I want to start out by saying one thing: I am not proud of myself.

Yes, I bought an energy-efficient laundry machine, and yes, I believe in saving the planet, but no, I am not a good person. For you see, the real reason I bought this energy-efficient laundry machine is because it has a see-through window on the top of it, and I wanted to watch my clothes spin around. Saving the planet was an afterthought, and lately it’s been tough to stay focused with all that’s happening in the world.

After my old machine broke, I went to the department store. They had plenty of the affordable typical washing machines with the massive corkscrew agitators that fill to the brim with water. I was about two seconds away from buying one of those humdrum machines when I noticed, under what seemed to be a halo of blinding light, a new, sleek-looking machine that had a window on the top lid. As I walked over to it, the salesman spotted me and made a beeline toward the machine.

Gone are the days with countless hours spent in front of the television, glued to CNN and MSNBC, watching the world fall apart.

“I see you care about the planet,” he began.

“Yes, yes,” I replied, pushing him out of my way and into a display of vacuum cleaners. He stood and dusted himself off (everything was rather dusty, you see, because no one shops in department stores anymore), and he approached me again with a grin. “What is this?” I asked, tapping the glass window atop this space-age laundry machine.

“Why, that’s the new 4.3 cubic foot Maytag energy-efficient top-loading washer, my friend. This baby only uses half the—”

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“No, no, no,” I said, pushing him down again, the scene erupting with another cloud of dust. I tapped the see-through glass on top of the machine. “What is this?”

“That’s a window,” he said, using one of the vacuums to clean all the dust we’d unsettled. “It’s so you can see your clothes as they’re washing.”

My heart began to thump wildly in my chest. Think about it, I told myself. No more wondering what goes on once I close the lid! I could see everything!

“Ring me up!” I shouted.

And thus, my life has changed in oh so many ways. Gone are the days with countless hours spent in front of the television, glued to CNN and MSNBC, watching the world fall apart. Gone is the wasted time spent mingling with my neighbors at block parties talking about local issues and community concerns. And, most importantly, gone are the mysterious moments where I walk past the running washer and think, Just what exactly is happening in there? Now I know—and I will never need wonder again.

I’ve had friends come by since I bought the machine. I quickly usher them downstairs to show them how it works. “Wow, energy-efficient, huh? Good for you,” they say. But before they can utter another word, I’ve pushed them down and removed their socks, tossing them into the machine.

“Just watch,” I say, closing the see-through lid and turning the machine on, staring down through the window as the socks begin to spin around. I don’t think my friends were ready for such advanced technology, as they often stormed out of my home, cursing in disbelief, never to return my calls.

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I used to worry about the world, about a lot of things, but now that I have a washing machine with a see-through lid, everything seems just fine. No more getting sucked into endless breaking news cycles about disastrous political policies, maniacal dictators with weapons of mass destruction, or foreign governments hacking into our democracy… now my life is about one thing: clothes spinning ’round and ’round in sudsy water sloshing to and fro as I watch down upon it as if from the heavens themselves, wearing my godlike white robe, always bright and clean thanks to my new window on the world: my energy-efficient laundry machine.

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