New Jesus: I have been restored.
When asked to describe my religious beliefs when I first joined Facebook, I simply typed the sentence, "It involves spaceships and LSD." Now I'm the founding prophet.
I will outline all the terrible attributes that make me a bad person and suggest the underlying psychological reasons why I am perpetually alone. This will save us time I promise.
It can often be difficult to figure out the true meaning behind people posting "happy birthday" on your wall. But by looking at the times of each post, you can dissect the situation.
It was Christmas Eve on Twitter when I tweeted, "I drink Starbucks coffee because when you're single, you forget the taste of butthole." And I immediately attracted the attention of one man.
<p>I joined Match.com because I had no other options. My mail-order-bride, Sveta, found a legal loophole and was able to return to her native homeland of Russia, citing my "inability to perform," which is quite ridiculous because I majored in theater at Oxford School of Drama so like I don't even get what she's talking about.</p><p>Lewis Donahue. </p>
Society subscribes to a weird set of rules, and how we interpret them is even weirder. For example, why is the nipple what censorship uses as the limit for upper-torso nudity?
What Steve Jobs did was create an army of narcissistic, self-centered, self-absorbed, zombie clones by sucking their very souls into his world like Shang Tsung.
They say the first step to recovery is the admission of a problem. Well here it is, and here I am: I am addicted to Facebook. The following are the insurmountable consequences of trying to quit.
FriendsFirst.com, the dating website where you're taking it easy and seeing where it goes, wants to know about your online experience. Your Friends aren't making any moves, are they?
An app so royal it makes you feel like you're wearing nothing but a gold crown and a robe while hate fucking William the Conqueror in Piccadilly Circus and drinking a cup of Earl Grey.
After Part 1, I still have several Facebook "friends" left that I'd like to alienate, so I will make my point again by ripping apart more annoying posts about kids I've seen recently.