough to know about hardwood floors."
-On age gaps

"I plan to teach at least one class from jail with a monitor set up."
-Professor Widlan, setting the stage for the semester

"Anyone want to read emails from my third ex-wife?"
-On new classroom entertainment

Professor Widlan: Were you guys the class I said I wouldn't use the F-word in?
Class: Yeah.
Professor Widlan: Fuck!
-On broken promises

"Perhaps I’m Voldemort and I’ve come here to tell you false."
-On false identity

"If anyone wants extra credit, you can go back and watch my laundry in the dryer right now."
-On academic spins

"I will punish ye with Old Testament wrath and fury."
-On intimidation factors

"Regression: my second-favorite defense mechanism."
-Don't ask about the first

"All right, did someone just sigh? Did someone just lie about their sigh?"
-On collective interrogation

"If everyone in the room was in love, it would be cataclysmic. It would be like a supernova, bursting!"
-On scientific analogies

Wednesday, December 12

Will: Zach, damn I just don't know what to do about this girl, she just won't leave me alone. What Should I do?
Zach: I don't know, just tell her you have AIDS
-On the finer points of ditching the clingers
Western Carolina University

Professor: Mr. Exel, is there any reason you did not complete this assignment?
Steve: Well, you're just going to say it's not an excuse anyway so why don't we skip this.
-Steve, putting himself in his place
Elysium University

Molly: But it's good stuff. Strong. Maybe you won't freak out with it!
Leeny: Either that or freak out even worse! But I'm stupid enough to try.
-After 3 bad trips before finally getting new weed
Seattle University

Yuri: This is my virginity band.
Ari: It's broken.
Yuri: Unlike me, I've never broken.
-Denying a sex life? That's a first
University of the West Indies

"If I say Wesley is a fowl thief, that's defamation. Well, no. Defamation is only defamation if it lowers your reputation. Now, since we all know that Wesley is a fowl thief, that's not defamation."
-Professor Mendes, clearing up a few things about the class rep
University of the West Indies

"Oh my god this smells bad. You know what, I think this is hamburger meat is spoiled. Hey Rob, come here. Taste this."
-Bev, on second opinions
Northeastern Illinois University

Robin: What's a three letter word for employee identification?
Crystal: Badge.
Robin: THREE letters.
Crystal: Badge, B-A-G. Damn you're stupid.
-Spelling out the truth for everyone to see
Pittsburg State University

Nicole: There is a strong chance we will be drinking again tonight.
Joel: So why all the drinking all of a sudden? Did your dog die? Are you trying to kill Kevin's illegitimate baby? We're you touched inappropriately by an elderly co-worker. I need to know so I can plan my alcohol consumption for the occasion accordingly.
-Joel, attempting to find the root of the problem
Drexel University

"Tonight I'm gonna kill myself while I'm sleeping and wake up to find myself dead tomorrow."
-Allen, as he received a homework assignment
Arkansas State University

"...and if you don't turn it in on time, here's exactly what I'm going to say: I'm sorry, you're ugly, and I don't care."
-Professor C, on standard punishment
University of North Carolina at Greensboro