Our “Unmarried but Long-Term and We’d Like Some Damn Presents” Registry
Not one of you has had to pelt us with birdseed to send us off on a week-long Belizean sexfest. We’ll settle for a fancy waste receptacle.
Tag: Satire
I Do My Best Thinking in the Shower—So I Moved My Desk Into It
And nothing says “you’re in a safe space” like warm water, the hum of the exhaust fan, and my decrepit bottles of Selsun Blue Medicated Maximum Strength Anti-Dandruff Shampoo.
I’m a Victorian Strongwoman and I Have Some Questions About Your Gym Membership
What is the schedule for the weekly emptying of the communal slop bucket---do we each take turns?
Son, It’s Time Your Mother and I Pivoted from Being Your Parents to Being an AI Company
Parenting You has left us with many core competencies that translate perfectly in the AI sphere.
Partiful Updates from Your Acquaintance Who Is Clearly Spinning Out
Hey, does anyone have an EpiPen?
I’m Philip, a Colonoscopy Doula, and It Would Be My Honor to Assist You on Your Journey
Let me explain how my bespoke packages can help you make your colonoscopy not merely a procedure, but a celebration.
A Stress-Free, Worry-Free Carriage Ride
No one from the board of directors or human resources can accuse me of gross negligence while I’m taking a peaceful carriage ride.
I’m the Type of Rich Where You Don’t Know Where My Fridge Is—Sadly, Neither Do I
Don’t get me wrong, the being rich part is great. Unfortunately, my fridge blends into the kitchen’s design too well.
I Took Sun Tzu to an NBA Game
I know you are all about fighting with honor, much in the same way the NBA is all about the integrity of the game.
Every Situation Where I Would Literally Say, “That’s the Way the Cookie Crumbles”
I pull an Oreo out of my pocket, smash it with both hands, and shout a zinger that leads to a standing ovation.
Our Planned Community Is Rooted in Roman Values, but Mostly Orgies
But we do maintain strict adherence to Rome’s Four Cardinal Virtues: Stoicism, Beauty, Justice, and the most important one of all—Orgies.
Do You Want to Get Out of Here?
Somewhere we don’t have to think about all these people staring at us and deciding whether I’m “guilty” or “innocent.”