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Thursday, July 20

Tom: Why do black people only have nightmares?
Danielle: I dunno, why?
Tom: Because the last black guy that had a dream got shot.
Danielle: ...Wait a second... JFK was white!
Buena Vista University

Jason: So I made the smartest decision of the trip last night.
Ryan: What was that?
Jason: Well, you know how she was wearing a tube top last night? Well she got on top of me and instead of me taking her top off, I pushed the bra
and top down, to avoid the "danger zone."
-Jason, after a romantic night with a fat chick in Paris
University of California, Santa Barbara

Adrienne: You fuck shit up when shit has to be fucked up. We all have our times that we fuck shit up.
Kevin: Bold... and true.
Adrienne: Yeah. Fucking shit up is a part of life.
Kevin: Well if you put it that way...*rips pillow*...I fucked shit up.
Adrienne: Dude...NOT cool. That pillow wasn't shit... it was a pillow. God Kev, you went too far.
-On calculated destruction
Rowan University

Lauren: I saw this picture where these two guys just had sex, and the semen was coming out of his butt.
Robin: Waaaaaait a minute... butts produce semen?
-On the mysteries of gay sex
Eugene Lang College

"Imagine all the worst parts of the Bible that you have ever heard, multiply these by ten, and then pretend it's real."
-Erik, on the wrath of his girlfriend
Kirksville College of Osteopathic Medicine

Dana: Why are you wearing your sunglasses, it's night time.
Tones: Because I'm furiously eye-fucking you, and it might make you uncomfortable if you could see it fully.
Dana: I might not mind it...
-On unnecessary deception
University of Manitoba

Foreign Customer: Two.
Brillo: Two what?
Foreign Customer: Two please?
Brillo: Two skizzle hamster twisting a triple berry to flounder waitress?
Foreign Customer: Yes, please.
-Brillo, ambassador to foreign lands
University of California, Davis

Wednesday, July 19

Jared: What kind of beard should I grow?
Ross: Hitler 'stache.
Jared: What?
Ross: No, seriously. It would be okay if you do it because you're... you know... Jewish.
-Breaking down racial barriers one face at a time
Loyola College

"And every time I thought about him, I died a little inside. ....*BURP* Wow, I just threw up a little."
-Tanya, on post break-up feelings
Western Washington University

Nate: So what color scheme do we want for our living room? Holy shit, I'm really not gay.
Eric: Dude, you're talking to a guy who's buying vegetables to add color when cooking for himself.
-Roommates finally hit the fruity wavelength
University of California, San Diego

Jason: Football is so much more complex than rugby. There are so many more plays.
Charlotte: Yeah, right, there aren't any plays in football!
-Proving sports talk with women is futile
University of Florida

"How do you even write a paper on science?"
-Jared, redefining the boundaries of confusion
Loyola College

"I don't know what to be more appalled at. That we stand on that while showering, or we put our food in that part..."
-Lauren, cleaning refrigerator parts in the bathtub
Grand Valley State University

Mike: Holy shit! Watch it man! You almost hit that fucking bus for the disabled!
Tyson: So? Its only me that would suffer! I mean, my insurance would go way up and what the fuck happens to them? More of the same?
-On qualified redundancy
University of Alberta

Dusty: Hello Ultimate Dating woman. Wait... that says intimate dating.
Bo: Oh, for a second I thought it said inmate dating, which by the way isn't as good as it sounds.
Dusty: Yeah, some of those women—
Bo: You got a woman?
-On internet dating
Auburn University

" What's all the chunks in the peanut butter? I mean, it's really chunky, did they add something to it? ...Could it be peanuts?"
-BK, on wild notions
Massachusetts Maritime Academy

Monday, July 17

Ashley: Can World of Warcraft characters have sex on there?
Nick: Uh, no.
Ashley: Can they do anything gross, like give rim jobs?
Nick: What the...
Ashley: I want to see a dwarf hunter give an elf blacksmith a rim job.
-Girls will never understand video games
Indiana University

Tom: Man, you need to get laid bad... it's all you talk about.
Neil: Then it's worse. Once I get it, it's all I want.
Tom: Then I suggest you work out a situation where you get it everyday.
Neil: No way I could afford that.
-On sex streaks
Virginia Tech University

Lauren: I think that I'm just really out of Wes' league, you know?
Brooke: Oh yeah, I totally understand. I mean he is smokin' hot. Like, fuckin' hottest guy I've seen in a long time. I can see why you'd feel that
way.
Lauren: Wow... well, I meant that I am more intelligent than him, but, you know, thanks for the confidence boost.
-Lauren, demoted to the minors
University of Evansville

Pete: Right, because you read it for the articles.
Kate: Yeah, you don't really have to read the pictures.
-Musing on the literary value of Playboy
Webster University

Kaci: I was sad, so I spent some money tonight.
Russell: How much did you spend?
Kaci: Thirty G's.
Russell: Thirty G's?!? You were only gone for an hour!
Kaci: Yeah, so? ...G's are one dollar bills, right?
-Crawling out from under the rock
Virginia Tech University

Will: Yeah, but Puerto Ricans are Americans.
Teddy: What does that make...black people then?
-Discussing the minority hierarchy
DePauw University

“Since when does sucking one dick make me gay?”
-B.J., ironically enough
DePauw University

"I'm goin to Iraq to kill some fuckin' Arabs. If I see a little kid pointin' his gun at me, I'll shoot his ass. If I see a fuckin' woman pointin' her gun at me, I'll shoot her
ass. If I see a fuckin' man pointin' his gun at me I'm gonna blow his ass up."
-Justin, on joining the Navy
Texas Lutheran University