Pokémon has become an international sensation and remained an integral part of pop culture since it was first introduced to the world over 20 years ago. And there’s no sign of that changing anytime soon, as new Pokémon games, “Let’s Go, Pikachu!” and “Let’s Go, Evee!”, are headed to the Nintendo Switch later this year.

To this news I say: so freaking what?

You want me to catch some more dumb little demons? No thanks. It’s time to change up the gameplay with a bold new direction; players should be able to “catch” (A.K.A. recite) a real-life pledge to remain virginal and untouched, so as to remain pure in the eyes of the Lord.

Even Team Rocket can’t stand in the way of this mission!

We all know that each game traditionally involves players travelling from gym to gym, battling their Pokémon against various leaders’ in order to earn badges. (Badges are, of course, precious like Bed Bath & Beyond coupons, in that you simply cannot have too many of them.) But why would anyone go to a gym in a video game? Who even goes to a gym in real life? I certainly don’t.

Instead, I’d like to shake things up and have players travel from Church to Church to attend different services, like Sunday mass, a wedding, or another Sunday mass. The game’s Churches could be modelled after real-life churches, like The First Church of the Reformation in Findlay, Ohio. If you love Pikachu, the “cute” (the fans’ words, not mine) little hell-mouse that shoots pure electricity from its cheeks, you’ll love The First Church of the Reformation, since it was destroyed after being struck by lightning in 1924.

Promising to never act on the sinful impulse of lust may not sound as fun as throwing a magic ball as hard as you can at a wild animal (which is actually a pretty messed up thing to do, in my opinion), but I can assure you, it will be more rewarding in the long run.

The slogan of the Pokémon franchise is “Gotta catch ‘em all!” Obviously, this needs to change. First off, who is the one telling you that you’ve “gotta” catch them all? Because unless it’s God, your mother, or your father (both of whom deserve your respect), you should not be listening to these instructions; they could be the trickery of Satan. For the sake of argument, let’s just say your dad is the one ordering you to catch “them all.”

Secondly, “catch” is a bit of a misleading term, since it implies the gameplay will be like the original Pokémon games, instead of my much better idea for an abstinence-focused game. Rather than “catch,” the slogan should mention something about doing your chores. This will help teach obedience. Therefore, the new slogan will be, “Pokémon: Daddy Says, ‘You Have Got To Do Your Chores Now!’” It’s something I’m confident the fans will embrace

In creating these horrible abominations, Nintendo has shaken their fists at God Himself and implied that His creations can be improved. That is why all the characters will need to be drastically altered. For instance, the popular character Squirtle will just be a turtle called “turtle.” Rattata, the purple rodent-like creature, will be a regular old grey rat that probably carries diseases. And Tangela will of course be a crucifix you wear around your neck.

Obviously, evolutions will no longer be a part of the game, as it perpetuates a false narrative.

It may not be easy for fans to accept these new character designs at first, but it’s simply too dangerous to keep the creatures in their current physicality. I have spent hours upon hours investigating what precisely makes me so uncomfortable about these “Pocket Monsters,” and discovered that the reason is they make players too horny. It probably has something to do with all their smooth edges. If you create creatures with edges that smooth, you’re sure to get some hearts racing, even if unintentionally. Nintendo needs to acknowledge their complicity in horning up their adult players, and repent for their sins before the eyes of our Father.

By this point, there is probably one question on everyone’s mind: will Mewtwo make an appearance in my new game? Absolutely. Mewtwo is an evil entity, the inverse of Christ Himself. He is just one of the many forms Lucifer will take in the game. Be sure to save your Master Ball, you’re going to need it if you want to catch the Antichrist (or at least you would need it, if this were a game that allowed you to catch Pokémon). Other than that, you will not encounter any other Pokémon.

Don’t get me wrong, openly discussing your passion for Pokémon games as an adult has done a lot to ensure that players remain virgins. But take my advice and make this the first Pokémon game that will guarantee players never get laid if you want to sell copies in a major way.


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